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This is a public service announcement. Adults and parents everywhere are being advised that your children *will* get upset, say unkind things, act in ways (that you consider) unreasonable, want attention from you when you are either unable or unwilling to give it, and do many other things that is generally considered "poor" behavior - and (this is the important part) - they will do this REGARDLESS OF YOUR PARENTING STYLE.
Yep, you heard me right. (And you heard it here first! Right?!) It doesn't matter if you are an attachment parent, an authoritarian dictator, a spineless pushover, or 2012's Super-Mom of the year - you will have to deal with behavior that is unpleasant and (seemingly) undesirable. So the question is, what are you going to do when faced with the inevitable? What kind of human being are you going to *choose* to be? Are you going to get out of your comfort zone and try something new, radical, and different? Or are you going to do what everyone else does, what was done to you when you were a child, what you think you "should" do? I keep hearing people say that "parenting today is what's wrong with the world" and that "children today have no discipline" and on and on. What if when our children struggle they were met with true love and compassion and actually LISTENED to? What lessons would they learn? How would they react when others were having a hard time - if that is what they experienced? What if when our children behave in a way that makes us angry or uncomfortable or is just plain inconvenient, *we* are the ones who actually need to learn a lesson and change our behavior? FYI - punishment isn't working. If it was we would have solved these issues by now. But maybe these issues aren't "problems" and maybe they don't need to be "solved". Maybe these are all learning opportunities and when we try to open our hearts, even as we feel them contracting, we will learn even more than our children. Listen, I get it. It's HARD sometimes to do the loving thing. We get annoyed, and have needs and feelings too. But we are the adults and so we must commit ourselves to acting as such. And when we make mistakes or behave poorly ourselves then we admit it and try to do better. That's what children are here to do. To be children and to show us how we can be better. The answer is always love. It always has been and always will be. We all know it deep down inside too. Stop being scared - scared of the future and what your child *might* be tomorrow. Start loving the person they are in front of you RIGHT NOW. I promise you won't regret it.
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There is a fairly well accepted myth that small children do not have long attention spans. Over the years I have come to see that there is just no truth to this idea - and indeed the opposite is often more true - the adults in children's lives are the ones that have limited attention spans.
Even very small children will show you time and again that they actually have remarkable abilities to focus and stick with an activity for extended periods of time. Let me give you a few examples that I'm sure most parents of small children can relate to: bubbles, crawling up and down stairs, reading a story over and over again, watching a TV show over and over again, listening to their favorite song over and over again (anyone see a theme emerging here?) So the question is, why does this myth exist? Well there are a couple of things that *are* true about children. One is that there is no stigma for them to move on once they are finished with something. When they are ready they move on, whether they feel like they "got there money's worth" or not. Also they do not feel compelled to pay attention to things that *do not hold there attention*. If something does not interest them or is just plain boring they have no problem shifting their energy elsewhere. Onto adults, many of whom feel this myth is true about children. I would like to ask you - how many times is your child engaged in something and really, REALLY wants to keep going? (Just one more time mom!) How many times have you been playing with your young child and are already mentally drifting towards the next thing *you* want to do? How many times have you tried to convince your child to move on (ie you're at a museum and they just want to stay at one exhibit or you're at the park and want to go home)? So who has the short attention span now, huh? (To be clear, I'm only really in touch with all of these examples because I have been guilty of all of them!) So often we miss the things that captivate our children because *we* are too busy pushing forward. Another thing many adults do is minimize or even disparage things that their children children love. Why is it that when children are watching a television program we say they are mesmerized or zombies? Why don't we look at them and think, "Wow, they are so focused! They are really into this program!" If a parent walked into a classroom and saw that same intent expression on their child they would be proud. Or what about reading? I am one of those people that gets so into a book that I hear nothing. Most parents would think this quality is endearing, because after-all, the child is *reading* and this is a socially acceptable, "worthy" activity. When we try to talk to our child while they are watching a show (aka INTERRUPTING!) we are doing a few things: 1) being rude 2) telling them that what they are doing is not important and 3) failing to recognize THEY ARE PAYING VERY CLOSE ATTENTION TO SOMETHING! Based on my observations I recommend a couple of things to parents and adults everywhere: 1) work on your own attention span and 2) *pay attention* to all the amazing things that are already captivating children every day. In my very humble and loving opinion, children are not the ones who need help paying attention. Love Is Something
Love is something if you give it away, Give it away, give it away. Love is something if you give it away, You end up having more. It's just like a magic penny, Hold it tight and you won't have any. Lend it, spend it, and you'll have so many They'll roll all over the floor. For love is something if you give it away, Give it away, give it away. Love is something if you give it away, You end up having more. Money's dandy and we like to use it,1 But love is better if you don't refuse it. It's a treasure and you'll never lose it Unless you lock up your door. For love is something if you give it away, Give it away, give it away. Love is something if you give it away, You end up having more. So let's go dancing till the break of day, And if there's a piper, we can pay. For love is something if you give it away, You end up having more. For love is something if you give it away, Give it away, give it away. Love is something if you give it away, You end up having more. Malvina Reynolds: Song Lyrics and Poems Magic PennyNotes: words and music by Malvina Reynolds; copyright 1955 and 1958 Northern Music Corporation, renewed 1986. a.k.a. "Love Is Something." Despite the later copyright dates, this song was actually written while Malvina's daughter was at a junior high school dance, so around 1949. Have you ever heard the general wisdom to not look at what a toddler eats in one day, but rather what they eat over a longer stretch, like a week? This is to reassure parents who feel like all their children want is one particular food or eat sweets nonstop. Usually you will be reassured when you see that they are getting a variety of foods and nutrients through their diet after tracking what they eat for a few days in a row, rather than focusing on one particular day.
This is how I feel about my life as a parent. It is so easy to fluctuate between the extremes of "Super-mommy!" and "super-TERRIBLE-mommy". For example, last weekend we threw Marisol a pretty awesome party for her 6th Birthday. In preparation we (and by we, I mostly mean *I*) painted two life-sized (well Marisol-sized) mermaids and an Atlantis-castle-under-the-sea mural. This took a few weeks. The party was a hit - we played pin the starfish on the mermaid's hair (everyone got a prize) and had mermaid trivia (that Marisol made up herself). So that was a pretty "Super-mommy" moment. A neighborhood friend recently commented that I always seem to have a lot of energy. I laughed and said that's because that's when you see me - which is very true - the neighbors don't see me when I'm home curled up on the couch! This week I'm tired. Life has just been pretty hectic lately. Oh yeah, and I got my period again. So yesterday I just felt like a LUMP. It is so easy to let my mind go to thoughts of what a horrible mom I am - all Gerry does is eat candy, and Marisol is bored from sitting home and watching lots of TV. But instead I gave myself permission to rest without feeling guilty. I recognized that I am human too, with physical, spiritual, and emotional needs and remembered all of the amazing opportunities and experiences that I regularly facilitate for my children. Then I lay down on the couch. Later we made it to the pool and Marisol played with a friend for an hour, splashing around and practicing her new swimming skills. Today was slightly better - we managed to play, clean, have a playdate and get outside this evening. A week from Tuesday we are flying up to NY to visit with family. I know it is going to be a jam-packed, fun-filled couple of weeks. So I'm trying to remember that life's balance is kind of like looking at a toddler's diet - sometimes we have to step back to see that every moment has its place and feeds our life in different ways - the busy times and the quiet times, the tired times and the super-inspired energetic times. Instead of fighting how you feel in any given moment relax into it. Embrace everything and love yourself. Meet your needs and those around you the best you can. Know that when you do, you and your life will naturally flow on to its next state, whatever that may be. I recently bought a new pair of sunglasses since my cool pair of aviator sunglasses broke. These are not your average sunglasses. Oh no, I bought me some heart-shaped sun glasses. What I really loved about them is the colors and pattern which is not very clear in this picture. But it is a really bright floral pattern, with beautiful colors. I hesitated a little to buy heart-shaped sun glasses from the junior section, but you know who encouraged me? Yep, Miss Marisol. Plus I figured, why should only kids get to wear cool, funky, fun-shaped sunglasses? And if I make someone smile and lighten up - bonus!
The first weekend I wore them I felt pretty self-conscious. Luckily I was with one of my favorite people and friends, so we were able to talk and laugh about them. I've definitely had a few people not recognize me at first - probably thinking I was a teen or something like that. But after a week or so I noticed that most people didn't say ANYTHING about my sunglasses. And that actually made me feel more uncomfortable. Remember the "Nonexistent" Facebook type? It was kind of like that - when people are silent we are left to wonder what they are thinking. I usually guess that they think I'm a little "off". (But do I really know that? Of course not!) Have you ever felt like you were actively trying to get someone to *see* you? Like you were jumping up and down, waving a brightly colored flag and yelling at the top of your lungs, "Over here! Look at me! Look at me! PLEASE, just look at me!" Only to be ignored. Oh yes, I've felt that way. I realized my sunglasses were like an analogy to this feeling. The sunglasses were my flag and most people were looking the other way. But just this past week, after a weekend of no electricity in our home and being nomads for two days, I noticed that I was wearing my sunglasses with ease. It felt so nice! I was tired but happy and just felt like... myself. I wasn't worried about what anyone thought about my sunglasses. Actually, for a brief span of time I forgot about them completely. This is the healthy side of "not caring", of truly shining your own beautiful self for the whole wide world to see - heart-shaped sunglasses and all. |
Susan MayWife, mom, information and peace seeker. Categories
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November 2023
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