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Have you ever sat with someone, words tumbling and spinning through your mind - trying to find a way out of your brain and into the vast space between you? The tension builds inside of you to the point that you're sure they must feel the electricity in the air. So many phrases begging to be uttered, yet not a single word you can think of speaking out loud. So you muddle through - awkwardly talking about the weather or some other mundane topic. Anything but the existential, philosophical, murmurings of your soul. Because you know in your heart they don't want to hear those. Or silence falls heavy - not the comfortable kind either, but the thick, stifling, "Someone say something!" kind. You can feel that they have avoided bringing certain topics up around you precisely so they will not have to hear what you have to say about it. So you struggle - do I say something? Or so I respect that they don't want to talk about it? It's like you are holding onto a beautiful gift that you are afraid to offer and even if you did would not be accepted. I've felt this way. And then I heard this Sara Bareilles song today: (You can see the original video here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xwTr_CRw3GY - I'm not able to show it here on weebly - it's very inspiring!)
Whoa, if that's not powerful inspiration to speak our truths, I don't know what is. "LET YOUR WORDS FALL OUT!" I love that - makes it sound so easy. That's what I do here. I still believe knowing when our words are welcome and helpful is important. When they are not it may be more respectful to wait - till a better time and place. But I think it's so important for us to let out our truths. Bottling them up is not good for us! I dream of people feeling confident enough express their dreams, desires, needs, and truths in a compassionate way - and for more of us to become open, receptive listeners. Because it takes two to have a meaningful exchange. What about you? Do you struggle with sharing your deepest desires, goals, and values? Or is it easy for you to share?
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A few years ago I learned a very important lesson about control thanks to two people in my life. These two people have issues that they have not been able to work out between them. Because I care about them both, I wanted them to do things my way and figure out a way to forgive each other and mend their relationship. But they were not and still are not ready for such a step. So I was forced to realize that it is really not within my realm of control to make this happen. I could communicate with both of them, offer my perspective, even tell them what *I* wanted, but the bottom line is that what they choose to do is not something I can control. Ultimately I did express my opinion (which was very difficult and scary to do, but I did!) and this combined with my new realization about control, paved the way for a peaceful empowerment inside of me that I had not experienced before. Before we talk about what we can control, let's start with what we CANNOT control. We CANNOT Control: 1) Other people 2) The weather or natural disasters 3) The price of tea in China 4) The price of gas 5) Traffic 6) The inevitability of death ...I'm sure you can think of more - please feel free to add to my list! I suspect you may already have an inkling where this is headed. The ONLY thing that we will ever control is OURSELVES. The really good news is that this is all you really need AND with this alone you can make your life as awesome as you allow it to be. “The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company...a church....a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past...we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude...I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you...we are in charge of our attitudes.” ― Charles R. Swindoll There is a reason that this quote is famous - it's because people sense the truth in it and it inspires them.
I mean really, this idea seems so blatantly obvious I almost question writing about it. But it is evident to me in my every day life that although this idea is not new or unknown, very few people actually embrace it. Most people want to exert some kind of influence over their environment so that it suits their needs and desires - this includes the people in their lives. However once you've realized that controlling others is not possible, you will also realize that if you base your happiness on others' actions, you are basically confining yourself to being happy when people act the way you want them to! Sounds like a formula for being pretty unhappy. Yet this desire to control has been ingrained in us since the time we were small. Indeed, most of our parenting culture is based on trying to control children - what they eat, when they sleep, how much TV they can watch, what words they use, what clothes they wear, what they learn - this list can go on for quite some time. And our school system is even more insistent in its drive to confine, conform, and control. "Classroom control" is a regular term used by and about teachers. It is shameful if you do NOT have control over the 30 or so humans in your classroom at any given time. If there was ever a time when it was evident that I could not control another human being it was in my first year of teaching. And so I learned to use punishment and shame to get my students in line. I'm not proud of that now, but the truth is I did what I needed to, to survive in that environment. It also is the perfect example of why so many people think we NEED punishment to shape childrens' behavior. But I digress. I actually didn't start this post with children and parenting in mind. It just happens to be very relevant. When I started writing I was actually thinking about adults and how most of us do not have a good grasp of this concept. Let go of the desire to control anything other than yourself. Work on what you do have control over - your thoughts and actions. When you do you will experience a great sense of freedom, peace, and joy in your life. You will find it easier to process and release feelings - which sometimes course through us before we can "control" them. You will experience deeper connection in your relationships. You will notice when your desire for things to be different is causing you unhappiness and then you can adjust accordingly. You will become more empathetic and compassionate towards others. You will worry less, obsess less, stress less, nag less, and force less. You will love more, be more present, be more flexible, more creative, and more content. I say that this has been the most important lesson of my life so far because it applies to everything and everyone, every day of my life. I still want people to behave differently than they do sometimes, but I notice that desire when it happens and then I can let it go. So to those two people in my life who cemented this concept in my life I say, THANK YOU and I love you. Welcome to the April 2013 Authentic Parenting Blog Carnival: Peaceful Parenting Applied This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Authentic Parenting Blog Carnival hosted by Authentic Parenting and Living Peacefully with Children. This month our participants have written about Peaceful Parenting Applied. We hope you enjoy this month’s posts and consider joining us next month when we share about Self Love. *** It's easy to be a "peaceful parent" when our children are happy, engaged, getting along and just generally behaving in a way that we like. But what about the rest of the time? Well, that is when we actually get to put our peaceful-lovin' selves to practice. And it can be challenging to put our money where our mouths are - when we are being triggered, feeling strong emotions ourselves, and generally wishing that things were different in the moment. (<-- These are all reasons why our first priority needs to be working on ourselves and our reactions so we can best support and guide our children.) I tend to get stuck in the philosophical when I write. I love to climb up on my soapbox and wax about kindness and "being the change" we want to see in the world. But sometimes it's more helpful to give concrete examples and a window into our homes about how this actually looks day to day. We need inspiration AND we need practical, hands-on tips. My beloved, sweet 3 year-old boy is mostly through a hitting phase that has lasted for quite a few months (and even now as I type this, I'm JUST realizing - wow, it hasn't been so bad lately! *That's* what I'm talking about - these things fade almost without notice, even when just a short time ago they were driving us bonkers and we thought they'd never end). But it was pretty bad for a while. He was hitting his sister just about every day. And his big sister - 3 years his senior, several inches taller and over 10 pounds heavier - was scared of him hitting her. So, what's a peaceful parent to do? Thankfully, spanking has never been on my radar so that wasn't an option (and how much sense would that make in this situation - hitting my child to "teach" him to stop hitting!) But since I've fully accepted that the best route is not using any form of punishment at all, what did we do? (Appropriately, this is a phrase often uttered by my husband when conflict arises, "Mommy, what do we do?!" I believe that this is a good thing. Admitting that we don't always know what to do, breathing, listening, waiting {while keeping everyone safe} - are some of my favorite, most often used "tools".) In an ideal world I'm present enough to head off most incidents (before he took her head off, haha). When our children are in the midst of these difficult phases, it is our job to increase our vigilance. Also, I've already hit on (<--wow, I'm on a punny roll!) the idea that children will naturally grow out of most behaviors - given love and support. But sometimes we need to address behaviors in the moment - especially when the safety or well-being of any living thing is threatened. The way we address hitting after it has already happened was mainly with many (very short) talks. "Hitting isn't nice." "We don't hit." "Hitting hurts" and "Look, Marisol is crying, you hurt her." The key is to remain calm yourself and make clear that hitting is not acceptable. And I mean that about remaining calm - adding our frustration to the mix will never help our kids learn or grow. Even if you've been saying the same thing day after day for months, keeping your voice low and your body language open and loving is so important. As my high-school chemistry teacher, Doc, always said, "Repetition is the key to learning" (or one of them anyways!) Remember, it often takes us a long time to change our habits and behaviors - we shouldn't expect our kids to be any different. (Side note: be patient with yourself if remaining calm is something that *you* are learning to do. The first step is to notice when you're starting to feel agitated. Taking deep breaths is extremely helpful. With time and practice you will get better at it. And when you lose your patience you get to practice regaining your calm and apologizing - all great skills to model for our kids!) It's also been helpful that Marisol is increasing her independent, alone time. She's naturally sought out space and time away from her little brother. She goes to the basement to watch shows, hoop, and play with toys - often for hours - while Gerry and I hang out together on the main level. Not long ago she didn't like being "alone" for such a long time, but she's entered a new phase herself. The timing is perfect because Gerry is in a phase where I can't be out of his sight!  Can you believe that these two don't always get along perfectly? I mean look at those faces! I've also had a few moments of inspired action. One night after I didn't catch Gerry quickly enough and he had hit his sister, an idea hit me. "Gerry, do you want Marisol to play with you?" "Yes!!" he cried, his face crumpling. Now, I suppose there are people out there who may think he just "latched on" to this as an easy out. I don't think so. For one, he doesn't fear punishment so has no reason to "get out" of anything. Also he's never been dishonest with me. Also, often after I ask him this, Marisol and he start chasing each other and laughing and playing together. Since that night we remember to ask him when he starts getting rough, "Do you want to play? Ask her!" And he does. Sometimes she doesn't want to play and then we work through that. So my method for dealing with his hitting has been this: 1) Prevention whenever possible by: a) meeting their needs as much as possible for food, rest, exercise, and connection (FREC - meet their FRECin' needs - just made that up!) and b) being with them or having them separated when desired or necessary.  Click on the picture to head over to my Facebook page! 2) If I can't prevent: Physically remove Gerry if needed, check in with Marisol and console her as needed, short reminders to Gerry about hitting. Also trying to understand why he hit - if he wants to play, if he's mad or sad, or wants something she has. I'm also working on listening and being with one or both of them as needed before trying to "move on". I've noticed that when I'm uncomfortable with their emotions I often try to distract them by changing the subject or suggesting something fun to do. I've been doing better lately at biting my tongue to allow them time to get whatever they need to out of them. 3) I choose to believe in the goodness of my son. I can't emphasize enough how important this is. I actually believe I would have handled this a lot differently if Gerry was my first child. Marisol didn't really go through a hitting, pushing, grabbing or any-kind-of-physical phase. Gerry is benefiting a lot from my experience as a parent: because I believe it's best to parent without punishment, it's not an option. And, because I know in my heart that Gerry is the same sweet boy he has always been, I have actually not been frustrated or upset with him at all. I'm kind of amazed by that. Other thoughts: Marisol never expects me to punish Gerry because she doesn't get punished. She has said things like, "I can't wait for our birthdays. For my birthday I want Gerry to grow out of his hitting phase." Gerry has started to verbalize things better. He's really learning how to say things instead of using his body to express what he needs. Not just about hitting, but other behaviors too. The other day he said, "I won't drab (grab!) that toy" when one of our friends was playing with something of his. Even in the midst of this "phase" Marisol and Gerry would have fun together daily, playing and laughing. When they aren't getting along we work through it - sometimes by giving each other space. I'd love to hear others' experiences with parenting without punishing. What have you found that works? Or if you have questions, please ask!  ***
Visit Living Peacefully with Children and Authentic Parenting to find out how you can participate in next month’s Authentic Parenting Blog Carnival, when we discuss self-love! Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants: (This list will be live and updated by afternoon April 26 with all the carnival links.)
Last week I posted this painting - it only took me a few minutes to create. One of our little friends loves to paint when she comes over to our house and I can't bear to let the paint go to waste.  Click on the picture to head over to my Facebook page. Explore, see if you like it, and if you do you can "like" it and join the party! But people really responded to this simple little painting and the message. One friend commented, "Love it! I wish all people could follow these directions, I don't understand why it's so difficult." I've been thinking about her comment ever since. Because I know that it is difficult to be kind sometimes. Why is it so difficult? Because we are all human. We all mess up sometimes. We all have needs that aren't always being met 100% of the time. We all have unique triggers - things that cause us to feel strong emotions. Sometimes we're exhausted or hungry, sometimes we see something that makes us really ANGRY. In these situations we may feel like we don't have the energy to be kind. Sometimes the kindest thing we can do is bite our tongue and take a few deep breaths until our boiling blood cools down. It's easy to get behind the message, "Just be kind" when we witness terrible events in the world - unfathomable acts committed that harm innocent people. What's difficult is being consistent in our day to day lives with people in our immediate environment. Sometimes the most difficult thing is to Be Kind to a family member that always seems to do things that go against our values. Perhaps our neighbor does something annoying that we can't understand. How kind are we to strangers we see at the grocery store or what thoughts do we have about other drivers on the highway? And of course - how do we show (or NOT show) kindness to our children every day? Be Kind may be a simple message but it is NOT an easy one. If it was we would have figured this stuff out already. So we keep trying. We keep challenging OURSELVES every day to be kinder. (And admit and forgive ourselves when we are not. The more I focus on this message the more I notice when I'm falling short. It's ok to admit we aren't perfect. Instead of beating ourselves up it's more important to make things right and learn from our mistakes.) So yes. Just. Be. Kind. Even - no ESPECIALLY - when we see others being Unkind. It is the only answer that makes sense.  This one took quite a lot longer. It was inspired by the brick and magnolia picture I took a few weeks ago on a walk. Be Kind.
Although some people may think it is so, Kindness is NOT weak. Kindness is strong. We can build kindness up - within us and out in the world - one small brick of kindness at a time. But just like a brick wall can be worn down byrain and wind, Kindness can be worn down by the elements of judgment and selfishness. Kindness is tender too. Like a seedling that needs sun and rain it will flourish if we protect it. Like a vine it will grow wildly and cover everything it touches. We can nourish our vines of kindness with mindfulness and compassion. Be Kind. Even - no ESPECIALLY - when it's difficult. Just. Be. Kind. ♥ ♥ ♥ In Hypnobabies our students learn to create and use a "Bubble of Peace" (BOP), to let only positive words, ideas, thoughts, and feelings in about birth - and to keep the negative away.  My logo - Full of Bubbles. In the form of a Peace sign. My wish for babies, parents, and the world. All wrapped in Bubbles. Click on the picture if you want to check out my business website - it's filled with more bubbles (and information about Hypnobabies of course!) One (of many) things that I adore about teaching Hypnobabies is that most of what I teach applies to everyday life - not just pregnancy and birth. After last week's madness in Boston, we could all use our Bubbles of Peace reinforced. My bubble is pretty big and beautiful. Unschooling creates another large, strong bubble around me and my family. Peaceful parenting adds another iridescent layer. Sometimes our bubbles get little pinholes (or large gashes) in them though and they start to deflate and let more rubbish in. Last night I read some really disturbing things that animals do to each other. Then right before bed I read some stories of humans doing unimaginable, hurtful things to one another (who am I kidding - we are animals too, we just like to put ourselves in a different category.) I thought about linking these stories here, but I don't want to spread those ugly vibes this morning when so many people are still reeling. Somehow I went to sleep last night - I attribute it to "Peace breathing" (yep, more Hypnobabies' awesomeness), deep breaths with some mantras to still my mind, and, oh yeah, it was really late by the time my kiddos fell asleep so I was tired! But this morning Marisol sat up in bed and said she had a bad dream, and the first thing I thought of were those sad stories. And I wondered if I had given off bad energy that affected her. I literally woke up feeling sick to my stomach. So I worked (again) on shifting my thoughts to the positive. I know some people think that living in a "bubble" is unrealistic or even wrong. I disagree. Because choosing to focus on the good in the world doesn't mean that we are denying the bad. We already know that bad things happen. But focusing on sad, horrible, awful events does not make us or the world better. And more importantly the good IS REAL too! I've written before about whether Hypnobabies is realistic - and I think that this same message applies to life in general. We will not make the world a more beautiful, loving, peaceful place by dwelling on things that are not. It's up to us to choose differently. Because you know what? The majority of the "bad things" that happen are created BY US. Yes, there are the inexplicable accidents and illnesses, but most of our suffering is self-made. So please, reinforce your bubbles today! See the good so you can be the good.  The mug I had my coffee in this morning - an active reminder, "Life is Good!" Also reminds me of the amazing friend who gave it to me. And the band-aid reminds me of my sweet daughter. I woke up NEEDING to write this morning. Now the only things I plan on doing are cleaning and connecting with my family. Sounds like a good Saturday and way to mend my bubble. I'll end with one of my favorite quotes that is making the rounds lately - spread by hopeful people all over the world:
“Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let the pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place.” - Kurt Vonnegut Sending you all so much love and peace today. I'm on week three of starting a new habit: waking early several mornings a week to walk, before the kids wake up and Mike leaves for work. The first week was awesome. Monday April 1st I woke up and it was barely light when I headed out. Mother nature decided to make this morning extra magical for me by shrouding our neighborhood in a misty fog. Even the moon was out to cheer me on. It was so wonderful. Twice more that week I rose with the sun and got my walk on. My favorite part of this new ritual is stepping outside into the fresh, cool, morning air and being greeted by the joyful sound of birds singing. A friend even joined me one day - what a great way to start the day! Spring finally has sprung around here and the trees were showing off too.  Week 2 Life decided to throw some challenges at me. Monday went off without a hitch, but Wednesday Gerry woke around 4 am and didn't go back to sleep. I tried convincing him to join me in the stroller for a walk as the sun peeked up over the horizon, but he wasn't going for it. I was exhausted, so I didn't push it. The good news - my parents were coming through town that day. That evening the kids, my parents, and I went on a walk and climbed the stairs at the Masonic Temple which is a couple blocks away from our house. The view at night was so beautiful and the kids loved climbing the steps. On Thursday we went downtown to go to the Natural History museum (Gerry had been wanting to go to "our dinosaur museum" since watching an episode of Team UmiZoomi that has dinosaurs ;-) and we saw the blossoms. Lots of walking done that day too! So I still got 3 good walks in that week even though only one was in the morning. I also walked to Mike's work after my last Hypnobabies class on Saturday - so that's 4!  My parents have a lucky streak - they came through town just at the blossoms' peak! Sunday night I had that feeling in my head, "ugh, do I really want to get up early tomorrow?" That made me laugh at myself - it's so easy to get off track! So I reminded myself how amazing I felt the last two weeks and how much I enjoy walking as soon as I'm out. One of my favorite blogs, Zen Habits written by Leo Babauta, talks about how to change our lives and make things regular habits. One idea that helps is going "public" with your intentions - with your family or friends, or even on your blog or social media. Once you know that others know you said you are doing something, you are much more likely to do it! I've definitely found this to be true. I know that there is something magical about "21 days" too - I'm not sure how this will apply to me since this isn't something I'm aiming to do every day, but I know that the longer I do it the more deeply ingrained in my every day life it will be. Leo's recent post, The 38 Best Methods of Successful Exercisers, has been really helpful to me too. So many people said that they schedule their exercise into their lives and it just is NOT an option to miss it - only a TRUE emergency keeps them from keeping their habit up. Remembering this has helped me keep on when I feel a bit tired the night before. The cool thing is that I've been waking up before my alarm on most mornings that I plan to walk. Here are some pictures of today's walk. I decided to head over to the temple again and do some stairs to get my blood pumping.     Phew! Four times up and down these is enough to feel the burn and wobble in my legs.  View of Old Town Alexandria from the top  From up here you can see the Washington Monument and the US Capitol. It's a stretch in this picture - much clearer in person!  The sneaks I bought last summer - finally getting a regular workout!  Some of the beauty I get to connect with on my early morning walks. I love it here in the Spring! If there was a soundtrack to put to this post it would be birds singing. I decided to take a little video while I walked to capture some of the early morning sounds. I just happened to capture two crows squawking at this cat! Haha, not exactly the most beautiful sound, but it was kind of funny. (btw - do you have an opinion on keeping cats in the house? The past couple of years I've heard several people voice the opinion that cats should NOT be let outside because of how many birds they kill. My first reaction is, huh?? I think most carnivores kill other animals and I don't see how cooping cats up inside is fair or the answer. But maybe I'm missing something?) This new habit has been a long time in the making. I've wanted to get back into some kind of routine for a while now, but have struggled to find a way that works for our whole family. Right now turned out to be the perfect time. Gerry recently started sleeping from roughly 7:30 pm to 7 am or so. So I knew that getting up around 6:30 am wouldn't disrupt any of our sleep too much. Even so it's been a bit of an adjustment, but the benefits are so worth it! With Spring, more light, and nicer weather, it's been a great new beginning. I feel energized and accomplished now by the time that I used to be just rolling out of bed. Keeping it to every other day has been smart though, so we don't get too tired or sleep-deprived.
My other inspiration is the book, The Blue Zones. I plan on writing more about it in the future, but I really am thinking of walking and exercising as a life habit - something that becomes as natural and essential to me as eating or breathing. Ideally it is something that I will do every day eventually, even more than once. Have you started any new habits lately? Has spring inspired any fresh starts for you? What helps you stay on track? This thought has been in my mind for a while. And the longer it sits the more I know it is true: My choices about how to parent my kids are more about me than they will ever be about them. This may sound wrong. It may come off as selfish. But it is the truth. How many times have we heard how "resilient" kids are? How they can adapt to so many different situations, environments, and people? How about people that like to say, "well I was parented in x, y, or z manner, and *I* turned out 'fine'!" How important is it that we really think about this parenting stuff? I mean why stress about it too much if they are probably going to more or less turn out ok - regardless of my specific parenting philosophy? There is some merit in this line of thinking - it is good to keep perspective. When I was a teacher and things were getting heavy, I had to remind myself not to take myself too seriously. I wasn't responsible for saving the world or single-handedly turning my students' lives around. There are so many factors that contribute to life. So the bottom line is that we do our best. That's it. This is how I came to the conclusion that my parenting is really all about me. What kind of person *I* am in this moment. What kind of person I aspire to be in my best moments. Now, when I say "do our best" this is no small thing. Doing our best means dedicating ourselves to always improving ourselves. To being the best example we can be. To finding ways to be present and loving every day. To improving our communication skills with our loved ones. To apologizing when we fall short. Because we will fall short. But that is to be expected, because doing our best will never mean that we are perfect. So the question is, what are you going to do when faced with the inevitable? What kind of human being are you going to *choose* to be? Our focus has to shift. Instead of defining our parenting by what our children are doing, we need to define it by what *we* are doing. When we raise the standards for ourselves, our children will naturally rise with us. This is how we will change the world together. This is how a new way will be defined. This is how peace will begin to spread from one mama and papa at a time to their children, and then outwards through the world.  Children's firsts are so magical. When they are really little babies we try to record all of them in baby books, journals, blogs, or even on Facebook to share the excitement and also so we'll remember the moment for many years to come. One of my favorite firsts was the night that Gerry started walking independently. He was so excited that he was waving his arms and laughing the entire time. He was just absolutely thrilled to be walking! I also remember Marisol balancing (standing without holding anything) on our back patio in our first house up in NY before she started taking steps. I remember first smiles - gazing for long minutes into each others' eyes - first laughs, babbles, rolls, and many others. There really is nothing like a first time. What I've realized that I love about unschooling is that the magic doesn't have to stop and I get to keep witnessing it! I very clearly remember the first time Marisol asked for a pencil. She followed that request up with one for paper. I had no idea what she was doing (Marisol didn't even like to color or draw when she was very little because she was too much of a perfectionist.) While I watched, she gripped the pencil, her face intent with concentration and hand poised above the paper. I realized with astonishment that she was going to write something. And sure enough after a short pause to gather her thoughts she placed the pencil to the paper and wrote her first letter (I think it was an "H", maybe??). I had never tried to get her to write before that day. (I can't remember now if this was when she was 3 or 4 years old. But her age doesn't even matter - it was magical regardless.)  More of her first written words Last summer Marisol had a fever and a friend brought a little get-well gift for her - an early reader book based on the movie Brave. I read it through to her once as we lay in bed together, and then she said, "Let me try." Then she proceeded to read most of the book to me. Magical.  I love the title, "A Mother's Love" - how appropriate! But learning is so much more than just reading and writing. Learning is everywhere and in everything. It is the first time Marisol swam all the way across the pool last summer without any "floaties" so that she could take her first jump off the diving board that same day. It is all physical activities - like doing the monkey bars on your own for the first time (last summer) or riding a bike without training wheels (a skill still in our future). Learning is trying a new food for the first time. Some of the most important and deep learning is about relationships and spirituality, like working through the first time you hurt a friend's feelings (yes, I remember Marisol's experience of this). It is grappling with the idea of death and heaven and what happens to your spirit (a recent theme for my 6 year old girl).  A few captured magical moments in our lives... I have totally embraced Unschooling and truly believe that all children are "wired" to learn. It's easy to see when they are babies, but many of us lose our trust in the process as they get older. Also most people are separated from their children for large stretches of time so they don't get to witness many of the "light bulb" moments. So, even though my mind believes in my childrens' abilities, my heart sometimes need some validation. And every time one of my children does something for the first time, completely of their own volition, my heart leaps and then pumps joy to every cell in my body. Each time this happens the truth: that children will learn all they need to, in their own time - becomes etched a little deeper in my bones. And this is where the magic lies - not so much in the "firstness" of each new skill or idea, but in the fact that they completely own these moments. Yes, I encourage, show, demonstrate, support, offer help, give tips or feedback (if they are desired), but I can honestly say I have not "taught" my children one thing. And this fact amazes me every time.
This magic takes all the competition out of learning. Just like it doesn't really matter whether our babies walked at 9 months or 18 months (once they walk... well, they walk!), it matters little at what age my daughter finally rides her bike or becomes a fluent reader. I know that she will do these things when she's ready, and she will do them joyfully. Also, things that she did early (like waking with math problems on her lips) don't make her better or brighter than other children her age who are more interested in other things than numbers. Embracing your children for exactly who they are at this moment is truly magic all by itself. It will transform your life and your relationships. I know that not everyone is able to homeschool or desires to unschool. I share because I want people to know what magic is possible. Because other people shared their lives, my mind was opened to a whole new world. This is my desire - to offer parents that same opportunity. Words really can't do justice to what I'm trying to describe here (maybe words can never capture magic), but they will have to do. I hope that mine inspire someone, someday, somewhere, to allow this magic into their lives. |
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