August 12th, 2014
Have you ever felt like you wanted some else's life?
Not because yours is so awful, No.
Because your life is great and you still don't appreciate it...
Because you still can't get it right...
It's the most terrible kind of self-hate - You are not worthy.
One day you realize all the positive thinking in the world won't save you from these days... That maybe it's you who's broken.
And you don't believe in guilt anymore
So you don't feel guilty... not at all.
But you can't muster happy and you are scrounging for grateful.
So you mostly feel numb...
So you eat (and eat) and try to keep everyone fed, and sit a lot - on the couch, in the yard, at the playground in the sun.
And somehow you get through the day.
I wrote this a few months ago in my journal and found it recently when I was skimming through it. It seems the entire world is full of sadness right now because of Robin William's death, and so it seemed an appropriate time to share.
These past few weeks I'm beginning to appreciate that my personality is such that I will always have very high highs and very low lows. Marisol seems to have inherited this trait (hence the many "This is the BEST (or) WORST day ever!" proclamations - sometimes on the same day!) And just like Marisol I am astounded to see how quickly I can descend from the highest mountain of joy down into a valley of despair. It can literally happen overnight. And even as I observe it happening, I cannot stop it.
It is helping to realize that this is me and I love myself as I am. It is helping to remind myself that I always come up out of the pit. It is helping to remember things that help.
I don't pretend to know what other people feel or that I can understand the suffering that drives a person to suicide. But I can understand sadness and loneliness. I think we all can. And I see many connected threads on topics that may not seem to have anything to do with depression, like (the perception and labeling of) laziness, and "busy"ness, and how all of these things may relate to happiness. And of course we can't forget connection and community. I'm too tired to put it all together for you here in a coherent way, but maybe some of you might know what I mean anyway.
I'm seeing more all the time how much the little things matter - Like taking the dog on a walk or reading a book with my child. I'm noticing what I need to do for myself when I sense that I am not feeling at my best. It's not always easy. Life is so unbearably bittersweet. I guess for some it finally becomes too overwhelming.
Wife, mom, information and peace seeker.