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My life is pretty great on a day to day basis. I have loving, supportive relationships. I get to spend lots of time with my children every day. I have a job that is fun and fits our life perfectly. But I have been grappling with a lot of fear this year. When you choose to stop vaccinating your family there are many things to fear. You fear losing friends and loved ones. One of my best friends in the world told me how angry they get when they think about this issue. This is not surprising. The (almost non-existent) dialog surrounding this topic is full of fear and anger. The person who inspired me to write this blog also later publicly stated his belief that parents who don't vaccinate should be jailed or die horrible deaths. This is actually quite a common sentiment, at least online. Do you agree with the statement below? If so, what is your justification?  Click on the picture to open Jennifer Margulis' commentary about this particular Tweet. It's no wonder that people are scared to voice any concerns they have!
I fear the loss of my right to choose what is the right path for my family's health. Many states are taking away parents' rights. In June parents in New York State lost the right to use religious exemptions, therefore losing their right to attend public schools. Many (most?) people view this as a good thing. But do most people also know that NY Supreme Court Judge ruled that the Amish cannot have a religious vaccine exemption to attend their own private Amish school of 24 Amish children? Do most people know that New York is also discussing mandating flu and HPV vaccines? HPV is not a contagious disease. The flu vaccine is known not to be very effective. This is just one state! You can spend all day reading about what is going on around our country and the world. Where do the mandates stop? I fear our family will lose our income and insurance again if Mike ever lost his job over this issue. I fear we will have to move our family again, just as we are beginning to put down roots - especially if Virginia takes away religious exemptions. (In Virginia home-schoolers follow the same laws as public schools.) These are not irrational fears, they are very much based in reality of things that are happening around the country. Real people that I know - in REAL life - are dealing with this very issues. I have a friend that pulled her children out of school to home school. She also thinks about needing to uproot her family and move to another state. I have another friend that was repeatedly denied an exemption for the flu shot and came very close to handing in her resignation before they fired her. In the end her boss found a way for her to stay employed, but she was facing the very real possibility of loss of salary, insurance and other benefits for her family of four. Perhaps, you are thinking - "Well, at least you aren't fearing death." Because that is really want this comes down to, doesn't it? People who are for mandatory vaccination think that it is a justified practice because they are preventing the Worst Thing of All. But those of us who choose a different path have addressed the fear of death and we came out stronger for it. I have addressed that fear in myself. I addressed it by listening and learning from those who knew a lot more than me about the history of infectious illnesses and vaccines. I addressed it by observing what I see occurring in my life and in the world around me. Does this mean I don't get scared? That I'm not worried when my kids are sick? Of course not! It means that I take responsibility for our health the best that I can and that I realize I can't control everything. How many people vaccinate and then get sick anyway? How many people get sick and go to work anyway? How many people send sick children to school because they can't afford to keep their kids home? Should these all be punishable offenses? Are they not spreading as much or more illness than a family like ours? We stay home when we are sick much more often than the average American family. The problem with believing that mandatory vaccines are justified is you have to completely turn away from reality. You have to deny the thousands of people who say they were harmed by vaccines and/or have gotten healthier since they stopped. You have to believe in your right to impose your will and belief system onto someone else. Sounds pretty Un-American and very totalitarian. Do you think I'm crazy to be more fearful of that than I am of the measles? Well, I am. The irony? We are all going to die someday. So, the people who are trying to dictate how we all should live are fearing something that we cannot escape. They think that our fears of losing our health, homes, loved ones, jobs, insurance, education, ability to travel and move freely in the world are insignificant compared to what they fear. They think they have The Answer. And here is the crux of the issue. We are coming from completely different paradigms and belief systems. People who want everyone vaccinated believe the following: vaccines are "safe and effective", and reactions are "1 in a million", or "mild and rare". I don't believe any of those things anymore. If you want to know why, I am happy to discuss it with you! It is a long discussion, but I'm ready to have it! You can choose to ignore the information that is freely available to us all. But don't expect everyone to fall in line. It's only going to get uglier if more people don't start listening and speaking up. Does that scare me? Yes. But I cannot live every day in fear. I need to be here for my kids. I need to appreciate all that I have NOW. So I acknowledge it all. And then I try to make today a great day. I choose to believe that Mr. Rogers is right and that most of us are inherently good. I choose to hope that The Good will prevail in the end. And I'm going to take every scrap of hope and faith I have to power me forward and create a path that will empower me, my children and - in my the happiest of futures - my grandchildren too.
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A fellow Hypnobabies instructor recently brought this article to my attention. I read what this woman wrote about her birth experience and then a lot of the comments and it really made me sad.
I'm sad because instead of feeling empowered after her birth she felt like she failed (even though she had a natural birth... what??) I'm also sad to see how many other women felt this way. Clearly she struck a chord with many, many others. I don't think any woman should feel like a failure after giving birth, whether they are induced, have an epidural, birth their baby by Cesarean-section, have an all-natural birth or any other variation. The important thing is that women (and their partners) feel like THEY are the ones who made the important decisions and did what was right and best for themselves and their babies. I teach Hypnobabies. (I wrote here about whether it's "realistic". I think that post complements what I have to say here today.) Many women find Hypnobabies because they are scared of the PAIN that almost everyone talks about in our culture (and I do mean everyone - because whether people are all about natural child birth or the epidural they generally agree on one thing - there will be pain! We Hypnobabies folk are a bit rebellious in this regard. We are like the minority of the minority.) But most of these women who find Hypnobabies still want to have a natural child birth for various reasons. When they find stories of empowered births, comfortable births, and even PAIN-FREE births, they want that for themselves - who wouldn't? Our minds are very powerful. We teach our students that our minds work to create our reality based on our expectations and belief systems. Well guess what? The overriding belief system in our culture is that birth is scary and painful. So Hypnobabies works hard to change these expectations for our couples. There are affirmations EVERY DAY that expectant mamas listen to. We change the language because words like "contractions" and "labor" don't typically have positive connotations in our culture. But it is a difficult line that we walk. Because although birth can be beautiful, comfortable, and empowering it can also be the opposite. This is not a battle of "right" or "wrong". The truth is that birth is unpredictable and each woman's experience will be unique. But it is also true that birth does NOT *HAVE TO* be a painful, traumatizing experience (the proof is in every powerful, positive, joyful story of birth that is shared). And it IS WRONG to keep telling women that it WILL BE so for them. No one can tell you what your birth will bring. The woman in the article felt like a failure. She felt that she had been misled. She thought that she was "prepared". Clearly she wasn't prepared. I'm not saying that is her fault, it is just obvious that is is true. She mentions sexual trauma at the end, almost as an afterthought. I cannot pretend to know what her circumstances were or what she did to overcome whatever her experience was. But I do know that birth is more than a physical experience - it is profoundly emotional and spiritual too. If there are fears or experiences we are holding onto they can have a huge impact on our births. Being prepared in our culture is difficult. Birth happens behind closed doors. Most girls grow up into women without any direct experience with birth - they haven't seen it, heard it, smelled it, or touched it. We don't know what to expect. And so that hole gets filled with lots of things. Television shows and scary stories from family and friends can fill it up with a lot of negativity and fear. OR we can choose to fill our experiential void with positive, empowered, uplifting stories. We CAN choose. I'm more convinced all the time that there are two important factors that impact our birth experiences. Preparation is important: to eat well, to be as physically fit as possible, to be knowledgeable about our bodies and the birth process, and also about our present culture and how it impacts birth, and finally but perhaps most importantly to prepare our minds, hearts, and spirits with positive expectations. But the second factor is equally important. And that is this: once we are in the midst of birthing our babies we must LET. GO. We have prepared. We have done all we can do. And so by letting go of any expectations we have of our completely unique birth, we can embrace what it actually brings us. This is my hope for all mothers everywhere. "The unexamined life is not worth living" Socrates  Gerry in his night-time diaper. Yes you can see his shorts peeking out UNDERNEATH the diaper! A Friend's Facebook Status One Time Long Ago: Remind me that the next time I put a diaper on (my baby) before sleeping with him in one bed in a hotel room I MUST remember to make sure his penis is inside the diaper. I don't really have many pet peeves. There just isn't a lot that annoys me - especially little things that people do. I don't feel like it's worth the effort or time to get upset over things like people talking with food in their mouths or forgetting to introduce me to their spouse. But recently I've discovered a chink in my pet peeve armor. I really can't stand it when people say things or do things without thinking about them. Statements like, "well everyone's doing such and such these days," or "That's just how it's done now" are the epitome of unexamined thoughts and actions. And if these statements are made in regards to children then my tail feathers REALLY get ruffled. *Thinking* is essential when we are making decisions regarding our children. Not reacting or doing what our neighbor does or what our own mother did with us. Examining our intentions, our hopes, our children's needs and connecting with our own internal compass to guide our decisions is one way to mindful choices.
Perfection is not the point. Of course none of us are perfect. The point is being aware and actively try to make choices from a place of love and awareness. This to me is one of the great aspects of choosing to parent without punishments or rewards. It forces you to be creative, brainstorm, and come up with new ways of doing things. You are more likely to have discussions and problem solve when you are in the mode of being your child's partner. The same friend who posted the humorous status above has had to be creative recently with her older son and his bathroom/sleep needs. Last summer after he turned 5 he started having accidents in his bed at night. He had been fully potty trained and dry through the nights for quite some time. So now, before going to bed herself, my friend carries her son to the bathroom (he's usually been asleep for a few hours by this time) and has him pee. She then guides him back to bed - he actually walks himself and never fully wakes up! I asked her if she was nervous the first time she tried this and she said yes. I mean, no one wants to wake up their sleeping child! But it works for them, and I love her for creatively and lovingly meeting his need. My own son Gerry has been fully potty trained during the day since he was 2 1/2 - I remember because the exact day that marked his 2 1/2 year birthday he did his first successful outing without diapers. Nighttime is still a work in progress - he is probably dry 90% or more of the time. But the kid does not want to put a diaper on! No way, no how - he is DONE. D - U -N So for the last several months we usually put a diaper - disposable or cloth - on him after he fell asleep (unless we were feeling daring and just decided to risk it!) Usually it was no big deal - especially if I did it right after he fell asleep and he was in a deep sleep. Sometimes it was a pain when he stayed up late and I was exhausted. Pulling his shorts down was always a bit risky as as "wake up" factor. Luckily he easily goes back to sleep by nursing. And it was worth leaving his dignity intact. Our newest solution is to put a cloth diaper right over his shorts (see photo above). It's working well! Since we started doing that consistently he's been dry every morning! Go figure. My point in sharing these two stories (both about sleep and potty) is that there are often solutions to situations that are not immediately obvious or the "norm". By being creative and flexible we are modeling not only those attributes, but also showing our children that we are ready to support them the best we can. No, we are not perfect and do not have all the answers but we are their partners. Also we can try things and see if they work - if they don't, try something else! Fear often stops us from even trying. Fear of what others think, fear of being "weird", or just plain fear of waking your sleeping child! I'd love to hear some times when you've been able to "Think Outside the Diaper" - whether you are a parent or not! Creative problem solving feels GOOD - share some of your brilliant moments! You may inspire someone else... And I'll leave you with some more Wubbzy Wisdom, my Happy and Deep Mascot ;-) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ By The Book Lyrics: Bob Boyle / Music: b. Mossman It's good to do things the proper way But if it goes wrong that's okay If it's not right, don't be uptight It doesn't have to be by the book By the book...By the book It doesn't have to be by the book If you're out to have some fun but you find there is no sun It's okay, enjoy the day Even if it's not by the book If you want to play a game but the pieces aren't the same There's a way for you to play Even if it's not be by the book By the book...By the book It doesn't have to be by the book If the recipe calls for Doodleberry Jam...Doodleberry Jam! But all you have is Polka-Dot Ham...Polka-Dot Ham! It's not a waste Enjoy the taste Cuz it doesn't have to be by the book When you're building something cool but you don't have the right tool It is fine to re-design It doesn't have to be by the book If you have a fancy hat but you find it's rather flat Don't be blue, try something new It doesn't have to be by the book By the book...By the book It doesn't have to be by the book It's good to do things the proper way But if it goes wrong that's okay If it's not right, don't be uptight It doesn't have to be by the book “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, |
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Susan MayWife, mom, information and peace seeker. Categories
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