|
Sometimes I feel so tired. (Right now I'm tired because it's 4 am, but that's another story.) I'm talking about a different kind of tired - a weariness. This week I'm feeling this weariness - but it's not in a bad or depressed way - it just is. In fact, sometimes when I'm tired (like this week) I'm actually more present and making better choices - more in line with my true values. This fatigue stems from years of thinking and reading. Sometimes I realize, "Man, I don't want to research every little decision I make!" I don't want to think about all the chemicals in our food, fillings for our teeth, whether I'm an optimist or pessimist and what that means, organic bed mattresses, what words I use, how what I'm doing might impact my child years from now - and on and on. I just want things to be easy - for someone (anyone!) to give me the answers that no one can. Unfortunately, that is not the world we live in presently. Things have gotten complicated. We are disconnected - from nature, from our own biological instincts, and from each other. We have more "choice" than we ever have had in our evolutionary history, but many (most?) of the choices are unhealthy for us and the earth to some degree. There is an upside to the way things have unfolded. We have a lot of free time to do things that we enjoy. We can see a lot of the world in a short time. We can keep in touch and meet new people oceans away. Many of these new developments boil down to two things: convenience and comfort. I dig both of these things. Convenience and Comfort make life enjoyable. But life often feels ironic and like one big contradiction when you are trying to get back in touch with all that you are disconnected from. Many decisions based on convenience and comfort are not ideal (fast food, SUVs, Lysol sprays come to mind). With TV, more sitting (at the office and on the couch), food in the fridge, lots of "free time", and way more choices, Life is both "easier" and messier every day. In this tired state I find myself yearning for simplicity and times of the past (loooooong past - I'm not talking the good old 1950s here or even the 1800s, I'm talking about our evolutionary past when we lived on the plains and were one with the earth.) 
A little humor never hurt!
Of course, if I actually got my wish and was transported back in time I'm fairly certain that I wouldn't be all that happy. (I probably would barely survive a day - getting eaten by a lion - oh wait, I did learn that lions might leave me alone usually, and maybe I'd be lucky enough to land in a tribe that would care for me. But, I'd probably be a whiner and my body much too soft... hmm... well I guess I'll try to be optimistic and say that maybe I'd eventually adapt! I'd sure miss "America's Got Talent" though! And pillow-top mattresses. And air conditioning.) As a new mom, articles, Facebook pages, and blogs about why "African Babies Don't Cry" have always had a certain appeal me. I believe in babies' biological drive to be held, to breastfeed on demand, to sleep close to parents and to generally get their needs met. I also believe that most parents possess instincts (although sometimes buried) to meet these needs. But I also know this phrase "African babies don't cry" is very misleading and even harmful to modern parents and babies. When Marisol was a baby if she wasn't happy I felt some pressure - *why* was she crying if I did everything "right"? (Oh, I had a long ways to go!) I think that maybe this is why many parents are turned off by Attachment parenting - it's too much pressure to be perfect and do things "right" (even though at it's heart, that's NOT what it is at all.) But these two societies - the one we evolved in and the "civilized" world many of us presently inhabit - are extremely different. So making any comparison is like comparing Apples and Oranges. Our world is fast-moving with gas powered engines, high speed trains, and planes in the sky. In our world we live in multi-storied homes not a simple shelter in the wide-open plains. In our world we go to the grocery store to hunt and gather. If we run out of time to make dinner we can throw something in the microwave or order a pizza. Babies are going to cry in our world sometimes (I hear my mom and dad's voices ringing in my ears as I type this) - in their car-seats or carriers (or -gasp!- strollers), when their mamma goes to a movie and they are safely held in their Aunt's or Grandma's arms, when they poop in their diaper (disposable or not). I'm not saying that I've changed my philosophy or what I believe in at all. I still believe Attachment Parenting is best - by meeting everyone's needs in ways our bodies and spirits are made for - and that by doing so we will largely be happier and more connected. BUT I'm also saying that it's not always as simple as we sometimes think. And that because it's complicated, our best response is always Love. I'm saying that we need to be soft with ourselves and others when we are trying to figure out this modern parenting gig, because "figuring out" the answers does not mean perfection - no parenting path will make us immune from meltdowns or sleep deprivation. So much of what we do is as a protective measure, limiting screen time, eating organic, wishing for simpler times and choices. We've seen the HUGE changes that have occurred and are happening before our eyes, and we KNOW this has to have an impact. So we retreat into fear. We think we can stop things from changing and even go back in time. It is so tempting to think that if we could go back - to less stuff and living closer to the earth and in tribes, things would be better - easier. And there are thing we can learn from the past - about how we parented, how we nourished our bodies, how we lived and thrived. But the truth is, in most present situations, thinking, "What would a Hunter-gatherer do?" is hardly relevant. They wouldn't know WHAT to do in our world because they wouldn't ever have deal with most of our situations (like Toys R' Us meltdowns and refined white sugar). They would probably be so confused and scared in our modern world that they would be worse off than we would be in theirs! (I take comfort in this thought, and mostly think "WWAH-GD?" to remind myself to slow down, be present, and respond from a place of love.) 
A reminder to myself. Image courtesy of Idea go at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Our challenge is NOT to return to the days of our past (whether that be the '50s, the 1800s, or the days of Hunting-gathering). Our challenge is to simplify NOW. How? By prioritizing what is important RIGHT NOW and letting a lot of the other stuff go. By living by Principles NOT Rules (because it's human nature to break the rules). By recognizing the contradictions in our life and embracing them (like wanting the best for our earth and future and loving electricity, for instance). We may have a strong desire for simplicity while our kids want every new toy they come across and THAT is our present reality. We may have big dreams of being catalysts of changes (that look like "going back"), but the most transformative changes will use our past and present strengths. Simplifying today may look like less time on Facebook and more time playing "TV-tag".
Yes, I'm tired, but in a good way. I know all of the reading and analyzing and thinking and debating was worth it - it's all part of me. But I'm more ready than ever to think a lot less about everything and just BE. Right here, right now - with the people who mean most to me.
0 Comments
I've noticed we humans sometimes have a tendency to get stuck in "either/or" thinking. Thinking "either this or that" is very limiting. Children either eat healthy or they eat crap. They are either respectful or out of control. Parents are either Authoritative (the "good kind" of parenting) or permissive. They are either involved or completely clueless. These black and white thoughts are rarely true. And they don't lend themselves to thinking outside the box or creative problem solving - both useful skills. One example that sticks out for me is the dichotomy that people like to put on "screen time" and playing outside. "Kids shouldn't be watching so much TV because they should be outside playing!" Recently we were outside playing with all our neighborhood friends. I saw that a bunch were all huddled around my daughter, sitting cozily on a blanket under a tree. Most of the other moms were across the park chatting. I smiled inwardly. I knew that the kids were watching something on my iPhone. When we all converged we all laughed because the other moms thought that they were all coloring and getting along so well. Last summer Marisol and I watched a movie after dark out in the park. We brought our comforter out and cuddled under the stars. It was really nice. It was her idea and I resisted at first, but I was glad that I followed her lead. Embracing technology - TV, computers, laptops, iPhones and iPads, and every other gadget out there doesn't mean that kids need to miss out on Nature and the Great Outdoors. And when kids aren't limited they will combine them in wonderful, new ways that will surprise you. That's right I said when kids are NOT limited at all. As in - no limits. I know most people are probably thinking, "What?!? Of course we need to limit "screen time" - all of the studies, scientists, Doctors, and parents say it." Well, I'm getting kind of tired and I have a lot to say on this, so I'm going to try and give you a lot in as few words as possible. First read this article called, Economics of Restricting TV Watching of Children by Pam Sorooshian. It is a must read. You just can't argue with the logic presented - if you want to keep a kid wanting something REALLY BADLY, then limit them. If, on the other hand, you are looking for healthy relationships - both with you and whatever it is that you are thinking of limiting (because this works for anything, TV, Candy, etc) - you might want to consider a different route. Second, I get it - where you are coming from, I mean. I really do. I did a COMPLETE 180 on TV and screen time in the year leading up to Marisol's second birthday. The year I started reading about unschooling. Before discovering unschooling, I had read a book about how dangerous television is to babies and toddlers and how it alters their brains (which it probably does... I'm just not convinced anymore of the "danger" that is involved). I was really careful about not letting Marisol and the little boy I took care of watch what I thought was too much. Then I discovered these radical people that talked about not putting artificial limits on... well, on anything. And you know what? It was kind of a relief. Because watching TV is something that Mike and I enjoy - and it's kind of hypocritical to tell the little people in our life that we can, but they can't.  3-year old Marisol watching a show while I was in my "Birthing Time" with Gerry! Her final moments as an "only" child ;-) But, I'm not saying it's always easy. It's tough letting go of ideas that have long been planted in your head. It's difficult when you're doing things differently from "everyone else". There's an awesome analogy here about how we all have different "balloons" that we hold onto. TV is one of my balloons. I'm just really good at pretending that I've let go - so good at pretending that my kids don't even know I'm holding onto it. They can watch what they want and when they want - and they usually do. Of course there are times when we "need" to be somewhere - dance class, or the airport to pick grandma up, etc. Or there are times when we negotiate who is using the "Big" TV (Gerry has been getting the most use lately - 3 year olds seem to love their TV shows extra passionately! But we have iPhones, computers, and laptops too - so there are more than enough screens to go around!) I will also say that there are times when I've felt guilty about how much they watch. There are two kinds of guilt - the kind that I listen to because it's telling me, "you and the kids are a little disconnected and you need to be more proactive", and then there is the kind that I should tell to go jump in a lake. That kind of guilt is from the little voice in my head that has been programmed to tell me that they need to stop, JUST BECAUSE. In any case, the main way I deal with either kind of guilt (because I strongly believe that NOT limiting them is the best, most respectful and logical thing to do) is by reconnecting. Sometimes that means sitting and watching with them. Sometimes it means asking if they want to go outside with me, play a game together, or some other activity (while accepting that if they don't want to, that's ok!) Sometimes *I* just need to get busy myself - off the computer, and into something more active - there is always plenty to do around here (and often they will join in - because they like doing things with me)! Sometimes I bring them food because I know that they are needing a snack. This is one decision that I am absolutely sure of, there are no doubts for me. First of all, I can see the benefits of them watching or interacting (if it's computer or some other type of game). The amount of enjoyment and LEARNING they get from "screen time" is immeasurable. (Marisol often says a math concept or word that I didn't even know she knew - thank you Cyber Chase!) More importantly, I can see how vibrant, healthy, and active both of them are. They love to go outside, run with their friends, ride bikes, dig in the dirt, go swimming, catch fireflies, climb trees, and tons of other things. And they also love watching TV and playing computer games. I can look at them directly, without any fear, and see that they are whole and that our relationship is remaining intact because I respect the things they love and support choices they make. I've also had the huge benefit of seeing how my daughter has grown and matured without having any limits placed on her. She LOVED her shows so much when she was smaller and watched a lot. She still watches a lot now too, but she easily decides when she would rather be outside or playing with a friend - and in fact now she prefers that our TV not be on when friends come over because she wants them to play with her, not watch TV! I had more doubts when she was little and would watch for hours, about whether we were making the right choice. I relied a lot on others' experiences and what they shared. (Read here for more reassurance). Now that Gerry is in a similar state of TV-infatuation, I feel confident that we are doing the right thing by respecting his love for Max and Ruby. It's very rare that something has to be EITHER/OR. More often than not, it is so much better than "either/or" could ever be.  Watching "Brave" outside by our pool at our hotel when we went to Disney World. So fun! "Life has no meaning. Each of us has meaning and we bring it to life. It is a waste to be asking the question when you are the answer." Jospeh Campbell Quite some time ago I read two articles that I rather enjoyed. But there was a line in each of them that jumped out at me. Here they are, in no particular order: "But then, none of us have any idea what we’re doing" and "but anyone that implies that they have it figured out is either drunk or lying (or both), so don't be too hard on yourself." Both articles are about parenting. Overall, I found both articles compelling in their own way (click on either quote to read them in full). I agreed with many points in each (although one was a little too "doomsday" for my personal taste). But I got to thinking, "Hey! I do have an idea of what I'm doing and I feel like I *have* figured some important things out! (and I don't think I'm drunk either). So I'm going to give it a shot and lay it all out here - everything that I've got figured out.  This is the #1 most important thing that I figured out - that NO ONE can give me "The Answers" to all the tough questions that come up in life and in parenting. I have to figure it out myself (with the help of some really important people - my husband and kids for instance!) This is a really tough lesson to learn in our culture. We are raised in a culture and a school system that puts a very high value on doing things the "right" way, and often there is only a very narrow definition of what that might be. For someone like me, who really excelled in this system, it is very difficult to let go of the idea that there isn't some "expert", system, or handbook "out there" that will lead to the promise-land of perfect parenting. I suspect that it's difficult for many people, not just the ones who excelled, because we've been conditioned to expect that there are "right answers" to all problems. Once you realize that you are kind of "on your own" it's important to figure out some other BIG things. Like what is going to guide you. Peace was my first big guidepost. It was something that I sought and wanted to cultivate in my life. Right on Peace's heels came kindness, compassion, and love. Holding these three tight keeps Peace close by too. So, I know that no one can give me the answers AND I know what values I want to permeate my life. Sounds pretty simple. But we all know that parenting isn't simple - if it was statements like those above wouldn't ring true for so many people. Some of you may shaking your heads now, thinking, "Man, I thought she was going to give me the ANSWER! She tricked me with that title!" It's true, I don't have the answer to how to make kids do what we want them to do, or to ensure that they grow up to be happy and successful. But I think that those "goals" are missing the mark, so stick around, I promise it's worth it. With my #1 and my Big 3 + Peace in place, here's what I've got figured out: 1) That "I don't know" is a perfectly acceptable thing to say in almost any situation. (Just saying this alone often opens the door to new ideas and possibilities from multiple people. Believing we always have the right answer actually closes a lot of opportunities for growth, new ideas, and input from others down.) 2) That if I don't know what to do, then WAITING is a perfect thing to do. 3) That admitting that I was wrong is more than ok - it's healthy for my kids to hear and see that even their beloved mama isn't perfect. Then they know it's ok when they make mistakes too. 4) That my kids learn to apologize when I apologize to them. 5) That although Peace is what I strive for in my life, that doesn't mean my life will always be Peaceful - and that's ok too. 6) That learning, growing, and changing is part of life - whether you are a child or a "grown-up". (Being an adult doesn't mean we know everything. Actually, the best grown ups are the ones who are learning the most from the kids. Kids know all the good stuff - play, laugh, have fun learning!) 7) That changing your mind may actually be the most sensible thing to do. (Another thing that kids are really good at. My son can say "no" and 30 seconds later change his mind - no stigma attached to the decision at all.) 8) That the choppy waters are actually part of The Flow. It's better to put on my life preserver and ride it out than try to fight my way back upstream to the calmer waters - especially when there is a tranquil pool waiting for me just downstream if I would let go. 9) That my parenting path is actually about me, not my kids. So I better get my sh*t together to clear the way for them. 10) When everyone's freaking out and Peaceful is the LAST word you would use to describe the scene, taking deep breaths (sometimes with a mantra that involves loving words), admitting, "I don't know what to do" (while keeping everyone safe if that needs to be done), waiting for the most intense waves of emotions to pass through and over everyone, then reconnecting physically and by talking (when all parties are ready) is the best thing I can do. Because we all know that no one is perfect. So why would a PARENT be any different? Stop holding yourself up to impossible expectations. Love who you are and know what your strengths are. Use them. Know what your weaknesses are too, so you can work on them, find other people to complement them, and you can communicate honestly about them. And stop blaming "the system" for what you're unhappy about. DO SOMETHING if you're not satisfied with the way things are. If you and your kids aren't feeling connected, find ways to fix it. No one can tell you what's the best way for your relationship. That's it. My recipe for my life. I bet yours is a little different but that we share a lot of the same ingredients. Maybe mine has some vodka or sangria in it and tomorrow I'll wake up and realize that I really am drunk. ;-) At the center of your being you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want.
- Lao Tzu  The Mindful Parenting eBundle Sale ends TODAY!!!! This is your LAST CHANCE to get 22 quality parenting e-products for only $24.95 USD! Be quick to get your copy of this bundle! *** Check out all the products included in this bundle: Attachment Parenting International Teleseminar
|
Click on the image to get your free Vitamin C Get Started guide that answers all of these questions and get on my RiseUP with Susan May email list!
Susan MayWife, mom, information and peace seeker. Categories
All
Archives
July 2022
|
Relaxation Meditation (audio) — Amy Phoenix — lifetime access!!
The Newbie’s Guide to Positive Parenting is an introduction to the philosophy of positive parenting.
Bursting with ideas for playing inside and outside, with activities for moving, talking, cooking, creating, thinking, singing, imagining and constructing, Play Grow Learn is a downloadable e-zine that provides both inspiration and information for parents and educators of children from birth to 5 years.
Listen to this audio to gain lots of insights into the tendency to meltdown, why it happens, how to see it coming and what to do instead of yelling or otherwise acting from a place of overwhelm and frustration. You’ll gain reassurance that it’s much more common than you thought, that it’s not your fault, but it is your responsibility. You’ll learn that there are psychological triggers going back to childhood at the core of your tendency to lose your cool. And most importantly you’ll gain lots of great tips and strategies from Genevieve and Patty that will make it so much easier to be the peaceful parent that you know that you really can be.
When you're at your wits end and need to rest and recuperate, this CD is a fantastic resource ~ Grab yourself fifteen minutes or so, choose your track and let Genevieve’s calming voice and supportive words guide you back to your self … back to your centre … back to balance … back to you at your best … back to peaceful parenting!
Nurturing Creativity: A Guide for Busy Moms is a book to help you grow creatively.Nurturing Creativity is about embracing the seasons of motherhood and appreciating where you are while helping you to make creativity a priority in your life.
This set includes the Dr. Marcy Audio Coaching Session "Speaking to Your Child's Subconscious" and companion eBooklet, A Unique 7-Step Parenting Tool: Sleep Talking.
RSS Feed
