Together Walking

On the Same Page

12/26/2013

Mike and I are a really good team. We have built a wonderful life together these past 10 years. A large part of that is because we are "on the same page" about some important things. Me staying home, him working, and homeschooling jump to mind immediately. Also I take out the garbage and he cleans the litter box. You know, all the BIG things in life.

Peace Lady and Super Man - what a duo!

But the truth is we AREN'T always on the same page. No one is. That is why relationships take effort. The truth is that we've changed in ways we never could have predicted 10 years ago (and if we could have, we might have ran in opposite directions!) I'm sure that sometimes he looks at me and thinks, "who is she??" But he still loves me (and I, him). So we annoy each other and bicker sometimes and hurt each other's feelings and then we apologize and heal and make up. We grow together. Sometimes it's painful... but it's been worth it every single time.

I've been surprised by a couple of friends recently. One friend who knows me very well and reads here regularly (or so she tells me ;-) asked me how I'm teaching Marisol to read. (Actually, I think she asked me how I "taught" her to read, now that I think about it.) Since Marisol is still in the process of becoming a fluent reader, I kind of dodged the "how" part by explaining that she's still working on it. My friend explained that she is fascinated by the process because it is so mysterious. All I could think was, "me too!" I don't know HOW kids learn to read exactly and I don't think that anyone really does - even reading "experts" (I've already explained how I feel about those!) I do know that each child is different and the most powerful thing you can do is read with them. So I keep doing that with Marisol and so far the process has been (relatively) fun and (relatively) painless... and at times magical.

But my point in sharing this, is that the question took me completely by surprise - mostly because I don't even think or use that word hardly ever anymore... "teach". I don't think of myself as teaching my kids - guiding, helping, encouraging, explaining, sharing, learning with, etc, YES. Teaching, not so much. And I guess I thought most people who know me well know that by now.

My friend and I weren't on the same page. But upon further reflection this is not so surprising. Unschooling is something that takes years of DOING to really "get", so I can't expect anyone to make such a huge paradigm shift from reading here the few times I've written about it. Especially when they are still immersed every day in a completely different world.

But to be clear - I was NOT upset or offended or hurt by the question. Not in the least. Surprised yes. And that led to some thought and introspection - which I happen to enjoy - so actually mostly I just want to hug and thank this friend. Which I do when I get to see her, because although we may not be on the same page, we surely do share space in the library. I love her genre - being around her, learning from her, breaking out of my own fabricated paradigms.

Another friend recently commented on how "dependent" Gerry still is on me. That stung. I thought that this particular friend "got" how much I trust my kids to grow, mature, and try new things on their own schedule. This includes weaning, sleeping in their own beds, playing with other kids, etc. So I was again surprised (and a bit hurt) when when she suggested that he or I should be doing something differently.

What helped this time was knowing that it really didn't matter. She could think what she wanted to think, I can keep parenting the way I think best, and we can still keep on loving each other and being friends.

When we moved to DC 6+ years ago (no way! it hasn't been that long...) I was on a mission to find friends. I am friendly and outgoing so I could strike up a conversation with just about any mama (or papa) or nanny at the park. I would often find phone numbers saved in my cell with names that I no longer recognized. When I found a friend that I really clicked with I felt like her stalker. But we remain friends to this day and I'm so glad that I was persistent. Part of my mission was to find parents "like" me. People who were breastfeeding or co-sleeping or passionate about birth... It feels good to connect with people who do things similarly and/or believe what you believe. It makes you feel like maybe you aren't crazy after all.

Two examples of stalking paying off... these lovely ladies. We are not on the "same page" about everything - just the most important things.

But what I found was that usually I would share 1 or 2 things with a mama but differ in other areas. (I know, I know - this is a SHOCKING discovery! ha.) Now, I'm actually much pickier. No, you don't have to DO things like me. But I have to FEEL a certain way around you to really want to pursue a friendship. It's not about agreeing - it's about feeling comfortable, loved, supported - in short I need to feel free to be my own, unique as a snowflake, self.

Being on the Same Page is sometimes very important (like on the BIG things in marriage) but it isn't always necessary and sometimes maybe it's not even desirable. How boring would this world be if we were ALL on THE SAME PAGE? Can you imagine? It would be like a world library... with one page. How much better is is that we have books upon unique books. That we have fiction and non-fiction and every other genre you can think of? How amazing is it that we humans can make connections and find "similarities" in the oddest, most unexpected places?

These are just a few of my thoughts on being on the same page. What are yours?

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Why almost all "Beliefs" don't matter

12/20/2013

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Have you ever noticed how two statements that sound the "opposite" can both be true? Or even be saying the same thing at their core?

For example, I wrote a post a while ago titled "What if parenting isn't about your kids at all?" What I meant is that I've flipped things around and decided to make parenting be about the person *I* strive to be RIGHT NOW in this moment, not the future person I'm dreaming I can mold my child into with the perfect parenting equation.

Of course then I read this comment on one of my most favorite fellow mommy blogs and found myself nodding in agreement, "From the second I knew from the bottom of my soul that parenting had nothing to do with ME and everything to do with THEM." Duh, of course she's right! It's not about me at all - after all it's my kids' lives we're talking about here, right?? (btw, this wise mama blogs here if you're interested)

Hmm... so which is right? Is parenting about me or the kids? Or do we really have to choose?

But it gets more interesting. The comment that I cited above was on a post titled, "Mommy Wars and Judgement Prohibited: Freeing Ourselves" (and yes I'm linking it again - I didn't write it, but I want it to go viral. Please read. Please share. You never know who {whom?} you might help or touch).

Guess what? Another one of my favorite blogs (what can I say, I have a lot!) posted this: "Why Ending the "Mommy Wars" is Misguided and Dangerous" and I LOVED it too! How can that be? By looking at the titles of these two posts you might conclude that they are saying completely opposite things.

But they are not. (Read them! I swear to you, these two pieces are not at odds with each other.) This is why we have to get past the one-liners and the bible verses, the cliches and campaign slogans. We need to dig deeper. We cannot understand each other if we keep talking at each other the same way. We need to have full-on, raw, deep conversations with each other. We need to see each other's hearts. We need to LISTEN.

There is apparently a raging debate going on about some "reality" show person that I have no idea about. But I read an article today titled, "What You Believe About Homosexuality Doesn't Matter," and something inside of me was sparked because that is EXACTLY what I just said in my last post, "Nothing really matters" - what I BELIEVE doesn't matter very much. (This thought can actually be very freeing - try it! Once you realize it doesn't matter what you believe, you can focus on the things that do matter.) I also read through a very long thread on a friend's wall today about this topic. The debate was actually quite maddening but it was also amazing because it made me think and feel braver and stronger about what I know is True and Right.

Someone on that thread stated that BELIEFS MATTER because they lead to actions.

Guess what? I agree with that too. And actually both the author of the above post and the commenter on Facebook both had the same goal - love and acceptance for people in the LGBTQ community.

Oh my gosh, this is such a delicious thread of random (or synchronous!) connectedness here! (which is why I'm writing at 12:30 am and not in bed!) Yes it IS true, our actions do matter. Treating each other kindly matters. Using our words wisely matters. Loving matters. That, my friends, is the point. Those are the ONLY things that matter.

I believe in Kindness. The difficulty of course lies is the fact of what we do when faced with UNkindness. We cannot let it slide by. That is not kind to anyone - including ourselves.

Well, this is a bit disjointed but I'm putting it out there into the vast cyber-network. I want to hear from you... Tell me:

Can you think of any of these seemingly "oxymoronic" (apparently I'm making up words left and right here! That's what happens at this hour...) statements - ideas that side by side on paper look completely contradictory - but you either love them both or find them both to be true? More importantly, what guides you in your life? Beliefs? Action? Something else? I want to know!

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Nothing really matters...

12/7/2013

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And now I have that song in my head... (had to search the name - Bohemian Rhapsody.) I know that the title for this post, which I just plucked out of my head, sounds depressing - but that is not how I feel.

I feel raw and tender - I can feel my heart aching in my chest - I feel alive and maybe just a little bit hopeful, I feel ready... to just live.

I'm in a weird mood with lots of thoughts swirling - and since I haven't written in some time I thought maybe it was a good morning to get some of it out. The kids are quietly watching their shows after having some chocolate chocolate chip ice-cream. And that's exactly what I mean right there. It doesn't matter that they are watching shows and had ice-cream for breakfast. (Actually my daughter had pancakes loaded with butter and syrup first - does that make it better?? But let's not forget about the fact that last night after eschewing the meatless, bean chili that she helped me make in the crock-pot, she had a bowl of spinach with organic ranch dressing and an orange. She wanted ice-cream last night, but forgot after that scrumptious meal and went to bed exhausted. So when she remembered this morning I got it for her. And of course I got some for Gerry - because it is a great way to wake up an exhausted 4 year old boy who stayed up till 1 am because he napped from 3-5 in the evening before, and he wants to nurse the morning away. Speaking of which it doesn't matter that my 4 year and 4 month old still loves his "muk" - even if there are those that would differ with me on that point.)

It doesn't matter if some people think I'm indulgent or my mother said a few years ago that she's not sure about us making "separate" meals for the kids. It doesn't matter that Gerry's main source of protein every day is fish sticks from a box.

(ok, so I was just playing Mario Kart with Gerry and during the race somehow everything I just wrote was erased - and oh boy was I upset! But then I thought, "Well, I guess that doesn't *really* matter either... but great news - the undo button worked, and it all came back! phew.)

It doesn't matter if... Gerry spills another bowl of granola on our carpet and the "toy chest" is sticky from orange juice drips. It doesn't matter that I love Disney movies and some people can't stand them. It doesn't matter that we love to visit Santa each year while other families choose not to - and tell their kids as soon as it comes up, "he's not real." It doesn't matter what age our children sleep through the night, or take their first steps, or utter their first full sentence. It doesn't matter whether our houses are full of "nice things" or "second-hand things" or hardly any things at all. It doesn't matter whether my Facebook post gets 20 likes or 50 shares. It doesn't matter if I keep track of every post that goes through my news-feed. It doesn't matter if my kids clothes are grass stained or their hair tangle-y and snarled. It doesn't matter if my toddler (or preschooler!) can barely sit down at the dinner table for more than 2 minutes. It doesn't matter if we don't really have a "family dinner" every night.

It doesn't matter that some people believe Jesus was the son of God and some don't, that some people believe he was an amazing person and some believe that he didn't exist. In fact, I'm coming to the conclusion that "what I believe" doesn't matter much at all - or at least not nearly as much as what I do.

And so we arrive at what *does* matter. Because I guess we all know that some things really do matter. It's just in the great big grand scheme of life, the percentage of things that matter is very small. Maybe minuscule. Maybe so teeny-tiny that the number of things that DON'T matter actually approach 100% - thereby making the title of this post true. But I guess that doesn't matter either.

So what matters? People. Connection. Being Kind. Doing our best. Apologizing. Giving. Loving. It matters that when I began writing this post two days ago, I stopped as soon as my kids needed me (which was pretty soon after I started). It matters that I turn away from the screen and look into Marisol's eyes. It matters that I played Mario Kart with Gerry. It doesn't matter that most of the words that were spinning through my mind are lost - maybe forever. Even the beautiful, poetic, deeply felt words. They don't matter.

On our drive home the other day there was an amazing sunset. A few minutes after I took this picture it got even more intense on the horizon. But I noticed if you looked above there was just a wall of gray clouds, blanketing the entire sky. There was just the one strip of brightness in the sky - and fairly narrow compared to the whole sky. And I thought, (insert deep, introspective voice here that says, "Deep Thoughts by Susan D. May" - ok it doesn't sound as catchy as Jack Handy, but it's not bad...) Anyway, I thought, why in life do we often focus on the gray? Even if there is only that small section of sky burning on the horizon, it should be enough to capture our attention and set our imaginations on fire. So I'm setting an intention to keep my focus on the bright spots right in front of me. I'm not going to crane my head up to look at the vast expanse of gray - I know it's there but it doesn't help or inspire me. But that sunset? Breathtaking. I don't want to take my eyes off of it because it doesn't last long.

It doesn't matter if I feel judged or if someone else thinks I'm judging them... whether I am or not. I see so many people stressing over things that DON'T MATTER (and believe me, I am one of those people I see! I am right there stressing with everyone else.) But my message to these people - the ones who think I am judging them - and myself - is just this: It doesn't matter. We cause ourselves and others so much needless suffering. If we could stop focusing on the gray skies above us, that seem to stretch on endlessly, and instead draw our gaze back down to the brilliant horizon - to the seemingly small things, but oh so bright - then we would see what really matters.

Members of the Human species, let us remember every day - there are No Guarantees and there are No Re-dos. Just ask any parent who has lost a child. (I always think of this mama and it helps me be the mother I want to be.) We do not know how long we have with any of our loved ones. So please remember, (almost) Nothing Really Matters. When your child is freaking out or refusing to do what you want them to - remember what matters... and what most definitely does NOT. When your significant other annoys you and you want to snap at them try (TRY!) to take a deep breath and bite your tongue. Wait 5 minutes (or 10). Repeat your mantra, "It doesn't matter." Remember why you love them. Remember all the things they do for you. Try to see their perspective.

Nothing really matters. When we realize this we are so much freer, so much lighter, so much more present. We can let go of all the tiny details like what we look like on the outside or what others think of us and focus on the very few things that Do Matter.

Jewel has been quoted often, because she said it simply and truly,

"In the end, only Kindness matters."

If this post resonates with you please share. Let's keep spreading the word! And of course I'd love to hear from you as always.

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On the Same Page

Why almost all "Beliefs" don't matter

Nothing really matters...

Susan May

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