Dear One I loved,
I am struggling. I find it difficult to forgive you. When the sky was falling and the world was falling apart...You abandoned me and my family. You told me to be quiet. You insisted that I was a danger to others because I had questions.
You thought our relationship was better off if we just ignored the issue.
Worse...you cut me off because it was too difficult for you to see me.
But you were wrong... our relationship isn't better and the questions didn't disappear because you banished me.
I'm not lonely. I've made amazing new friends...people who are my family and love me for who I am - questions and all. I feel more peaceful and connected than I ever have before.
But it still hurts. I miss you. Because no one else is You. And no one else shares the history that we did. It sucks.
I hope you are well. I wish health and happiness for you and yours. I'd reach out but... it feels you've set a boundary. The chasm seems too deep and wide to bridge right now.
And so I cry. And slowly I heal. This is my work.
I am wary of you. You showed me I could not trust you (at least "past you"...) Maybe someday we'll rebuild a shaky bridge together. And we'll place each plank...with intention, carefully hammering in new nails, slowly reaching out from our respective "sides" of the ravine...taking our time until we can meet in the middle.
I'm ready when you are. Life is too short and Love is the only way.
As gas prices skyrocket, I am thinking of all the families that are being impacted. It's no small thing when such an essential part of our life changes so quickly and drastically. We have homeschool friends who drive over an hour to hang out with us - will we be able to continue our regular meetups?
Another friend posted how her business is impacted because she drives to all of her clients.
I feel the tension of all of these things as I continue to grow my own baby business. I am hyper-aware of how incredibly fortunate my family is (husband working from home, kids that have always been homeschooled, a roof over our head and plenty of money to meet our needs and then some). I also know through first hand experience that everything can change overnight - we've been through unemployment before and came close to facing it again this past fall.
Many of you are friends that I know in real life. But I consider all of you friends. I am incredibly grateful for each of your support and engagement as you help fuel my personal and business growth. I want to make a few things clear both as your friend and as a business owner who believes in what I am offering to you.
I purposely made "Uncertainty" the biggest Elephant in the image above. Uncertainty makes us humans feel insecure and scared about the future. We tend to contract in fear and pull things tighter when we feel this way - it's natural. But I truly believe that the changes that will help us best navigate Uncertain times come by us loosening our grip and tuning into our intuition. That's what I've been doing for about a year and a half now.
For example - the decision to move in Fall of 2020? I stopped reading and listening and obsessing, and started spending long hours lying on the trampoline with Carter staring at the sky. Over time I got very calm and knew in my gut what our family's next step was. This is just one example of many.
Thank you for being here and sharing your journey with me, wherever you are. I truly appreciate you and hope you are finding joy, peace and connection every day, even when the future seems so unpredictable.
Remember: Be Bold, Be Brave, Be You!
Because who else is there to be?
apology to "balance"
The last time I wrote about "Balance" I was not very kind to her. In fact I titled the post "F*ck Balance". Eek.
Here are a few bits from that post:
"Balance... I'm done with you. I'm done obsessing with you, striving for you, feeling like I'm no good when I can't achieve you. Maybe some people can seek you and feel good about it, but for me (a recovering perfectionist) it just feels like I never can get you right."
And now as a mother I find my world always just a bit askew. My kids are a teensy bit older now so things are way better (and by better I mean easier) than they were four years ago or even two. Now I have time to write, I go on walks alone (every once in a while anyway), I regularly teach Hypnobabies, and I actually COOK meals (sometimes) And yet... I still find myself trying to catch even a glimpse of you in my days. But you remain ever elusive. My plan changes daily. I will get up early and walk. No, I will get up early and do yoga. No, I'll stay up late and write. Every day the book I'm (not) writing is in the back of my mind. Every day I think, I need to exercise more! Every day I feel like I need to give more to my kids only to realize I'm wanting to give more to myself.
I think that there are a lot of really worthwhile thoughts and feelings in that post. But maybe it wasn't "Balance" that was at fault. Perhaps it was my idea of what balance is and conflating balance with some kind of perfect destination. Yes, I was definitely conflating "balance" with "perfection." But recently watching my daughter compete on the balance beam gave me a fresh outlook on this word I felt so strongly about 8+ years ago.
The balance beam is an event that always has us on pins and needles. Will the athlete fall? We cheer for them when they fight to stay on the beam, feel intense, vicarious disappointment when they do fall and awe when they nail a routine that 99.9% of us can't even imagine doing on the ground.
Watching my daughter do all of these things made me realize - balance isn't a destination, it is a constant practice. Good yoga instructors tell us the same thing - when we practice yoga our balance varies day to day - some days we are like statues and others we can't stay upright on one leg for the life of us! And think about elite gymnasts who train as a full time job - even they fall off the beam. No one is immune to losing their balance.
The reason I was so angry at the idea of Balance was because there are modern world challenges - especially for moms of young children - that make it very difficult to feel like you are ever close to a healthy balance. But that doesn't mean we should stop trying to find creative solutions to fill our cups while also taking care of our babies and loved ones at the same time.
If you lose your balance give yourself grace. Then pick yourself up, climb back up on that beam and try again. We're all cheering you on!
Wife, mom, information and peace seeker.