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You know that cliché old question, "If you had one piece of advice for _________" Well, I bet you can guess who I'm going to address. Yep, You Betcha! (Any "Good Luck Charlie" fans here?? This is one of my daughter's and my favorite things to say right now - "You Betcha".) Where was I? Oh yeah - one piece of advice. Of course my advice is for (drumroll please!)....New Parents! (Shocking I know. Well, this is "A parenting blog that's not (only) about parenting", after all!) If I had ONE bit of wisdom to impart to parents-to-be, what would I say? Actually, let's back that train up even further - what would I tell someone even considering parenthood? ('Cause we're going to assume in the ideal world most babies coming down the... uh, canal... are planned and wanted.) I'm not even sure how to explain this one thing I want all some-day (and present day) parents to know. I'm not even sure if I can boil it down to "One Thing". But it is basically this. Remember Always: Children are people and parenting is a relationship. (Did I just sneak 2 things in there?? Oh well...) We look to experts and read hundreds of blog posts and books because we want THE ANSWERS. But there is no answer. There is only your child and you and your relationship. We are so busy looking for the answers to our "problems" - how to stop our toddler from grabbing or hitting, how to get our kids to cooperate when we "need" to leave the house, how to raise respectful, responsible teenagers - that we're missing the forest for the trees. Because it's not about PARENTING. It's about LIFE. And life is ultimately about our relationships. That is what I mean by the tagline, "A parenting blog that's not about parenting" {I added the (only) in later - because clearly I *do* write about parenting a lot!} Yes, children are people. They are people with their own opinions, will, and desires. There is no such thing as a child neatly fitting into a pre-approved slot that you have left empty on your "Life Blueprints". Your child will have their own plans. So if *you* are *planning* on becoming a parent - throw out any other plans. At least for a while. If you think you know what kind of parent you are going to be or what a parent "should" do - try to set that aside. Don't be afraid to entertain ideas that are completely the opposite of what you "know". When I was a teacher I thought it was good training for becoming a parent. I thought that I was learning to say, "No!" and mean it. I thought I was becoming better at things that were really necessary as a parent. I also thought that I was deficient as a person because my nature is much softer than the archetype I had internalized as "good parent." Fast forward a few years and I've embraced saying YES! with all my being and I've thrown out just about every lesson I thought I was learning back in those teaching years. If you want to be a parent, stop looking to experts to tell you what to do and instead turn towards your child. They will tell you everything you need to know (even if it's not with words). Of course, be open to learning from others. If you want to make the way easier for you and your family then read, research, and ask questions! But realize too, some lessons will only be learned with time and experience even if you read them 100 times. Your child will not be convenient. Your child will come prepared to make you a better person by pushing whatever your hot buttons may be. They will share characteristics with you and that will be maddening. And they will be different from you and that will be confusing. You will try to give them things like trips to Disneyland, and they won't want them. You will want to go outside, be with friends, go on adventures, when all they want is to be home where they are safe and cozy (or vice versa.) They will push your comfort zones and force you to navigate social situations way before you are ready to (are we ever ready??) In short, your child will be his or her own person - from the moment they are conceived - and whether you enjoy that person will largely depend on how willingly you embrace this very fact. Here are some more links and a fantastically funny video for your reading and viewing pleasure: I became a mother and died to live It doesn't help anyone not to be honest about motherhood
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I started a post directed to all "wannabe" or "soon-to-be" parents. But then I realized I wanted to address the idea of "advice" - giving and receiving - first. There is nothing worse than unsolicited advice - whether it's concerning an issue that you are firmly decided and educated on, or completely wishy-washy and unsure of. It is mostly the "unsolicitedness" that rubs us the wrong way.
Let me cut to the chase. Basically what I'm saying here is: don't take any old advice out there (especially from self-proclaimed "experts") - but please do take everything you read here straight to heart. Ha! Just kidding. (But no, not really... Nothing like some ego to start off a blog post!) I recently read on a friend's Facebook wall a seemingly logical and nice sentiment. Basically she stated NOT to take anyone's parenting advice - you know because we're all unique and different and on our own paths etc. etc. Not to mention that every child is also an individual with their own special needs and personalities. And I mostly "get" and agree with statements like that one. Except when I don't. (I find that I can agree AND disagree with just about anything. I'm just cool like that.) Because even though we are unique, our basic CORE needs are very much the same. After our physical needs for clean air, water, food, safety and shelter are met, we are all seeking to belong somewhere - to feel love, accepted, and valued. We just happen to express this need in a million different ways. Anyway, back to the idea of not taking any advice. Again, I agree... and I disagree. I agree with not just doing what any old person tells you to - whether that is a doctor, author, or an experienced parent with older children. One thing that really attracted me to attachment parenting and unschooling is that I was encouraged to listen to my own intuition AND my child. That being said - I do think that we can learn from others. I know I have! We need to be discerning and wise, and not just "throw the (advice) baby out with the bathwater" (how many clichés can I throw into one post!) I recently found another great blog by a really interesting woman who is clearly a great mother and a very compelling writer. Her tagline is, "Join me in the fight against helpful parenting advice". Ha! Part of me really loves that - the rebellious, "don't tell me what to do", "who do you think you are??" "you don't know me!!" part of my ego. And then the softer, idealist, who wants to change the world, part wants to reach out to her and say - "Wait! I think there *are* things that we can learn from each other - things that will make our paths easier and more enjoyable - isn't that a good thing??" (One of her most recent popular posts is titled, "Hey, Hi. I want off your parenting team.") Here are some questions to help weed out advice that may not be helpful: Is the advice being given because it's what "everyone" is doing? Is it reinforcing "conventional" wisdom or something that "everyone knows" but it feels wrong in your gut? Is it accompanied by reassurance such as, "you're a great mom/dad/caregiver - don't worry about x,y, or z so much." If any or all the above is true, then maybe you want to dig a little deeper - especially if what is being advised doesn't feel right to you. The best advice I've ever been given or read has been that which invites critical thought. It's not advice so much as, "This is what works in our family and why..." It invites recipients to, "read a little, try a little, wait a while, watch." It never implies that there is only one answer to complicated questions. It values people, relationships, and joy. Last year I was a bit hung up on the idea of whether this parenting gig is intrinsically difficult. My thoughts being - maybe our modern circumstances and ways of thinking are the main things making it feel so darn hard to people. Well, I'm kind of over that now - parenting is challenging, no use denying it. BUT, I still believe that many of us make it a lot more difficult and complicated than it needs to be. Because we're worried about doing it "right"; because we focus on changing our children instead of our own paradigms; because it's easier to keep believing what we've been conditioned to believe than it is to reject almost all of it and forge a new path. But the truth is: People who will not receive any help are making life more difficult for themselves. Most people want to cling to the idea that "no one has parenting figured out" - because it makes them feel better when they feel lost or confused or like they really SUCK at being a parent. I'm here to let you in on a secret: it's not really about parenting at all. "Parenting" is just part of Life. And Life is about doing our best. That's it. It's not about finding the "right answers" or about what to "do" - it's about how to "be". It's about striving to be the person you want to be. It's about your relationships with your loved ones. Sure, life (and parenting!) is going to throw all sorts of scenarios at you that you never dreamed of - and you aren't going to know what to do right away. That's why it's so important to have solid core principles that guide you. Because if you don't it will feel like you never know what to do. (You still will have times when you don't know what to do, but you will have faith and trust that you will find your way.) It's also important to surround yourself with people whom you trust and can be yourself. I still don't believe offering unsolicited advice is the way to inspire change. (Here's a pretty benign example gone awry: I criticized my daughter-in-law's parenting, now what?) Often it will fall on deaf ears and there is a good chance higher walls will be erected. But if you are in the business of always trying to be better yourself I do "recommend" seeking out the opinions of those you respect. Keep an open mind and heart and you never know - these things called Life and Parenthood may start to be just a bit easier. I have an unusual moment alone thanks to our new neighbors. They have a cool playground in their backyard and a bouncy house in their basement - so clearly it is a fun place to be! We only moved to this house Friday. I am writing this on Wednesday. This is the third times my kids have been over there in four days - hopefully this is a good thing (for the neighbors) and not a "holy cow, who just moved in next to us?!" thing! Anyway, we are just getting to know each other and the mother was asking me some questions about homeschooling. She thought it must be hard because I don't really get breaks. And I agreed with her, since Marisol was born almost 8 years ago I don't really get a lot of "breaks". I explained that I've learned how to get my needs met with my kids - together. But I wasn't completely satisfied with my answer - so I thought I'd use this unexpected alone time (thanks to my awesome new neighbors!) to write a bit about that. This is another example of how a paradigm shift can make the difference between a miserable and a happy existence. It's true - I don't get a ton of breaks in the way that most people think of breaks - you know, time away from my kids doing things that *I* like to do by myself. But in some ways I feel like I actually get way more breaks than most people. Because our lives are very flexible we are free to do what we want. Which means I can rest on the couch with my kiddos every day if I want (usually they are watching a movie or show, sometimes I listen to a meditation on my iPhone). Also we get to take way more vacations than many families. (Incidentally, our new address is VACATION LANE - ha! How appropriate is that for our family??) I usually see my parents for an extended visit several times per year - and during those visits I am able to get more "breaks" than usual. Even if one child really needs me, often the other one is being entertained by Grandma or Grandpa or Aunty LD. And when we aren't on a true "vacation" we are still very free. To be busy or stay home, to go to a museum or the library, to take a bath (or 3!) in the middle of the day, to watch our favorite shows all day long, to go to a friend's house or have them come here. Yes, some days are really hard - usually when I am tired. But I think that is true for just about all parents - I mean people! So yes, I am with my kids a lot more than many people are accustomed to. But the longer we do this, and the older the kids get, the better we get at meeting all of our needs without being apart (and yes, a big part of reason it gets easier is because they are older). Every day they get to see that I have needs too - that I get tired, hungry, grumpy, etc. We get to talk about these things and try to make things work for us. It's not perfect for everyone all the time, but overall we are able to make it work. Now we have a puppy factored into the equation.The really cool thing is that meeting her needs - especially to get outside and exercise - is turning out to be really good for all of us! Imagine that: meeting someone else's need actually can fill your own! <-- BOOM! There it is, the whole point to this post. It only took 5 paragraphs of Random Ramblyness to get to it. Here are some more links to explore: From my page, why I'm not a fan of the term "me-time": Me Time? No Thanks. From another blog, this piece explains the true "burden" of homeschooling, and it's not what you might think!: The Great and Terrible Burden of Homeschooling And a third from Sandra Dodd's page, because no post of mine would be complete without it: Precisely How To Unschool (this piece addresses in general terms "how much time" to spend with your child). ps I didn't forget the Mother's day part of this post. Here ya go, ala Crappy Parenting (my daughter loves this page - ha!) 
The main point being, and how it's related to this post - you can do all of these things even when your kids are around! When they are little you are more likely to have to actually do them IN THEIR PRESENCE - including the potty and bath - but you can get your needs met at the same time.
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Susan MayWife, mom, information and peace seeker. Categories
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