Together Walking

What if you were me... what if I were you?

02/27/2014

I was awake in the wee hours of the morning today and never fell back asleep. I was thinking about a loved one. Someone who is going through an incredibly difficult and dark time in her life. Sometimes it feels relentless to me, so I can't really imagine how she feels.

As I lay in bed I was struck by the truth of how little separates a happy existence from one filled with despair. A few mistakes or wrong choices. A misstep here or misplaced trust there. And yet, when compared side by side it can seem that the chasm or cliff dividing us is huge - all of the advantages bestowed upon one life a mountain beside the valley of neglect and poverty in another.

It's definitely not fair.

Even if a person is in their situation largely due to their own "choices". Even if they "did it to them-self". Even if it is up to them to make the changes that need to occur to turn their life around.

What if everything we thought we knew was in fact not true?

"Milk does a body good."
What if it doesn't?

"People will never learn if we don't teach them."
What if they will? What if teaching isn't what we think it is?

"Kids (and adults!) need tough love to straighten themselves out."
What if they they don't? Or what if "tough love" is something very different than we think?

Take any belief you hold very dear. The ones that you KNOW are absolutely the truth. Pick the juiciest most controversial issue that comes to mind - abortion, vaccination, war, welfare, healthcare, co-sleeping or screen time (ha!)... Hold your belief in your mind and heart. Now flip it around and pretend you believe the opposite.

Someone, somewhere, does. It's absolutely mind blowing, I know.

But what if we tried to put ourselves into that person's shoes. To see what they see. To live what they have lived. To open our hearts to a person whom we feel hatred for and try to let love flow over and through us instead.

We might not change our minds, but we might just change the world.

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Savor

02/10/2014

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I noticed as 2013 wound down and slid into 2014 that my energy was very different than the previous New Year. Last year I was "Counting by 12's" and Desire Mapping and blogging up a storm. I daresay it might have been even a little bit obnoxious to some people.

This year I did one thing. I picked a word. Or rather it picked me. And it found me in a very profound way - through my tea.

My word for 2014 is savor.

I love tea with a message. Especially simple but undeniable truths.

And as December melted into January (or did it freeze?) I realized that if I was to truly savor my life it meant that I would have to embrace (2012's word!) it all - the good, the bad, the ugly... the sad, the salty, and the bittersweet. Everything. Savoring to me is also slowing down, releasing, and accepting. It's allowing, breathing, and enjoying all the blessings AND challenges in my life.

And true to form - 2014 has delivered. Loved ones - friends and family - in crisis, tragedies local and global, saying goodbye to our beloved, feisty cat, a challenging 4 year old phase and ever changing 7 year old, a wonderful visit with family and the sadness of once again saying goodbye, the excitement of a new puppy soon to be brought home - 2014 has been one to savor. And I have been.

I wrote one of my latest and most popular posts in December, "Nothing Really Matters" and since then have only written three times (including "Why almost all 'Beliefs' don't matter") and I joked recently with my mother - what else is there to write after that?

And the truth is I feel a deep sense of "Not Caring" in my spirit. I don't care to debate or argue or tell others "What They Should Be Doing". I don't really care how Sally down the street is disciplining Johnny or what Shelly thinks of how we do things inside our own four walls.

I'm not really depressed, although it feels a bit the same. It's more like subdued. And I want to clarify what I mean by "Don't Care". I do care deeply about people - their feelings, their challenges, their relationships etc. And if they wish to change or seek new information on how things might be different in their own small universe or the great grand world - then I would love to share my experience and perspective about that. I just don't care to try and convince those who will not be swayed or debate with those who have clogged their own ears. I guess I feel as awake as I've ever been in my life... and it is... different than I expected. I've been on fire before, I've felt passion and energy so hot and strong that I couldn't stop it if I felt like it. But this feeling is different. It's bruised and tender. It's slightly sad and tired (although that may be from staying up to watch Downton Abbey every night after the kids go to bed).

I still believe there are so many things that need to change in this world. There are so many things that each one of us can do to help make this change come about. I know that when faced directly with specific issues I will feel that fire return. But I also know that burnout is a very real possibility if I am not vigilant.

But I do feel like I'm savoring it all. And everything I've written about and learned the past 2+ years has led me to this place and it's all been valuable (Life is Lumpy, Life is a Sine Wave - or Sin Wave, depending on how you look at it) and there are so many more... Usually these lessons take a long time to really sink in. I usually "know" things in my head long before I actually practice them easily in my life. Writing here helps. Some things can only really be lived and understood with time.

Anyways, I'd love to hear how your year has started out! Has it been slow (snowed in!) or stressful, busy and full, or perfect and exactly how you envisioned it (maybe it's been a little bit of it all... and more) ... Let me know in the comments :-)

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A Day in Our Life

01/21/2014

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Red shirt - check. Barefoot - check. Outside in the sun - Yay!

There was a great question posted on one of my unschooling groups last weekand I thought it was a good prompt. It inspired me to write my first post of 2014:

For unschooling parents with children still in the house, would you mind sharing the different ways you supported your child(ren)'s learning today? Not a typical day. Just today.

For me the thoughts swirling were not just about what I (and others) did on one particular day to support Marisol and Gerry, but all of the choices we had made in the months and years leading up to each day that make our life possible.

We are in Florida visiting my parents. (Just the kids and I - Mike was supposed to come for the first part of our visit, but we have a sick kitty so he ended up staying home.) So labeling these days "typical" may seem strange. And yet, once (or sometimes twice) per year, these are our typical days for a week or two. And actually, this is kind of how our life is - there really *aren't* typical days.

The day I was thinking about these things was a beautiful, sunny day - though a bit chillier than we were hoping for. Marisol loves being at her Grandparents' house and by lunchtime had already exclaimed it was "the best day ever!" What prompted this declaration? She and her grandma went on a golf cart ride to go play shuffleboard. She beat grandma 94-89. I know there was writing on the chalk board and math involved in keeping score. But mostly it was just a great time with her beloved grandma.

After she felt the water in the pool. Even though the air temperature was about 60 degrees the water felt so warm she wanted to swim! (The pools are heated and kept at about 80-82 degrees). When they got back from their shuffle board game Gerry and I were still playing wii games. She grabbed swim stuff and went back with both grandparents this time.

Water warmer than air - who could resist??

Gerry agreed to play one more level on Super Mario bros. and then take a ride on the "fire truck" golf cart (it's red - his favorite color!) So we went over to the pool and ended up "playing" shuffle board too. I wrote our names on the board with chalk where Gerry told me to, I explained the rule for not walking on the court (even with tiny bare feet!), and we talked about points. We compared -10 to the purple stars on Mario Party 9 because those make you lose mini-stars. We were only out for a little while before he was ready to go back home, but it was great to soak up some sunshine and see Marisol swimming even for a few minutes.

Right now it is a lot easier for me to "support" Marisol. She is more adventurous and independent than she has ever been. She is eating a wide variety of foods and *wants* to eat healthy. She loves being with her Grandparents and Aunt will easily do things and go places with them - more and more without me (although, she still wants and needs me sometimes too - I am actually very grateful for that). She's really interested in learning to read (because she LOVES books!) and she wants to know how.

Gerry is a different story. My mantra right now is "He'll only be 4 for one year." (Thank you AGAIN Sandra Dodd!) Everything is just a little bit difficult right now - he's itchy but refuses lotion. (Add it to the list of thins we do once he's asleep!) Because of this he won't wear shoes. Correction - he tries but must take them off almost immediately because his feet itch! He has not had shoes on yet on this vacation - including the whole plane ride here. His attire right now is shorts and T-shirts - not just in Florida, but at home too - even when it's freezing outside. (T-shirts and shorts = less itchy) He seems to be limiting his food choices more all the time instead of expanding them. His favorite food is strawberry shortcake ice cream bars and he eats many - usually until the box is gone. His passion is video games and we play for hours every day together. There are so many cool and awesome things about this fact - and I plan on writing about them soon - but while we're in Florida it is a challenge to find a balance that is respectful of all of our needs. Because I want to get outside and enjoy the Florida sun and also do things with my family - and they do too! So we are slowly finding ways to do this - and I am also being very flexible and savoring even small breaks from video games (which I luckily love! The video games I mean - but also the short breaks ;-) Sometimes when he is upset he screams very angrily at me.

In spite of these challenges he and I are closer than ever. We laugh and cuddle every day. I do not question decisions I've made in the past or am currently making. I never feel the need to punish or yell at him. Even when he screams at me I am able to feel love in my heart. Of course there are times when I feel irritated or wish things were easier in the moment - but I never wish *he* were different. He is stretching me and I am growing, learning lessons over that I thought I had learned already.

So here is a list of all the things I am grateful for and choices we have made, both recently and over the years, all of which support Marisol and Gerry as they learn and grow, and also nourish our family relationships.

1) I am grateful that I stumbled across the term "unschooling" almost 6 years ago and that it piqued my interest. I am so glad that this discovery led to hours and hours of reading and learning.

2) I fully embrace philosophically not artificially limiting screen time or food choices. I also love myself when my what I practice is not completely in line with my philosophy (ie hiding the strawberry icecreams in the freezer) because I know that I am human and not perfect and I know that I am growing and learning all the time from my kids.

3) I usually remember to keep relationships as my guiding light for every decision we make. Of course this includes my children, but also my husband, parents, sister, friends and other loved ones. We are NOT always on the same page - even (especially?) about those things listed in #2 - but because we (usually) have open communication we navigate each day with as much love and respect as we can. I'm learning to let go of my expectations, not just of my kids, but of others. I really and truly believe we are all doing our best each day.

Choosing to homeschool makes these wonderful Florida days possible for my family. We are not limited to school vacations or schedules. A supportive husband makes homeshooling financially possible and unschooling successfully possible. Skype and smart phones make time away from him bearable. Loving grandparents make it possible for us to spend many hours playing video games without harsh judgement. A fun Aunt brings joy to my daughter's life. Some days are still difficult - usually when I'm tired and/or lose perspective and/or get sick of learning the same lessons over and over and feel like, "what the heck, haven't I reached Nirvana yet??"

But one thing I *am* getting better at all the time is taking a longer view and seeing the bigger picture. I know our visit here next year will likely look different than this year's. I know that if I have a "blah" day, a perfectly sparkly and vibrant one is right around the corner. I know that I am going to miss 4 years old and the joy on Gerry's face at this moment in time (because it will likely look a little different tomorrow). I know that before long he will be playing video games for hours WITHOUT me and I will be delivering trays of food and asking if I can join him. I'm remembering that all of the little things that stress me are likely to look like "nothing" very soon and that the big things that matter will remain the same.

What does a typical day look like for your family? Or if you are like us and don't really have a "typical" day - pick a recent day that stood out and tell me why. What are ways you are supporting your unique child(ren) today?

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On the Same Page

12/26/2013

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Mike and I are a really good team. We have built a wonderful life together these past 10 years. A large part of that is because we are "on the same page" about some important things. Me staying home, him working, and homeschooling jump to mind immediately. Also I take out the garbage and he cleans the litter box. You know, all the BIG things in life.

Peace "Nazi" Lady and Super Man - what a duo!

But the truth is we AREN'T always on the same page. No one is. That is why relationships take effort. The truth is that we've changed in ways we never could have predicted 10 years ago (and if we could have, we might have ran in opposite directions!) I'm sure that sometimes he looks at me and thinks, "who is she??" But he still loves me (and I, him). So we annoy each other and bicker sometimes and hurt each other's feelings and then we apologize and heal and make up. We grow together. Sometimes it's painful... but it's been worth it every single time.

I've been surprised by a couple of friends recently. One friend who knows me very well and reads here regularly (or so she tells me ;-) asked me how I'm teaching Marisol to read. (Actually, I think she asked me how I "taught" her to read, now that I think about it.) Since Marisol is still in the process of becoming a fluent reader, I kind of dodged the "how" part by explaining that she's still working on it. My friend explained that she is fascinated by the process because it is so mysterious. All I could think was, "me too!" I don't know HOW kids learn to read exactly and I don't think that anyone really does - even reading "experts" (I've already explained how I feel about those!) I do know that each child is different and the most powerful thing you can do is read with them. So I keep doing that with Marisol and so far the process has been (relatively) fun and (relatively) painless... and at times magical.

But my point in sharing this, is that the question took me completely by surprise - mostly because I don't even think or use that word hardly ever anymore... "teach". I don't think of myself as teaching my kids - guiding, helping, encouraging, explaining, sharing, learning with, etc, YES. Teaching, not so much. And I guess I thought most people who know me well know that by now.

My friend and I weren't on the same page. But upon further reflection this is not so surprising. Unschooling is something that takes years of DOING to really "get", so I can't expect anyone to make such a huge paradigm shift from reading here the few times I've written about it. Especially when they are still immersed every day in a completely different world.

But to be clear - I was NOT upset or offended or hurt by the question. Not in the least. Surprised yes. And that led to some thought and introspection - which I happen to enjoy - so actually mostly I just want to hug and thank this friend. Which I do when I get to see her, because although we may not be on the same page, we surely do share space in the library. I love her genre - being around her, learning from her, breaking out of my own fabricated paradigms.

Another friend recently commented on how "dependent" Gerry still is on me. That stung. I thought that this particular friend "got" how much I trust my kids to grow, mature, and try new things on their own schedule. This includes weaning, sleeping in their own beds, playing with other kids, etc. So I was again surprised (and a bit hurt) when when she suggested that he or I should be doing something differently.

What helped this time was knowing that it really didn't matter. She could think what she wanted to think, I can keep parenting the way I think best, and we can still keep on loving each other and being friends.

When we moved to DC 6+ years ago (no way! it hasn't been that long...) I was on a mission to find friends. I am friendly and outgoing so I could strike up a conversation with just about any mama (or papa) or nanny at the park. I would often find phone numbers saved in my cell with names that I no longer recognized. When I found a friend that I really clicked with I felt like her stalker. But we remain friends to this day and I'm so glad that I was persistent. Part of my mission was to find parents "like" me. People who were breastfeeding or co-sleeping or passionate about birth... It feels good to connect with people who do things similarly and/or believe what you believe. It makes you feel like maybe you aren't crazy after all.

Two examples of stalking paying off... these lovely ladies. We are not on the "same page" about everything - just the most important things.

But what I found was that usually I would share 1 or 2 things with a mama but differ in other areas. (I know, I know - this is a SHOCKING discovery! ha.) Now, I'm actually much pickier. No, you don't have to DO things like me. But I have to FEEL a certain way around you to really want to pursue a friendship. It's not about agreeing - it's about feeling comfortable, loved, supported - in short I need to feel free to be my own, unique as a snowflake, self.

Being on the Same Page is sometimes very important (like on the BIG things in marriage) but it isn't always necessary and sometimes maybe it's not even desirable. How boring would this world be if we were ALL on THE SAME PAGE? Can you imagine? It would be like a world library... with one page. How much better is is that we have books upon unique books. That we have fiction and non-fiction and every other genre you can think of? How amazing is it that we humans can make connections and find "similarities" in the oddest, most unexpected places?

These are just a few of my thoughts on being on the same page. What are yours?

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Why almost all "Beliefs" don't matter

12/21/2013

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Have you ever noticed how two statements that sound the "opposite" can both be true? Or even be saying the same thing at their core?

For example, I wrote a post a while ago titled "What if parenting isn't about your kids at all?" What I meant is that I've flipped things around and decided to make parenting be about the person *I* strive to be RIGHT NOW in this moment, not the future person I'm dreaming I can mold my child into with the perfect parenting equation.

Of course then I read this comment on one of my most favorite fellow mommy blogs and found myself nodding in agreement, "From the second I knew from the bottom of my soul that parenting had nothing to do with ME and everything to do with THEM." Duh, of course she's right! It's not about me at all - after all it's my kids' lives we're talking about here, right?? (btw, this wise mama blogs here if you're interested)

Hmm... so which is right? Is parenting about me or the kids? Or do we really have to choose?

But it gets more interesting. The comment that I cited above was on a post titled, "Mommy Wars and Judgement Prohibited: Freeing Ourselves" (and yes I'm linking it again - I didn't write it, but I want it to go viral. Please read. Please share. You never know who {whom?} you might help or touch).

Guess what? Another one of my favorite blogs (what can I say, I have a lot!) posted this: "Why Ending the "Mommy Wars" is Misguided and Dangerous" and I LOVED it too! How can that be? By looking at the titles of these two posts you might conclude that they are saying completely opposite things.

But they are not. (Read them! I swear to you, these two pieces are not at odds with each other.) This is why we have to get past the one-liners and the bible verses, the cliches and campaign slogans. We need to dig deeper. We cannot understand each other if we keep talking at each other the same way. We need to have full-on, raw, deep conversations with each other. We need to see each other's hearts. We need to LISTEN.

There is apparently a raging debate going on about some "reality" show person that I have no idea about. But I read an article today titled, "What You Believe About Homosexuality Doesn't Matter," and something inside of me was sparked because that is EXACTLY what I just said in my last post, "Nothing really matters" - what I BELIEVE doesn't matter very much. (This thought can actually be very freeing - try it! Once you realize it doesn't matter what you believe, you can focus on the things that do matter.) I also read through a very long thread on a friend's wall today about this topic. The debate was actually quite maddening but it was also amazing because it made me think and feel braver and stronger about what I know is True and Right.

Someone on that thread stated that BELIEFS MATTER because they lead to actions.

Guess what? I agree with that too. And actually both the author of the above post and the commenter on Facebook both had the same goal - love and acceptance for people in the LGBTQ community.

Oh my gosh, this is such a delicious thread of random (or synchronous!) connectedness here! (which is why I'm writing at 12:30 am and not in bed!) Yes it IS true, our actions do matter. Treating each other kindly matters. Using our words wisely matters. Loving matters. That, my friends, is the point. Those are the ONLY things that matter.

I believe in Kindness. The difficulty of course lies is the fact of what we do when faced with UNkindness. We cannot let it slide by. That is not kind to anyone - including ourselves.

Well, this is a bit disjointed but I'm putting it out there into the vast cyber-network. I want to hear from you... Tell me:

Can you think of any of these seemingly "oxymoronic" (apparently I'm making up words left and right here! That's what happens at this hour...) statements - ideas that side by side on paper look completely contradictory - but you either love them both or find them both to be true? More importantly, what guides you in your life? Beliefs? Action? Something else? I want to know!

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Nothing really matters...

12/07/2013

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And now I have that song in my head... (had to search the name - Bohemian Rhapsody.) I know that the title for this post, which I just plucked out of my head, sounds depressing - but that is not how I feel.

I feel raw and tender - I can feel my heart aching in my chest - I feel alive and maybe just a little bit hopeful, I feel ready... to just live.

I'm in a weird mood with lots of thoughts swirling - and since I haven't written in some time I thought maybe it was a good morning to get some of it out. The kids are quietly watching their shows after having some chocolate chocolate chip ice-cream. And that's exactly what I mean right there. It doesn't matter that they are watching shows and had ice-cream for breakfast. (Actually my daughter had pancakes loaded with butter and syrup first - does that make it better?? But let's not forget about the fact that last night after eschewing the meatless, bean chili that she helped me make in the crock-pot, she had a bowl of spinach with organic ranch dressing and an orange. She wanted ice-cream last night, but forgot after that scrumptious meal and went to bed exhausted. So when she remembered this morning I got it for her. And of course I got some for Gerry - because it is a great way to wake up an exhausted 4 year old boy who stayed up till 1 am because he napped from 3-5 in the evening before, and he wants to nurse the morning away. Speaking of which it doesn't matter that my 4 year and 4 month old still loves his "muk" - even if there are those that would differ with me on that point.)

It doesn't matter if some people think I'm indulgent or my mother said a few years ago that she's not sure about us making "separate" meals for the kids. It doesn't matter that Gerry's main source of protein every day is fish sticks from a box.

(ok, so I was just playing Mario Kart with Gerry and during the race somehow everything I just wrote was erased - and oh boy was I upset! But then I thought, "Well, I guess that doesn't *really* matter either... but great news - the undo button worked, and it all came back! phew.)

It doesn't matter if... Gerry spills another bowl of granola on our carpet and the "toy chest" is sticky from orange juice drips. It doesn't matter that I love Disney movies and some people can't stand them. It doesn't matter that we love to visit Santa each year while other families choose not to - and tell their kids as soon as it comes up, "he's not real." It doesn't matter what age our children sleep through the night, or take their first steps, or utter their first full sentence. It doesn't matter whether our houses are full of "nice things" or "second-hand things" or hardly any things at all. It doesn't matter whether my Facebook post gets 20 likes or 50 shares. It doesn't matter if I keep track of every post that goes through my news-feed. It doesn't matter if my kids clothes are grass stained or their hair tangle-y and snarled. It doesn't matter if my toddler (or preschooler!) can barely sit down at the dinner table for more than 2 minutes. It doesn't matter if we don't really have a "family dinner" every night.

It doesn't matter that some people believe Jesus was the son of God and some don't, that some people believe he was an amazing person and some believe that he didn't exist. In fact, I'm coming to the conclusion that "what I believe" doesn't matter much at all - or at least not nearly as much as what I do.

And so we arrive at what *does* matter. Because I guess we all know that some things really do matter. It's just in the great big grand scheme of life, the percentage of things that matter is very small. Maybe minuscule. Maybe so teeny-tiny that the number of things that DON'T matter actually approach 100% - thereby making the title of this post true. But I guess that doesn't matter either.

So what matters? People. Connection. Being Kind. Doing our best. Apologizing. Giving. Loving. It matters that when I began writing this post two days ago, I stopped as soon as my kids needed me (which was pretty soon after I started). It matters that I turn away from the screen and look into Marisol's eyes. It matters that I played Mario Kart with Gerry. It doesn't matter that most of the words that were spinning through my mind are lost - maybe forever. Even the beautiful, poetic, deeply felt words. They don't matter.

On our drive home the other day there was an amazing sunset. A few minutes after I took this picture it got even more intense on the horizon. But I noticed if you looked above there was just a wall of gray clouds, blanketing the entire sky. There was just the one strip of brightness in the sky - and fairly narrow compared to the whole sky. And I thought, (insert deep, introspective voice here that says, "Deep Thoughts by Susan D. May" - ok it doesn't sound as catchy as Jack Handy, but it's not bad...) Anyway, I thought, why in life do we often focus on the gray? Even if there is only that small section of sky burning on the horizon, it should be enough to capture our attention and set our imaginations on fire. So I'm setting an intention to keep my focus on the bright spots right in front of me. I'm not going to crane my head up to look at the vast expanse of gray - I know it's there but it doesn't help or inspire me. But that sunset? Breathtaking. I don't want to take my eyes off of it because it doesn't last long.

It doesn't matter if I feel judged or if someone else thinks I'm judging them... whether I am or not. I see so many people stressing over things that DON'T MATTER (and believe me, I am one of those people I see! I am right there stressing with everyone else.) But my message to these people - the ones who think I am judging them - and myself - is just this: It doesn't matter. We cause ourselves and others so much needless suffering. If we could stop focusing on the gray skies above us, that seem to stretch on endlessly, and instead draw our gaze back down to the brilliant horizon - to the seemingly small things, but oh so bright - then we would see what really matters.

Members of the Human species, let us remember every day - there are No Guarantees and there are No Re-dos. Just ask any parent who has lost a child. (I always think of this mama and it helps me be the mother I want to be.) We do not know how long we have with any of our loved ones. So please remember, (almost) Nothing Really Matters. When your child is freaking out or refusing to do what you want them to - remember what matters... and what most definitely does NOT. When your significant other annoys you and you want to snap at them try (TRY!) to take a deep breath and bite your tongue. Wait 5 minutes (or 10). Repeat your mantra, "It doesn't matter." Remember why you love them. Remember all the things they do for you. Try to see their perspective.

Nothing really matters. When we realize this we are so much freer, so much lighter, so much more present. We can let go of all the tiny details like what we look like on the outside or what others think of us and focus on the very few things that Do Matter.

Jewel has been quoted often, because she said it simply and truly,

"In the end, only Kindness matters."

If this post resonates with you please share. Let's keep spreading the word! And of course I'd love to hear from you as always.

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Experts and a Fall From Grace

11/25/2013

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For quite some time I've mentioned that I don't believe "experts" are the key to any of the really important answers in life. I do think that people who have enough knowledge to be considered "experts" can be very valuable and offer incredible insight into our lives. But what I don't agree with is blindly following "expert" advice, putting experts up on high pedestals, giving them almost "god-like" status, and just generally deferring important decisions to others because they are an "expert".

My disillusion with experts largely comes from my dealings with Doctors - because they are the experts that I have had the most contact with. Also, not surprisingly, but interestingly, the issues that have led me away from experts have had to do with: reproduction, contraception, pregnancy, birth, and parenthood.

Here is my story and how experts fell from (my) grace.

When Mike and I had been married for a year I decided I wanted to give Natural Family Planning (NFP) a try. When we took our Pre-Cana class before getting married a couple came and talked to us about NFP and they were so enthusiastic about it that they really captivated me. So I ordered a book that included support from a person versed in NFP and taught myself. I stopped taking the pill. Mike and I were not ready just yet for pregnancy, so I really was counting on the method working. Well, when I went to my family doctor's office for my yearly woman checkup I talked to the Nurse practitioner about NFP. Let's just say she was not very supportive or encouraging. She kind of laughed and said, "Oh my parents did that! And they got pregnant with x number of kids... Good luck with that."

Wow. Well, luckily I was not discouraged and I knew enough already to know that this woman was uninformed. (For instance, the "Rhythm" method or counting days is NOT NFP.) I went on to prevent pregnancy for a year, have two planned pregnancies, and now have been preventing for almost 2 more years. Not a bad track record, if I do say myself.

So that was strike numero uno for experts.

Onto pregnancy #1. While pregnant with Marisol I decided to take a Bradley birth class to prepare for her birth. Even my own mother was worried that I would "try to go natural" (apparently she knows me better than myself, because I didn't even know at the time that that was exactly what I would do!) Anyways, long story short - becoming informed about pregnancy and childbirth and the state of our maternity care in the United States was a HUGE reality check as far as trusting the medical system. I know many mothers will understand this without further explanation. Our medical system largely treats pregnancy and birth as a disease and the mother and baby as patients that need saving. After Marisol's birth I couldn't ignore the fact that information that I had been led to believe simply is not true. (You can read her birth story here, appropriately the first part I called my most magnificent awakening: Marisol's Birth Part 1, and here Marisol's Birth Part 2)

Ok, some seeds of doubt had definitely been planted for me. Now would come the longest, most difficult departure for me. I had entered motherhood (this departure is actually the basis for me writing this blog - to share my experience and reach out to others that they are not alone.)

With my daughter, even though I had already made a great leap by having a completely natural childbirth, I was still very much the "A+" student who believed that there was a "right" way to do things (and actually, natural child birth probably fed into this even though it is not the "norm" in our culture). I still believed that if I just read the right books and followed the right advice, then I could master this parenting gig - just like everything else I had mastered in life up to this point (oh perfectionism, you are such a sneaky, insidious character!) So I dutifully made my pediatric appointments and brought my questions in and fumbled through that first year of parenthood. (BTW - click here for an excellent read about the first year of parenthood.)

One of my more vivid memories of these appointments was when I naively asked my pediatrician (and he was such a wonderful man - kind, encouraging, and so supportive of me!) if the proper way to put Marisol to sleep in her crib was "sleepy, but still awake". I can still see the expression on his face as he answered kindly, that yes that is the theory so that they learn to sleep on their own. It was almost as if he didn't want to burst my delicate new-mother bubble. But man, now that I look back on it I wish that people were more honest about babies' sleep - that they are supposed to wake up often, and feed often, and that it is NORMAL for children not to sleep through the night - for years even!

(Well, I can see that this could get really long. And actually a LOT of this is the very same fodder that I am using to write that book of mine that is supposedly some day going out to the masses. So let's just move along a bit, since this is just a mere blog post and not a tome on the subject.)

So let's see, where was I? Oh yes. Ok, so baby Marisol was doing her best to break me of my precious addiction to being perfectly right all the time - my main fix being to turn to experts to give me the ANSWERS please! (Her main methods of breaking me were through her sleep habits which you can read about here.)

And then about 2 1/2 years later we were excitedly making plans to let our families know that baby #2 was on the way. (Let's have a little picture break to mark that occasion.)

Now, at that time we lived in DC in a tiny 1-bedroom condo with our cat. Mike was in business school at Georgetown, I was babysitting to keep a little cashflow going, and because of these factors we qualified for Medicaid. This meant that the easiest place (that was also covered by insurance) to go for care was the Georgetown hospital.

I don't think I will ever forget that appointment. I was so excited to confirm our pregnancy (we had already taken a couple home pregnancy tests - that were both positive). The OB asked me all of the normal questions. I explained that Marisol, my 2 year old, still was breastfeeding and that in fact I only had 2 periods before getting pregnant. At this point the Doctor said two things that further damaged my trust in experts. First, she exclaimed, "Oh well then we don't even really know if you are pregnant then!"

What?!? Because I've only had 2 periods? I still don't get it. Especially since it is well known how accurate home pregnancy tests are. To this woman's benefit, I'm sure that the "average" patient isn't as "in-tune" with their body as crunchy-granola NFP types like me - but still! So instead of me peeing in a cup or taking a bit of blood or whatever other hocus pocus is possible to confirm pregnancy, she got out the wand ultrasound to take a look.

Oh man, I still get angry thinking about this. Not really at her or even the procedure so much. I mean, it's just a wand up your vagina right? No, it wasn't painful and I didn't feel humiliated or anything (although I know lots of stories of women who have felt this way after OB appointments) No, I'm mad at myself. For not having the guts to say, "No Thanks." I didn't need that ultrasound and if I could go back I wouldn't get it again. But I also know there was part of me that wanted to show her - YES I AM pregnant.

The second thing she insisted was that Marisol would have to wean by the end of the first trimester. I did another internal "What?!?" I mean I knew my daughter (and myself) and I knew that wasn't happening. I was about 7 weeks pregnant - so in another month and a half? Plus I had already done some reading on tandem nursing (nursing more than one child) so her declaration confused me.

One thing I am good at is nodding my head and smiling. And then doing whatever the f*ck I want. So I went home and googled nursing while pregnant and every site that popped up confirmed that for the vast majority of mamas and babies it is perfectly safe. Big Strikes 2 and 3 for experts (well more than that if you count my first pregnancy/birth and Marisol chipping away at the doctor's advice, but these were two big ones).

I only had one more appointment at GT and thankfully not with that Doctor. I switched to a birth center and never looked back.

At the birth center we had to fill out paperwork before the baby came. One decision was about circumcision. The birth center would not even do them - it was against their philosophy - and if we had a boy and wanted one we would have to schedule an appointment. By this point in my parenting journey it was easy to check the "no" box and skip that procedure for our son. I'm so grateful that it was that easy for us, because for MANY parents it is not. I'm also glad that Marisol was a girl because I'm sure I would have just gone along with whatever prescribed advice had been given to me on that topic too. This may seem a little unrelated to the whole "experts" theme of this post, but in my mind they are very much related. There are so many mothers out there who regret decisions, like circumcision, and just go along with them because their Doctor tells them it's the thing to do.

And while we're on controversial topics, let's talk vaccines. I don't think this topic is going to be "resolved" any time soon. What I do know is that with my daughter I questioned nothing, researched nothing, and she had every shot "on time" for the first few years of her life.

With my son I was a different person - largely because of the experiences above. So I started reading. And that just made things more confusing - because there is a lot of conflicting information out there and the opinions on either side of the debate are very intense. I can tell you someone (or more accurately someoneS) who didn't help though - you might know by now. Our pediatricians at the Georgetown hospital basically made me feel stupid for even questioning the possibility that maybe vaccines aren't all they're cracked up to be. It was the straw that broke my faith in experts forever. I was not treated respectfully even though I know that I am an intelligent, educated woman who is just trying to make the best decision I can for my kids. When the "Dead Baby Card" was thrown at me I knew it was time to leave and find a care provider that was supportive of me and Mike, our kids, and our choices.

So there you have it. I think that there are lots of Doctors who are good people. I think that there are lots of Experts who have valuable knowledge and skills to share. What I will not ever do is turn my life, body, or children over to an expert and let them make a decision for me. I've seen too many times that experts often don't know what they are talking about - so it's up to me to do my homework so I can make the best decision possible.

I've been meaning to write this post for over a year now. What finally spurred me to do so was a new friend in distress. Her little girl is ready to home school - something this wonderful mama actually wants to do anyway! But the mom also wants to make sure that taking her daughter out of school is the best decision for everyone - so she consulted with teachers and administrators at the school to gather more information. Well, the school-folk ("experts" if you will) had the audacity to make the mom feel like the reason her daughter is saying these things to her is due to some fault of hers - in her home or her relationship with her child.

And you know what? That ticks me off! How dare anyone presume to know more than this beautiful woman about her own daughter. And how dare they assume that they know better what is good for the little girl - the same little girl who is clearly telling her mother what she wants and needs. Do they really think that she would confide so much in them?

Mamas and Papas - please use experts the way they are meant to be used. As sources of information and support. They are not gods or goddesses, they are not superheroes with capes - they are people like you and me with specialized knowledge. But they do not know you or your family better than you do. YOU are the expert on that.

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An attempt to answer some good questions about all this Peaceful Parenting Stuff....

11/22/2013

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Susan, Thank you so much for your lovely words and wonderful messages.

I would love some concrete examples of how you deal with your kids in situations where a parent would normally assert control (or at least attempt to). For example, if one child is hurting another with a toy (stick, whatever), would you talk about it first and not just remove the toy (I would always explain and talk after taking action)? For the child who refuses to budge when the family needs to go somewhere... what do you do in that situation... if talking and talking doesn't work? If a child runs through a parking lot without looking, do you not speak to them sternly? I am genuinely interested in how you manage these very typical situations. I talk with my kids all the time and explain my reasoning and ask their opinions and compromise when I can, but there are a good amount of situations in which they do need to be told no, and sometimes it can't always be with a gentle tone. I think a lot about what *you* would say/do and I've even read some material in addition to yours about this more unconventional style of parenting - I incorporate a lot of it, but some of it, I can't get around. My son has tantrums sometimes specifically in order to get his way and I have tried sitting and talking to him about it and providing comfort, etc, but it perpetuates the issue and doesn't feel right to me. When I started giving the tantrums the absolute attention he was asking for, he really started doing it more... I consider myself a very warm and loving parent, but I *do* feel like I need to set limits in order to teach. I know these are all trigger words and I hope it's fine that I'm being honest. I am open-minded to a good degree (meaning I think I will always set tv and food choice limits and I won't be exploring home schooling for various reasons), but I would love to hear more about your style with some concrete examples.

Thank you again xoxo - Janet

So my wonderful cousin (actually she's married to my cousin, but I consider her family now and therefore call her my cousin...just try to stop me) left this comment a while ago on this post and I've been working a little at a time on a response. Janet blogs herself at The House on Salem Street, and I've only come away from her writing dry-eyed once or twice. She is amazing, I highly recommend you check her blog out. Just make sure you have tissues nearby.

Before I dive into answering some of Janet's questions I want to get a few general thoughts out. First I want to address the misconception of Unschooling/Peaceful Parenting that parents following these philosophies never say no or are never stern. It's just not true. I do know that many try not to arbitrarily say no and many try to find the "yes" as often as they can (I'm sharing a great link later on).

As for being stern or sharp - I find that as my kids get older I am sharper. But I'm also opening up to the idea that it isn't necessary. (I think I'm opening a whole new can of worms here, so I'll try to state it simply for now.) What I mean is - since my kids have not become desensitized to harsh tones, they *do* react to it (well my 7 year old daughter especially). I can simply say, "That was mean" in a very low voice or give her a look and she is so sensitive to it that there is an immediate reaction. However, I'm actually beginning to see that even that isn't usually necessary. Ugh. I'm on a tangent here. But my main point is (and I've heard many other writers/sharers say the same) is that just because someone (like myself) believes in Peaceful Parenting, that doesn't make us perfect. Please always know that. There are times for stern tones - they just aren't as necessary or often as most of us believe.

Another thought I had run through my mind is: There is no magical answer.
There are TONS of amazing resources and people out there. This is a good thing BUT it can also be overwhelming. Sometimes you may be into researching and trying new strategies BUT many times you may be best off following your instincts and tuning into yourself and your kids. It helps so much to have one or a few big ideas guiding you - for myself Kindness is a huge one. Also, just rejecting punishment in itself is a huge step because it takes it off the table as an option.

So without further ado, or tangents, or bush-beating - let's jump into some of Janet's questions.

For example, if one child is hurting another with a toy (stick, whatever), would you talk about it first and not just remove the toy (I would always explain and talk after taking action)?

This to me is a clear case of safety coming first. ALL of our kids need to feel safe in their own homes. Safe with us, their siblings, other family members, and themselves. If they are already hurting someone, else they need to be stopped, when they are little this often means physically by holding them.

I think that the important thing is that there are lots of other times when you are not using physical force. For example, instead of grabbing something from a small child (because you "think" it's dangerous {scissors jump to mind - I find it is rarely necessary to grab them from a toddler and may even more dangerous to do so!} or because *they* just grabbed it from another child), you do NOT grab from them. You try to trade with them, talk to them about not grabbing, wait till they drop it or move on etc. When children see that you use physical force as a last resort and only in instances of safety (another example people love to throw out there is a child running into the road - of course you stop them!) they get the message. Oh I guess, I just answered your parking lot question with that one too. Parking lots are tricky. Kids want to be independent, parents want kids to be safe. (Because parking lots often feel like one of the most dangerous places in the world!) I've tried lots of different things - carrying the child, encouraging holding hands - often if I hold out a finger and they wrap their fingers around it, they are more cooperative than if I tightly grab their hand, holding onto a hood/shirt, of course having many conversations about dangers in parking lots, pointing out when I see cars engines are on or even backing out, sometimes grabbing a shopping car in the parking lot and putting them in it right at the car.

For the child who refuses to budge when the family needs to go somewhere... what do you do in that situation... if talking and talking doesn't work?

Once again there is no one-size-fits-all answer here. Because we have chosen a lifestyle with maximum flexibility there are really very few times when our whole family HAS to go somewhere. We really have chosen most of the things we do. I think what would help answer this is a post about how I get out the door with my two kids with maximum cooperation from both of them. Marisol has 3 classes a week this year and so far we haven't missed any - so we are getting better at getting out to places by certain times. We've had many years of NOT needing to be hardly anywhere though, which I'm sure has helped.

Gerry is in a phase where he loves being home - he really doesn't want to leave, even when it's a place he knows he has a lot of fun. Here are things that help us get places:

1) Make appointments/classes later in the day. We are all slow starters and neither of my kids like to be rushed right in the morning.

2) Start talking about our plans early in the day. When he says, "No I don't want to go!" I usually lightly say, "You don't want to go? We're not going yet, we have time." I also remind him of fun things we do at the place (trampoline at friends' house, playground at church etc.)

3) As we approach leaving time I get everything ready (snacks, extra clothes, iPhones for car etc.) and I also give more "It's almost time to go!" prompts.

4) When Marisol and I are ready I let Gerry know. He's often at the computer and again voices his discontent. I offer empathy - even calmly affirming him by saying, "I hear you" or "I know you don't want to go". If there is a short clip left of what he is watching always respect his wish to finish it - if it's longer (which usually doesn't happen - if he's watching TV I'll usually give him enough warning - this is the last show!) we try to pause it. I ask if he wants to bring anything with him (his "lovey" is a KING SIZE sheet right now! ha! So that comes with us along with Raoul - his new remote control car).

I've found that Gerry actually adjusts really well to going once we're moving. Not like his big sis who often held onto her discontent until we returned home. The more people in the family, the more difficult it is to always do things that everyone wants to do. It helps so much to stay open to creative solutions, to offer empathy, and to make things as fun as possible. We are also not above a little sweet bribery! Mostly kids want to be with us doing fun things so we can use this to our advantage.

I talk with my kids all the time and explain my reasoning and ask their opinions and compromise when I can, but there are a good amount of situations in which they do need to be told no, and sometimes it can't always be with a gentle tone.

You are correct - there are going to be plenty of times when kids don't get what they want right when they want it. I think the thing to keep in mind is that our conventional, modern parenting practices has kind of made "no" the default mode for kids. It is really healthy for us to examine this phenomenon. Because always being told no is NOT healthy. It squelches curiosity and spirit and weakens our connections to each other. Sometimes we can say yes is creative ways - for instance when we're tired or it's bedtime, "Yes we can jump on the bed - tomorrow" etc. Here are a lot more ideas about saying yes.

I wrote a bit about the idea of a gentle tone above. I think for myself (as I alluded to before) this is actually an area that I'm growing and changing in right now. It didn't help Marisol when I told her she was mean - she knew. And because our relationship is so strong and connected she had no problem telling me that it didn't help her - that in fact it made her feel worse, when what she needed was to feel better so she could DO better. (And this reminded me of a post I wrote a while ago in which I talked about a book called The Old Way. The author, Elizabeth Marshall Thomas talks about how children in this tribal society were almost never "reprimanded" and they were just delightful human beings to be around!)

Also, there are plenty of ways to redirect a small child that don't involve being stern - for instance by being playful!

This is an idea that I definitely need to think on more and can be expanded on. I think that the biggest thing you hit on is how THE IDEA that sometimes we "must" be stern is a limiting idea. Just questioning that attitude will start to bring about change. In fact, there are plenty of ways to be kind and gentle when our kids aren't able to get what they want. Being told NO in fact does not have to be a harsh experience. (However, we may have to deal with more expressive feelings in this scenario. The harshness may be what we are using to keep our kids "in line" and behaving in a way agreeable to us. ie - no tears, accepting the "no" or "consequences", moving on etc)

All that being said, one thing I do NOT want to do is make any parents feel guilty for not being "enough" - gentle enough, fun enough, creative enough, loving enough... etc. We try. If things don't go the way we wanted them to we have lots of things we can do - talk to our kids, reach out to others for creative ideas, TRY AGAIN, love ourselves unconditionally and recognize all of the things we do well. Remember that just by believing we can do better, we are being the best parent to our kids possible.

And this is getting long now, but as for tantruming and kids. I've had my fair share of tantrum experiences (we call them meltdowns or MDs in our house :-P) When Marisol was littler I tended to disengage - especially when she didn't want hugs etc. But now I know that there are ways to just be present - to literally JUST BE - and let them get their feelings out. The thing is, the feelings aren't going to go away so we get to choose how we deal and react to them. We can add to them or we can ride them out. I'm adding a few links at the bottom that may be helpful.

I hope this was helpful! If anything jumps out at you or you'd like me to expand on it please let me know!

Links to check out:
Hitting and Peaceful Parenting

When Children Hit - 10 Tips for Parents by L.R. Knost

Toddlers, Tantrums, and Time-Ins, Oh My! by L. R. Knost

Peaceful Parent Institute - Toddler Articles By Genevieve Simperingham

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An Interview with Dr. Ishaq, founder of the ICAF

11/13/2013

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Click on the picture to head over to the International Child Art Foundation's website!

This morning I had the honor of speaking with Dr. Ashfaq M. Ishaq. (Click on his name and then open the document to read more about him.) My purpose was twofold - to find out more about the International Child Art Foundation (ICAF) so I could pass that information on to readers; and, I wanted to let the ICAF know about my calendar project. I was nervous about calling (I mean I was calling to tell them that I was giving them money after all... wait a second, why was I nervous again?? Ha!), but Dr. Ishaq put me at ease immediately. He was kind and gracious, humble, and generous with his time. In fact, he was everything I respect in a person and exactly the kind of person I would expect to run an organization like this. I was NOT expecting to talk to the founder of the organization, but they put me right through to him!

Here is a summary of my call with him (cut short when my 4 year old came searching for me and yelling for me to stop talking! Of course...)

Me: What gave you the idea of starting the ICAF?

Dr. Ishaq: 17 years ago I was amazed that there was no national organization for arts for children in the United States. Most organizations are at the local or state level. We all know that there is power in the arts - art is a powerful universal language. We believe in the power of art in encouraging creativity and empathy in children - essential traits for solving problems our world faces now and in the future.

Me: Is there a particular project within the ICAF that needs support now? I know that you run several programs.

Dr Ishaq: Of course - The flagship program is the Arts Olympiad which is a free program for schools and students, but of course it is not free for us! For every $1 we receive, we can engage 1 more child. So we are very cost effective. Many schools do not even have art teachers or programs anymore, so in this way we can bring art back to communities and students who no longer have easy access to them.

Me: Why should people support ICAF?

Dr. Ishaq: For a better future for all. All the problems we have we need creativity and empathy to solve.

Me: If there was 1 thing you want people to know, what would it be?

Dr. Ishaq: There is a phenomenon we call the 4th grade slump. Children are born creative and curious. For whatever reason children in this age range (8-12 years old) who were previously uninhibited in creative expression become less creative.

At this point my Gerry desperately needed me! So our conversation ended quickly. I have to say I was surprised by his last answer. I felt like my questions were a bit redundant (I blame it on "mommy-brain"!) so I thought he would again emphasize the importance of empathy and creativity in solving problems (and I, of course, completely agree with him on this point!) So when he brought up the creativity slump I was at once intrigued. I (surprisingly) have my own theories about why this occurs (ok, I know... it's not so surprising) but what I most admire about Dr. Ishaq and the ICAF is the focus on taking action to combat the problem.

This morning I woke up a little bit tired and not feeling very motivated. But I had it in my mind that I wanted to try getting in touch with someone from the ICAF. When I found out that I'd be talking to the Founder himself, I definitely got a little adrenaline rush. But Dr. Ishaq was so wonderful that my nerves quickly settled and I learned that this organization is every bit as remarkable as I thought it was the first time I read their mission statement. I love that he had this idea and he set out to put this plan into action and now the ICAF is flourishing.

I learned this morning the power of picking up the phone and making a new connection. I learned that by taking a small step I can change the dynamic of my whole day. Most importantly, I learned that even I, a stay-at-home-mom, can be an agent of change by using the resources and time available to me.

We've already sold almost 20 calendars and now that I know that even $1 makes a difference for a child somewhere, I feel great about the contribution we'll be making to the ICAF. But there are still 5 more days to buy a calendar and help me spread the word! Click here to read the original post about my project and see the artwork. Please share this post or any of the others I've written about the project. If you're ready to buy now, click the button below. Each calendar is $15 (inluding tax and shipping) and 100% of the profits are being donated to the ICAF.

Thanks for reading and your continued support! I'm learning so much through this project.

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Feeding My Family: Challenges and Growth

11/12/2013

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Welcome to the November 2013 Carnival of Natural Parenting: Feeding Your Family

This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama. This month our participants have shared recipes, stories, and advice about food and eating. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.

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I've had a post in my head since shortly after starting this blog called, "Focus on Food" - that's almost 2 years... and I still haven't written it yet. This post seems more difficult to write than last month's post about Technology use in our family. Probably because I have more hang-ups to work through still.

After writing last month's post about No Limits on Screen-time I started thinking about how "no limits" isn't really an accurate description. Because there are times when our screen time is naturally limited - sleeping comes to mind immediately. (No, I'm not being facetious, I really mean that is a naturally occurring limit to screen time.) Another would be wanting to be certain places at certain times (although in our family we do tend to bring little screens with us in the car, so I guess this is a limit on the "Big TV".) Anyway, a better way of looking at our technology use is that we have lots of choices and try to support each other the best we can.

With that in mind I believe that the ideal situation in feeding my family is having lots of choices available and allowing individuals to decide what and when they eat (and usually where in our house.)

The two main challenges I've had to overcome in implementing this "ideal" are:

1) My background with food - I've never been that interested in cooking as a child or young adult. (<-- I guess I can't call myself that anymore?!?) My mom didn't enjoy cooking that much and it wasn't something we did together. We did LOTS of other things together and did eat a healthy diet (she was always great about having a vegetable at every dinner!) but we were also very busy. School (my mom was my math teacher in the 9th and 12th grades!), band, sports, and keeping up with the family business (golf course) were our main focuses. When I went to college I had a meal plan and rarely cooked. So I first started cooking at a very ripe age - in my 20s. I didn't REALLY become interested in food and cooking till AFTER having children. Starting a new interest when you have babies is probably the most challenging time to do so - because you don't have the time, energy, or mental resources to do so.

2) Societal expectations - We are mostly expected to control our children's "intake" in our culture. "Three more bites and then you can have dessert," and "No, you already had X lollipops, you may not have another," are common phrases in our culture. Children are praised for being "good eaters", "cleaning" their plates, or reminded of the "starving children in Africa" as if eating more will somehow help.

Other pressures are our ideas that eating poorly will negatively affect our kids' health - their teeth, their weight, children's diabetes is on the rise etc. I'm not arguing the truth of these trends. However, the fear of these things adds to an already controlling culture. We don't trust our kids to make the best choices for themselves - the same way we don't trust them to choose in regards to technology, sleep, and just about any other issue you can think of. I think this is the biggest challenge we face as a culture. Especially because there is so much food to choose from and we keep learning more about how our food is grown and raised affects us. It is easy to want to control everything that goes into our children's mouths - after all we want the best for them. But for me it is not worth sacrificing the trust in our relationship. So I work hard to push back against these societal expectations and pressures.

A few pictures we've snapped of food in our house and out and about over the past year...

I want to add in here that I have an awesome partner in the kitchen. Mike actually took the lead in keeping us fed from the start of our marriage. He loves to grill and often cooks dinner after working all day at the office - this was especially true when the kids were really little. I know - I'm really lucky.

We've really both been on the same page about moving our family in healthier directions while not stressing ourselves or our kids too much, because that is just as important! We don't try to force our kids to eat foods but we do try to offer lots of options.

And now that I've acknowledged my partner in crime, here are the ways I've personally grown:

1) Focus on Myself: Because I believe that the best thing I can do is model healthy eating myself, I focus on MY diet instead of worrying what my kids are eating all the time. I eat healthier than I ever have, since having kids. When I was in college I went through a phase of focusing on "Strive for 5" (trying to get 5 servings of fruits and vegetables every day). Now I don't bother counting, but because I eat so many fruits and vegetables, I'm confident that I'm getting at least that many every day if not more. Green smoothies are a regular part of my diet since Mike bought a Vitamix for my birthday a couple of years ago. I'm also expanding my cooking repertoire slowly but surely - and enjoying it! Some things Mike and Marisol also eat, and some things only I eat.

2) Offering "Monkey Platters" to my kids: This is a popular term in unschooling circles, started by Sandra Dodd. Marisol calls it a "tray of food." They really eat a lot of healthy food when they are given choices in this appealing way. Last night Marisol ate a whole tray that included green beans, a cheese stick, strawberries, baby dill pickles, and celery with peanut butter. Gerry's go-to foods right now are strawberries and dill pickles too. He will also eat raw carrots sometimes.

3) Releasing (and Re-releasing) Fears: Feeding my kids has been a challenge for me - one that I didn't anticipate. (Although, now looking back I'm not sure what I thought - that somehow it would be easy even though I'd never spent much time thinking about food or cooking?) My daughter is kind of like the "poster child" for Unschooling. She does makes a lot of choices that jive with societal expectations of what is "healthy" so it's easy to give her a lot of freedom. My son on the other hand has a HUGE sweet tooth. So it is more difficult with him to let go, relax, and trust him. I mentioned above some of the healthy foods he eats regularly. The truth is he eats a lot of sweets and "processed" foods too. His main go-to dinners are out of a freezer box - we feed him fish sticks (the best quality ones money can buy!) almost every day. But he is healthy and happy and growing so those are the things that I work to focus on. Because he's really in a narrowing phase of foods I keep offering foods I know he likes and I trust he will start expanding his options when he is ready.

I feel like I could write a book about feeding my family! There will always be more learning and growing to do. One aspect that I didn't touch on here that deserves a whole post (or book?) unto itself is breastfeeding. My children's first food was probably the best I've made and the easiest. And it always has given me comfort knowing how much nourishment and comfort they've received through breastfeeding.

I loved looking at all the pictures we've taken of food we've made or eaten out at restaurants in the past year or so. Some things have become regular additions and others we've only made once or twice. But it all looks so yummy! I think this is a pretty good representation of where we are right now. I'd love to hear about your challenges and strengths when feeding your family!

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Visit Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!

Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

(This list will be updated by afternoon November 12 with all the carnival links.)

Nut Free Desserts for the Holidays — Becky at Crafty Garden Mama will be talking about navigating the holidays with peanut allergies in the family.
Making Peace with My Picky Eater — Once upon a time, there was a boy who would try anything. And then he turned 3. Thus began the dinner chronicles at Dionna at Code Name: Mama's house.
Foodie Morphed by Motherhood — Rosemary at Rosmarinus Officinalis reflects on the changes of her family's food culture since becoming a mother, and shares a snapshot of their current food rhythm.
Introducing First Foods — Wondering what your little one should take a bite of first? That Mama Gretchen explains baby-led weaning/baby self-feeding and answers a number of questions that may come to mind!
Feeding Your Family — Coconut Oil!!! — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama is a coconut oil devotee. In this post, she shares her favorite ways to include coconut oil in her family's diet as well as why she feels it is important to do so.
We Thank the Earth for its Food! — Terri at Child of the Nature Isle spends hours in the kitchen each day trying to make medicine in the form of food.
Focusing on Healthy, Gluten-Free Foods for My Family — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now shares what her family is doing to eat healthily along with her recipe for gluten-free peanut butter oat bran muffins.
Intolerance — sustainablemum laments the misunderstanding surrounding food intolerances.
Don't Let Food Sensitivities Ruin Your Holidays! — Rachel, the Titus 2 Homemaker, talks about ways to enjoy the holidays even if you wrestle with food sensitivities.
Losing grains, keeping empathy: Paleo and fat acceptance — Lauren at Hobo Mama vlogs about her family's decision to cut grains to improve health — and hopes she can retain her position as a proponent of size acceptance even as she loses weight.
Easy Homemade Crockpot Mac & Cheese — Amy W. at Me, Mothering, and Making it All Work, shakes off the blue-box blues with an easy crockpot mac-and-cheese recipe with no artificial dyes or excessive preservatives … just creamy, delicious, comfort-food goodness.
Extended Family Dinners — Shannon at Pineapples & Artichokes talks about sharing family dinners with housemates and why it works for her.
Five Suggestions for Eating Healthy During the Holidays — No need to feel powerless when it comes to our highly sugared/processed food culture during the holidays &emdash; Andrea at It Takes Time offers tips to stay on track.
How to feed your family — no food required! — Jessica at JessicaCary.com is kind of obsessed with food. But, lately she's realized there's more to nourishment than what she cooks up in the kitchen.
Food as family medicine: living gluten-free and beyond — Jessica at Crunchy-Chewy Mama sticks to her gluten-free guns but sees room for improvement in her pursuit of a real-food family table.
Feeding My Family — Challenges and Growth — Susan at Together Walking shares what has been most challenging about feeding her two kids and how she has grown in the kitchen since becoming a mother.
How I Lost 75 Lbs — What I Eat & My Top 5 Tips — Abbie at Farmer's Daughter shares how she and her family became healthy, happy and active.
The Weight of Motherhood — Revolution Momma at Raising a Revolution rethinks her relationship with food after struggling with post-pregnancy weight gain.
Geek Food: Pumpkin Pasties — While Jennifer at True Confessions of a Real Mommy and family might have food sensitivities, their geekery knows no limits. So, when faced with a desire to recreate Pumpkin Pasties from Harry Potter, they do not shy away!
Pumpkin Harvest Muffins — This summer Mama is Inspired and family grew pumpkins, and this autumn they are baking scrumptious, healthy muffins out of those pumpkins.
Reintroducing Meat to the Vegetarian Tummy — Ana at Panda & Ananaso shares some of the considerations she explored before transitioning from a vegetarian diet to reintroducing meat as a protein source and a few tips on making it an easy one.
Thanksgiving Meal, Thankful? — Jorje of Momma Jorje has never felt terribly thankful for Thanksgiving itself. Perhaps that could change if she's a little more invested?
5 Ways to Use Healing Bone Broth — It's that time of year again, when unpleasant little bugs make their way into our homes. For Megan of Boho Mama, guest posting at Natural Parents Network, homemade stock or bone broth is a natural remedy.

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