DISBELIEF, GRIEF AND RELIEF

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For the past 15 months, usually when I wake up it is with excitement and a whirlwind of ideas circling my brain - even if it happens to be 2 or 3 am! 

But there have been a handful of times where I wake and just feel my heart breaking - literally. I can feel the pain in my chest and tears slowly well up and leak out of my eyes onto my pillow. It's not heavy weeping - no, I've done that for years and haven't needed that huge amount of release lately. It's just a deep, aching sadness that needs to be let out so it can pass through me. Let me explain more:

The past couple of weeks I've dipped my toes back into "what's going on." I feel like I'm looking around in shock... it's all happening as predicted. It feels surreal and it's hard not to feel disbelief. It's crazy. The death, injury, illness... I know for someone who hasn't been paying attention to the same things, I sound crazy. Even someone who is paying more attention, but newly "awakening" - probably thinks it's dramatic to describe this as massive amounts of death and destruction. But is it?

I remember reading a book as a teenager. A rabbi was weeping for his people. I can relate. Oh humanity. Why? 

In 2019 I wept for a friend who would not be persuaded. In 2021 I wept for the masses, especially friends and family who would not be persuaded. 

I have wept. So now the tears are slower. They well up and squeeze out slowly, one at a time. They usually only come in the middle of the night when I cannot fall back asleep. Oh humanity. 

I do not usually use the word "regret" to describe what I feel. I aim to live so authentically that there is very little room for regret. But when I look back on the past two years I regret not convincing more people to "pass" on the you-know-what. Even though I know I did my best for years to be open and share what I learned. Even though I did convince my most inner circle, and for that I am overflowing with gratitude. Even though I know intellectually that it isn't my job to "convince" others and that it is very difficult, almost impossible to do... Still, I wonder: Could I have tried harder? Could I have done things differently? Could I have been stronger? Braver? Had thicker skin? Cared less about what others thought? 

But here's what I know: Regret of the past and worry of the future do little to help TODAY. So I don't allow myself to stay here long.

I breathe deep and let the tears flow. I allow the feelings to pass. I feel the ache in my heart ease. Slowly, my brain returns to a slower state and I sleep again. 

In the morning I am ready for a new day. Grief has passed and there is so much to do! Thank you sweet relief.