|
I saw a meme tonight on FB that went something like this, "I'm so scarred for life because I was spanked as a child... said no adult ever."
First of all it's pretty easy to discredit that statement. All you have to do is read the comments on any article about spanking - for or against - and you will find people who say they were spanked as children and they will NEVER do that to their kids. The feelings range in intensity, but it's safe to say that they DO feel their lives were affected by their parents' "disciplinary" choice. And this raging debate was no different - in fact the comments were fairly predictable and as usual, completely polarized. I didn't read any new arguments. None of them changed my mind. And I realized that was probably true for everyone reading and commenting - people's minds are made up. Here is a generalized sampling of some of the comments left in defense of spanking:
To the first, I have to agree with those who have stated many times before me- if you are so "fine" why are you defending a bigger person hitting a smaller person? Perhaps you have good manners in public, maybe you have a decent job, you go to church every week, give money to charity, have a long-term steady relationship, and maybe you even have children. Are these the kinds of things you think of when you say you are fine? Because the fact that you are so determined to cling to the idea that spanking is a good idea speaks volumes. The second argument supposes that if spanking is done correctly then it is not abuse. Now I am certain that there are forms of corporal punishment that are harsher than others - but does that make any form acceptable? If your 4 year old hits your 2 year old is that ok? What if your 2 year old hits your 4 year old - but it isn't very hard? How about then? Do you let it go because it doesn't qualify as abusive? Or is it NOT ok for kids to hit? And if that is the case how do you explain spanking - to them and yourself? To the third I say a few things. First, our definition of what is acceptable behavior is going to vary. To the person that commented that if he had been loud in a store he would have been properly disciplined (and therefore he didn't behave that way) I offer only love. Certainly there is behavior that is not acceptable in certain spaces - but kids are going to act like kids - exuberant, curious, full of energy - basically, full of LIFE. If kids are not able to behave the way they are wired to, there is a good chance they will grow up to be adults that condemn this very behavior. Perhaps it is not kids that need to change but the societal expectations of what is acceptable. But more than that - I know that there are plenty of well behaved kids that are NOT spanked, so this argument holds little logical weight in my mind. And finally, oh my heart aches to read the last. It was repeated over and over - not only the ideas that "I was spanked and I'm fine," but beyond that - that "I deserved it, I'm better for it, I'm grateful for it". This defense hurts the most. I've heard it before. And I'm here to tell you it's not true. You didn't deserve it. No one does. Some people like to use the idea of "uniqueness" as a defense of spanking. "Different methods work for different kids." Who can argue with that? It's true. But I would argue that the kids that get the most spankings (the "difficult" ones, the "stubborn" and "defiant" ones... you know who they are) are the ones that need an alternative the most. If they are getting ("need"?) repeated spankings, it's not working. And the kids that don't get spankings because they don't need them? Kids like me and my sister who were hardly ever punished? Well, we're just naturally "good" I guess. My parents were just lucky (I think they actually think this sometimes.) Actually this whole idea of different kids having different needs is EXACTLY why no one should be spanked. It's why so many people claim to be "fine" while others are vehemently against spanking. How do you know which "type" your child is? And if the spanking doesn't really bother them, is it "working"? If it "works" and bothers them, what is it doing to them and your relationship? I think I may have been spanked once my whole life. I have a very vague recollection of if. My parents don't remember at all. I also remember sitting in the "corner" once and getting sent to my room once. That's the extent of my punishment "record".(Oh and I did get detention twice in middle/highschool - let's not forget that!) (Clearly those few times stuck with me though.) And I think I turned out more than fine. Guess what else is more than fine? My relationship with my parents. I'm as close to my parents as anyone I know. If I had been spanked would I be this "fine"? Would I be "better off"? Or not? Would the relationships I have with my parents be the same? The truth is we can never know. But defending something that is wrong won't help. Maybe you are fine. Maybe the fact that you are more than fine has nothing to do with spanking, and in fact, it is IN SPITE of the fact that you were spanked. After all, we human beings are a resilient bunch - kids included. Ahh, I don't know. It just makes me sad. I don't really believe I can change people's minds but I don't want to say silent either. What do you think? Can you poke any holes in my spanking logic? I'm 99.99% certain I will never think hitting a child is ok. ps You know what else? Spanking doesn't feel good for anyone. You know what does? Taking deep breaths when you feel like shaking your child because you are so frustrated, waiting till the feeling passes, then having them apologize to you. That feels fucking awesome. pps Lest you think I'm suggesting otherwise: No one is perfect. We have to constantly be vigilant and sometimes we are not. So then we alter our paths. As I thought about these things tonight I thought of some conversations I need to have with my own kids. Because I'm not perfect and sometimes I'm too hard on them and sometimes I let things go and sometimes I'm tired...
5 Comments
Om Anandham Namah: My actions are blissfully free from attachment to outcome  I was listening to one of my meditations from the Chopra center today and the mantra and its meaning for this particular one was: Om Anandham Namah: My actions are blissfully free from attachment to outcome. Welcome to the April 2013 Authentic Parenting Blog Carnival: Peaceful Parenting Applied This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Authentic Parenting Blog Carnival hosted by Authentic Parenting and Living Peacefully with Children. This month our participants have written about Peaceful Parenting Applied. We hope you enjoy this month’s posts and consider joining us next month when we share about Self Love. *** It's easy to be a "peaceful parent" when our children are happy, engaged, getting along and just generally behaving in a way that we like. But what about the rest of the time? Well, that is when we actually get to put our peaceful-lovin' selves to practice. And it can be challenging to put our money where our mouths are - when we are being triggered, feeling strong emotions ourselves, and generally wishing that things were different in the moment. (<-- These are all reasons why our first priority needs to be working on ourselves and our reactions so we can best support and guide our children.) I tend to get stuck in the philosophical when I write. I love to climb up on my soapbox and wax about kindness and "being the change" we want to see in the world. But sometimes it's more helpful to give concrete examples and a window into our homes about how this actually looks day to day. We need inspiration AND we need practical, hands-on tips. My beloved, sweet 3 year-old boy is mostly through a hitting phase that has lasted for quite a few months (and even now as I type this, I'm JUST realizing - wow, it hasn't been so bad lately! *That's* what I'm talking about - these things fade almost without notice, even when just a short time ago they were driving us bonkers and we thought they'd never end). But it was pretty bad for a while. He was hitting his sister just about every day. And his big sister - 3 years his senior, several inches taller and over 10 pounds heavier - was scared of him hitting her. So, what's a peaceful parent to do? Thankfully, spanking has never been on my radar so that wasn't an option (and how much sense would that make in this situation - hitting my child to "teach" him to stop hitting!) But since I've fully accepted that the best route is not using any form of punishment at all, what did we do? (Appropriately, this is a phrase often uttered by my husband when conflict arises, "Mommy, what do we do?!" I believe that this is a good thing. Admitting that we don't always know what to do, breathing, listening, waiting {while keeping everyone safe} - are some of my favorite, most often used "tools".) In an ideal world I'm present enough to head off most incidents (before he took her head off, haha). When our children are in the midst of these difficult phases, it is our job to increase our vigilance. Also, I've already hit on (<--wow, I'm on a punny roll!) the idea that children will naturally grow out of most behaviors - given love and support. But sometimes we need to address behaviors in the moment - especially when the safety or well-being of any living thing is threatened. The way we address hitting after it has already happened was mainly with many (very short) talks. "Hitting isn't nice." "We don't hit." "Hitting hurts" and "Look, Marisol is crying, you hurt her." The key is to remain calm yourself and make clear that hitting is not acceptable. And I mean that about remaining calm - adding our frustration to the mix will never help our kids learn or grow. Even if you've been saying the same thing day after day for months, keeping your voice low and your body language open and loving is so important. As my high-school chemistry teacher, Doc, always said, "Repetition is the key to learning" (or one of them anyways!) Remember, it often takes us a long time to change our habits and behaviors - we shouldn't expect our kids to be any different. (Side note: be patient with yourself if remaining calm is something that *you* are learning to do. The first step is to notice when you're starting to feel agitated. Taking deep breaths is extremely helpful. With time and practice you will get better at it. And when you lose your patience you get to practice regaining your calm and apologizing - all great skills to model for our kids!) It's also been helpful that Marisol is increasing her independent, alone time. She's naturally sought out space and time away from her little brother. She goes to the basement to watch shows, hoop, and play with toys - often for hours - while Gerry and I hang out together on the main level. Not long ago she didn't like being "alone" for such a long time, but she's entered a new phase herself. The timing is perfect because Gerry is in a phase where I can't be out of his sight!  Can you believe that these two don't always get along perfectly? I mean look at those faces! I've also had a few moments of inspired action. One night after I didn't catch Gerry quickly enough and he had hit his sister, an idea hit me. "Gerry, do you want Marisol to play with you?" "Yes!!" he cried, his face crumpling. Now, I suppose there are people out there who may think he just "latched on" to this as an easy out. I don't think so. For one, he doesn't fear punishment so has no reason to "get out" of anything. Also he's never been dishonest with me. Also, often after I ask him this, Marisol and he start chasing each other and laughing and playing together. Since that night we remember to ask him when he starts getting rough, "Do you want to play? Ask her!" And he does. Sometimes she doesn't want to play and then we work through that. So my method for dealing with his hitting has been this: 1) Prevention whenever possible by: a) meeting their needs as much as possible for food, rest, exercise, and connection (FREC - meet their FRECin' needs - just made that up!) and b) being with them or having them separated when desired or necessary.  Click on the picture to head over to my Facebook page! 2) If I can't prevent: Physically remove Gerry if needed, check in with Marisol and console her as needed, short reminders to Gerry about hitting. Also trying to understand why he hit - if he wants to play, if he's mad or sad, or wants something she has. I'm also working on listening and being with one or both of them as needed before trying to "move on". I've noticed that when I'm uncomfortable with their emotions I often try to distract them by changing the subject or suggesting something fun to do. I've been doing better lately at biting my tongue to allow them time to get whatever they need to out of them. 3) I choose to believe in the goodness of my son. I can't emphasize enough how important this is. I actually believe I would have handled this a lot differently if Gerry was my first child. Marisol didn't really go through a hitting, pushing, grabbing or any-kind-of-physical phase. Gerry is benefiting a lot from my experience as a parent: because I believe it's best to parent without punishment, it's not an option. And, because I know in my heart that Gerry is the same sweet boy he has always been, I have actually not been frustrated or upset with him at all. I'm kind of amazed by that. Other thoughts: Marisol never expects me to punish Gerry because she doesn't get punished. She has said things like, "I can't wait for our birthdays. For my birthday I want Gerry to grow out of his hitting phase." Gerry has started to verbalize things better. He's really learning how to say things instead of using his body to express what he needs. Not just about hitting, but other behaviors too. The other day he said, "I won't drab (grab!) that toy" when one of our friends was playing with something of his. Even in the midst of this "phase" Marisol and Gerry would have fun together daily, playing and laughing. When they aren't getting along we work through it - sometimes by giving each other space. I'd love to hear others' experiences with parenting without punishing. What have you found that works? Or if you have questions, please ask!  ***
Visit Living Peacefully with Children and Authentic Parenting to find out how you can participate in next month’s Authentic Parenting Blog Carnival, when we discuss self-love! Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants: (This list will be live and updated by afternoon April 26 with all the carnival links.)
This thought has been in my mind for a while. And the longer it sits the more I know it is true: My choices about how to parent my kids are more about me than they will ever be about them. This may sound wrong. It may come off as selfish. But it is the truth. How many times have we heard how "resilient" kids are? How they can adapt to so many different situations, environments, and people? How about people that like to say, "well I was parented in x, y, or z manner, and *I* turned out 'fine'!" How important is it that we really think about this parenting stuff? I mean why stress about it too much if they are probably going to more or less turn out ok - regardless of my specific parenting philosophy? There is some merit in this line of thinking - it is good to keep perspective. When I was a teacher and things were getting heavy, I had to remind myself not to take myself too seriously. I wasn't responsible for saving the world or single-handedly turning my students' lives around. There are so many factors that contribute to life. So the bottom line is that we do our best. That's it. This is how I came to the conclusion that my parenting is really all about me. What kind of person *I* am in this moment. What kind of person I aspire to be in my best moments. Now, when I say "do our best" this is no small thing. Doing our best means dedicating ourselves to always improving ourselves. To being the best example we can be. To finding ways to be present and loving every day. To improving our communication skills with our loved ones. To apologizing when we fall short. Because we will fall short. But that is to be expected, because doing our best will never mean that we are perfect. So the question is, what are you going to do when faced with the inevitable? What kind of human being are you going to *choose* to be? Our focus has to shift. Instead of defining our parenting by what our children are doing, we need to define it by what *we* are doing. When we raise the standards for ourselves, our children will naturally rise with us. This is how we will change the world together. This is how a new way will be defined. This is how peace will begin to spread from one mama and papa at a time to their children, and then outwards through the world.  We're scared of giving kids what they want. We think they need to learn the lesson, "you can't always get what you want." I'm not sure why we think they won't learn this on their own. Kids are smart. In our culture of advertising and stuff on top of stuff on top of more stuff, I'm pretty sure they're very aware that they can't always get what they want. I know my daughter is. She feels it keenly. And it's not always about money. Sometimes kids want the pink plate. Sometimes they want to be barefoot in the park (and this is probably good for them! Check this out about "grounding" or earthing"). Sometimes they want to wear the same Lightning McQueen shirt for weeks on end. And why would someone have to say no to any of those things? Why are we scared to give our kids what they want? We fear that if we give them too much or say yes too many times to too many requests, then we're creating... spoiled brats or entitled, self-centered, greedy monsters. But consider this: why would our children not learn about generosity from us giving freely to them? And also, how will you ever know if you don't try?  What's wrong with wearing the same shirt day in and day out? It looks fine, doesn't smell, AND it saves mom a lot of laundry! I'm not talking about giving stuff to kids as rewards or as a way to make up for not being able to spend time with them here. I'm talking about genuinely taking an interest in your child's desires. Maybe it is a new toy - a toy that you feel you don't need in your already toy-ladened house. But maybe your child just needs to hear you say, "wow, that is an awesome toy!" Or maybe they need a plan in place to save up for it. Maybe you can surprise them with it. Gerry loves to watch You-tube videos on our phones. Some of his favorites are the toy-review videos - especially of cars and trucks. He has seen a LOT of cool toys on those videos. And yes, he says he wants them. (Actually tonight what he said was that he wanted to "borrow it for Christmas" Love that boy!) Do I need to bluntly tell him that he can't have that right now? Nope. I can talk with him about how cool they are and that he wants them and really that's about the extent of it. Marisol has had an allowance since she was a little over 4 years old. We have had different systems that have changed over time for her saving up for toys, for us paying for part or not, and she loves to add things to our Amazon wish list. Sometimes it's tiring for me. I mean it wears on me always hearing about all the stuff she wants. But you know what? I remember feeling that way - at a much older age too. I told her about how when I was a teen (or pre-teen, not exactly sure how old I was) I felt like there were SOOO many amazing CDs out there that I wanted. I actually felt overwhelmed because there was no way I could ever get them all - and this thought was a little depressing (don't judge, I also thought about world hunger for hours on end while I picked rocks on our family golf course... the mind of a teen is very agile - or perhaps I was already a sperm whale even back then). When I connect with remembering that feeling, I can empathize with my daughter and move from a place of love. We plan and shop around. She changes her mind 20 times a day about what she wants to get next. She spends her whole week's allowance on the extras on "free" iPhone apps. And you know what, she is learning so much. She already talks about the value of toys and what *she* thinks they should cost. She already shows remarkable generosity at times with her friends - both in lending her things and in buying them gifts. And at Disney World last month we had no issues at all with all of the "stuff" and gift shops - she got one tiny stuffed animal from a game and a T-shirt. But if she had wanted more that would have been fine too! The point is to accept your kids where they are and in time they will amaze you. Right now, I'm realizing that I want to be more generous with her so she feels that to her core. The allowance has been a wonderful tool that we continue to use - but I also want to surprise here with cool things - just because I love her. So we did this month - with a baby bike seat for her dolls on her bike! How cool is that? I was so excited to get it and give it to her! My question to myself right now is, "how generous can I be?"  Is this not one of the cutest things you've ever seen? You know what I want? I want the world to be a better place for my kids. I want World Peace. I want an amazing community to raise my children in. I want to feel loved and cherished and supported. If someone had spent the better part of my childhood telling me I can't always have what I want, guess what? I might think that I can't have those things, that I'm not worthy of them, and that it's not even worth trying for them because they aren't possible.
No thank you. I want my kids to strive for the things they want and to know that I will support them to the best of my abilities as they do so. And if right now that means helping them get the newest Lightning McQueen toy, his blue cup, the coolest American girl accessory, and time with her best girl friend, well that's fine by me. I know that someday they are going to want even bigger and better things. And I can't wait to see what they are. Do you struggle with getting your kids "stuff"? Is it difficult to find a comfortable place between needs and wants, generosity and practicality? What would if feel like to encourage your kid to go after things they want? Those three little words (well four if you count the contraction!) have been ringing in my mind for quite some time now - well over a year, if not a few years. (I even thought that they made a nice book title, but then later decided it was too negative.) These words were always a little bit snarky and self-righteous, like duh, come on people get over yourself! But now that they are finally begging to be let loose, they don't even feel that way anymore. They feel heart-felt and a little bit bruised, like a truth that got a little banged up on its way to the world. Of course, intellectually we know that kids are a lot of work. I remember worrying before Marisol was born if I'd really be able to take care of a baby. And if people knew what raising children truly entails, many more people would choose not to have children. I think many people (like me) just instinctually *want* children and don't give it much more thought. They trust that they will know what to do at the right time. Then of course there are many people that don't really *plan* to have kids, but, well - here they are! Actually, probably people that actively choose NOT to have kids have given the most thought to their decision. And I'm sure this factors into their thought process; they know that kids AREN'T convenient. But our culture tries to make them convenient. We try to train them to sleep (or not sleep!) when we want them to. We believe that punishments and rewards will mold their behavior into what we want it to be. We fear if we don't control them (what they eat, who they hang out with, what TV they watch, what games they play and on and on) that they will "turn out" the wrong way. We try to put them into neat little boxes so that our lives can mostly carry on in the way we had imagined for ourselves before we had kids. But kids are not here for us. They are not here for us to re-live or un-live our own childhoods. They are not blank slates for us to write stories on. They are not here to fill our needs and they are not lumps of earth-clay for us to mold. Here's what we didn't realize: Kids are real, whole people. They come wired with their own unique personalities. They all have their own opinions (some stronger than others) from the moment they are born (maybe even before! Marisol gave me a strong kick in the ribs once when I bent over on her while pregnant! I should have known then what I was getting into.) They sleep when they are ready and tired - often not when we expect or want them to. They are ultimately the ones in control of what they eat and when, even if we may try to be for a while. Sometimes you will make breakfast only to have eggs returned to you because you absentmindedly cracked pepper into them, (what can you say, you were in the flow!) and your daughter wants, "no pepper!" So you will sigh inwardly and make more eggs - because you know that *is* how she likes them, and you were the one who screwed up. (This may or may not have happened here this morning.) Kids will sometimes be nervous or scared of things you don't think they should be. You may spend a LOT of money to take them to the world's most amazing amusement park only to have them nap in the stroller or ride the merry-go-round multiple times (the very same one they could have ridden for a couple of bucks at your local park or mall). They will need you when you feel like you have nothing left to give. They will express big emotions at inconvenient times (in front of others, right as you are ready to head out the door for an appointment, while you are trying to cook dinner). No, kids AREN'T convenient. But they *are* a lot of other really, REALLY wonderful things.  On Facebook? Click on this picture to head over to my page and share this picture! Yes, they are hungry. They are hungry ALL. THE. TIME. And this can get tiring. But our attention, love, and nurturing pays off - for us and for them.
Because the good news is that kids more than make up for anything we might have once considered an inconvenience. If we can shift our mindset we will see that we never really wanted or needed "convenient". If we open our eyes, our ears, and our hearts, we will begin to learn more from them than we could ever possibly "teach" them. We may even learn that we want things we never dreamed of wanting! And this shift in perception is what is really key. How you perceive your children will affect them (and you, and your relationship) - right now and for the rest of their lives. Because you can pick almost any word up there and put a negative spin on it - if you choose to. Creative? Well, yes creative can be messy. Energetic can be hyper or out of control. Imaginative could be unfocused. Curious can be downright annoying. But is that what you really think of your child? And is that how you want them to think of themselves? Would you rather that they KNOW how they want their eggs, or would it be better if they were like the woman in the movie Runaway Bride, who didn't even know how she liked her eggs because she was always such a people(man)-pleaser that she said, "ok" to whatever was given to her? Bottom line: kids are life changing no matter what. They should be! And change is rarely "convenient". Change can also be uncomfortable, but with a little mind-bending it's as likely to be invigorating and life affirming! It's how we deal with the change that makes all the difference. And if you let your kids, they will guide you on your biggest, best life adventure yet. So we went to Disney World the last week in February. To see our Disney adventures in pictures head over to my other blog, Everyday Adventures. Before we went I considered asking friends for any advice on "doing Disney". I have several friends on Facebook in particular who I know have been multiple times, so they really know the "ins and outs" of the parks. But my procrastination paid off this time and I never got around to it. Instead we just did our normal thing. Show up. Follow the fun. Stop when we got tired. Our version of "Go with the Flow". Here are the major things that helped us stay in our flow while visiting the most magical and possibly stressful places on earth: 1) The first major decision you have to make regarding Disney is what time to get up the first day (and every other day). Do you want to get up at the break of dawn so you can be at the gates when they open? Nope, not us. We opted to wake up naturally whenever that may be (we were still at my parents' place the first day, and had an hour+ drive to get to our hotel too). We actually were in the car by around 9 am which for us is VERY early - that alone shows you how excited our kids were. But we had to go to the Animal Kingdom Lodge where we were sleeping for two nights to check in and get our passes first. So we did that, found our room (which the kids loved!) and then eventually made our way to the park (it took some convincing to get our kids out of the hotel! They thought it was cool enough to stay and explore for a while!) Our first day also happened to be rainy, so I'm EXTRA glad that we didn't try to "maximize" our time in the park because it wouldn't have been worth it. As it was, there was one big downpour while we were there and then it cleared up. We had a very low stress, fun afternoon. And the park closed after the 5 pm Nemo show so we headed back to our hotel where we were able to enjoy the outdoor movie showing by the pool (Brave was on that night, one of our favorites!), Marisol swam and went in the kid-friendly hot-tub, and Gerry played on the playground. Perfect first day, even with rain. I would so much rather be rested than miserable trying to get my "money's worth". One woman told us there horror story of getting up at 4 am to fly to Orlando then taking the screaming kids to the park. She was still reliving that first day at the end of their trip. Our earliest day at the parks was the second day at the Magic Kingdom, but we still took our time. The last day we didn't get to Hollywood Studios until almost noon because we had to check out of our room first. 2) Know when to push it and when to back off. Gerry was tired and overwhelmed a lot. I brought our ergo carrier and was able to carry him and have him nap on me every afternoon. But until he napped he was pretty much not his usual happy self (aka: a mess!) The first ride I took him on at the Magic Kingdom was "It's a Small World". We went on with my mom - he was NOT happy about it as we got in line. But I put him in the carrier and nursed him while we waited, and when our turn came he happily got on the boat and LOVED it. Later, he didn't want to go on the Peter Pan ride and we didn't push it because it was obvious it wasn't the time (plus we only had 3 fast passes, so Marisol, Mike, and Grandma went.) Towards dinner time on our second day the kids were tired and Mike was ready to head back to the hotel. I could tell my mom was a little bummed we didn't get a few more things in. But I agreed to heading back and calling it a day. On our walk we came across the Swiss Family Robinson Tree House and both kids wanted to climb it - I think Gerry was just waking up too, and running up and down the stairs and jumping was the perfect activity to revive him! After that we ended up doing a couple more rides and having dinner! In fact we outlasted my mom and stayed for the fireworks! It was the perfect example of going with the flow - there were no arguments or hurt feelings, we just did what felt right and actually ended up staying a lot longer! 3) Listen to your kids. On day 3 we went to Hollywood studios. Marisol REALLY wanted to do the "Tower of Terror" ride. I thought the kids would enjoy going to a cafe for lunch with characters. We stopped by the cafe first to find out how we could get in. We could have gone in with only a short wait - about 15 minutes - right then. If we waited we were going to run into the lunch rush and they weren't taking any more reservations. Because we knew that Marisol had her heart set on the ride we opted to do the ride first, even though it didn't make as much sense to my adult minds. The good news was they only had to wait 20 minutes for the ride. After, both kids happily waited 45 minutes for a seat at the cafe and LOVED seeing the characters. (And who knows, if we had done the opposite order the ride line might have been a lot longer - and we might have all been grumpy!) Later, Gerry and I waited at least least a half an hour to see Lightning McQueen and Mater from "Cars". I was so excited for him - and of course I wanted a picture of him with his favorites! When we got up there he did NOT want a picture though. And I didn't push it - he got what he wanted, to touch Lightning. And I got some pictures without him. (Plus I *did* get a couple pictures of him with some other favorites earlier - Handy Manny AND Jake the Pirate!) Of course we had our "moments". The morning we went to the Magic Kingdom was probably the most stressful, with longer lines, more people and a mix-up at a fast pass station. But overall I was really happy with our time at Disney and impressed with how well we stayed in our flow. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I just love Disney shows! They are always so good and their messages so wonderful - even (especially??) for adults. This clip is from the Nemo show at the Animal Kingdom. You have to watch this turtle sing about going with the flow - it's so beautiful. And he gives some great parenting advice too ;-) Here are the words from the song transcribed by moi:
Dude, you have traveled far.. You must be swimming under a lucky star! You're exactly where you're meant to be... So grab some shell and surf the EAC with me! Go with the Flow! Go with the Flow! Go with the Flow! Don't be a high-strung fellow, Kick back and keep it mellow, oh, oh oh, Go with the Flow! Kill the motor dude, Why don't you take it slow? Let us see how quirt does flying solo. Squirt: Dad, did you see what I did?? "You so totally rocked it Squirt! You're such an amazing kid!" It's awesome, they're eggs on a beach, then coo-coo ka choo - they find their own way back to the Big ol' Blude Marlin: All by themselves? But what if they're not ready? I mean - How do you know?? Well you never really know... But if they're ever gunna grow Then you gotta let 'em go, ya know! Just go with the flow... We've been on a really, really strange sleep bender around here. (ok, when I say we, I really mean Gerry. But he takes me for the ride too!) Mostly I'm really proud of myself for how I've been dealing. But sometimes I forget how much of a toll it's taking on me. For example, sometimes I get what seems like "enough" sleep, but our hours are kind of all over the place and then when I'm tired I don't understand why! (Like today, Gerry went to sleep a little after 1 am last night... but then we were in bed till 9 am - not so bad in number of hours. But our schedule - haha, that word just made me laugh - has been so wacky lately I think it just catches up to me). So, anyways - today. I'm going to try and focus on that. (I did just have my glass of wine too though, so focus is kinda hard right now.) I actually got showered and dressed before 11 (this is pretty unusual around here) and then Marisol requested to go outside (also unusual). We somehow convinced Gerry to go out and it was really nice out - sunny and quite warm compared to what it has been. The kids flitted from activity to activity - we were probably only out for around an hour, but they each did at least 3-4 different things. I'm so grateful to have that huge outdoor space and the luxury or running back and forth to get different toys/clothes/sports gear when they want it. Back inside I got everyone a decent lunch and made zucchini bread. Then I realized how tired I was. And that we had to start gearing up for dance class soon. Oh boy. So I knew that now was the time to forget the pile of dishes in the sink, of clothes waiting to be folded, and toys on the floor. Now was the time to rest. Not long ago I might have pushed through and tried to get some things done since the kids were happily watching their respective TV shows. And usually those are the times I end up getting really burned out. Today I decided I needed to rest a bit before heading out (I took some time to take this picture of myself first though, haha).  Poking fun at myself a little here. How come we sometimes know the exact right thing to say to our best friends, but then don't do the things we tell them to do! Today I I took my own advice and some time to rest while listening to a meditation. When it was time to go I gathered us up in record time. Marisol was fairly cooperative getting her dance clothes on. Gerry was a mess (remember the 1 am bedtime?) He wanted "muk" and he did NOT want to leave. So I empathized with him the best I could and got us all out to the car as quickly as I could. I strapped my poor, crying boy into his seat. It only took two extra trips inside (grabbing the house key off the bunch connected to the key already in the ignition) - one for Gerry's socks and a stroller and another trip for a movie for Marisol (we had negotiations regarding iPhone use - big sister was very generous and agreed to using a DVD player).
I joked as we pulled out that I forgot my sunglasses and should I run inside one more time? Marisol and I agreed that no, one more time would be a bit ridiculous. But it was very sunny with perfect blue, cloudless skies. Gerry's crying subsided and I dispensed snacks and water bottles as I drove (I wonder if there have been any studies on accident rates of mothers). A few minutes into the drive she requested headphones - I didn't have any. I turned my music down (how I can listen to music with two other devices blaring behind me is another mystery - I guess it's a talent of mine.) I requested that Gerry turn his down and after refusing a couple of times he said, "Otay, I turn mine down". Peace resumed. Then about half way to dance class Marisol started making small, discontented noises. The sun was TOO bright and was interfering with her view of "Brave". I made a quick decision to pull into a gas station parking lot. I found a pink re-usable shopping cart and lowered her window, just a crack. Twisting from the front seat I slid part of the bag out the crack, yelling when I got a leg cramp, then I managed to roll the window back up. At this point I was congratulating myself on my wonderful mommy performance. I'd been understanding, gentle, and empathetic with Gerry when he didn't want to leave but decisive enough to get us out the door. I was being flexible and patient in the car and really listening to the kids. Thoughts about self-love also ran through my mind and how, if I hadn't been able to be all those things, that would have been ok too. I mean everyone has their limits! Marisol's improvised sun-shade seemed to help, but a few minutes before arrival Marisol started complaining about the sun again. This time I told her, "almost there." Gerry's eyes closed one minute before we pulled into the parking lot. Good thing I remembered the stroller! I parked and then started to gather our things. I opened Marisol's door and this is when something happened - she was cold or upset that she hadn't seen much of her movie, "You can watch more on the way home," I said from the back of the car, pulling the stroller out. But all of a sudden Marisol decided she didn't want to go in. I tried to be matter of fact - we just drove all the way here, we are going in - besides she would have fun, I just knew it! But the crying continued and my frustration mounted. My limit was quickly speeding towards me. Gerry woke up somewhere in there and he didn't want to get out either. I admitted defeat but not without throwing my own tantrum - slamming doors and the stroller back in, then raising my voice with some not-so-nice words thrown towards my distraught daughter. I looked at the clock. We were already 15 minutes late. We talked more and Marisol agreed to try to go in - but requested a couple of minutes to calm down. Heart melting a bit, I said, "Of course!" (How wise children are.) She climbed up front and sat on my lap. We talked more and I apologized for yelling. Ultimately, she never calmed down. Her legs were tired (a very late bedtime the night before didn't help, and we talked about that too) and she just wasn't up for dancing. In my frustration I talked about quitting again (we've been struggling with dance class lately) but although when pressured she says, "fine!" neither one of us really want to quit - we already paid for her costume AND she really wants to do the recital (so do I!) I wanted to try and go to the grocery store at least, but Gerry was refusing to get out of the car, so I gave up. Homeward bound we were. My sweet girl and I talked more - "I love you Mommy," she said and I said sorry again. Eyes watering she said, "I understand why you were frustrated though." Oh my heart hurt. She's so beautiful. So I focused on the good parts: 1) Gerry's nap had been limited to a couple of minutes, this was VERY good news (and yes, he slept from 7:30 last night till 7:45 this morning, yay sleep!) 2) We had gotten out of the house - and it was a BEAUTIFUL day! 3) Marisol and I talked - about getting to bed at a decent hour, and more importantly I got to say the words, "You are more important to me than dance class. You are more important to me than money." 4) Although I reached my limit and didn't behave in the best way, I also turned things around quickly my kids got to see me apologize and ask for forgiveness. The funny thing is, I was so tired before we left. But I thought we were going to push through - maybe my intuition was trying to tell me something and I wasn't listening? I don't know. But there you have it. Our day yesterday (I started writing last night, hence, the "today" at the beginning of this post and the "yesterday" now. Confusing I know, but I feel like leaving it this way with a long explanation...) I know this was long, but I'm glad to record these moments on our journey. And, my new affirmations are going to include things like, "My ability to love and listen is always expanding" because it's true - my limits keep getting pushed out by my kids. And I love and thank them for that. Have you ever noticed that right when you start congratulating yourself, Life likes to deliver a small piece of humble pie? I'd love to hear some of your choppy moments! It seems like whenever I write about sleep or taking care of oneself or how parenting isn't really *that* difficult my kids like to help me put my money where my mouth is. They're cool like that. This past weekend Gerry woke up Saturday and Sunday in the wee hours of the morning (think 2-3 am) and stayed up for several hours. The second time I had stayed up to write and had barely gotten to sleep when he woke up. He didn't go back to sleep until 6:30 am so that night I basically pulled an all-nighter with a couple doses of dozing in there. Believe it or not the past few days weren't that bad though. I've learned a lot about dealing with sleep deprivation the past 6 years!
This post is mostly aimed at parents of babies and young children. A lot of the suggestions are more for stay-at-home moms (or dads), but some may be adaptable or applicable to working parents too. Without further ado, here are 15 Things To Do When You're Sleep Deprived: 1) Maintain your coffee/caffeine intake at the same level as usual (I try to stick to my normal 1 cup in the morning) This way you will be able to rest when the moments arrive and you will feel better too (I don't like that jittery feeling I get with too much caffeine). 2) Shower and get dressed early. It will make you feel more awake and able to tackle your day. Or stay in your jammies and enjoy the fact that you can. Either way works. 3) Try to get out of the house early - go to a friend's house, the playground, or take a walk. Nothing too ambitious, just something to get you moving. If it's nice outside fresh air is especially helpful. Getting together with friends is an automatic spirit-lifter too. 4) If you don't have enough energy to get out, don't beat yourself up about it. Remind yourself that you need and deserve rest. Call your mom or a friend if you can't see someone in person. 5) If you have small children and are trying to get rest, lie down on the couch with them while they watch a show (or two!) If you cuddle with them they may not even notice your eyes are closed. 6) Listen to a meditation track on earphones while you "rest your eyes" (I have a few on my iPhone). A 15-20 minute meditation often leaves you feeling refreshed, sometimes even better than a long nap! 7) Play Music (I have nothing to add to this one.) 8) Have a nice, hot, cup of tea in the afternoon. My favorite right now is peppermint which is good for your digestion but it also can make you feel more alert. 9) Use of essential oils - I like to breathe in some peppermint for alertness too! If you have a headache some lavender is nice on your temples. 10) Make sure to play with your kids early and often in the day. If they have your focused attention early on, they will be more likely to accept you need some rest later in the day when you need it more. 11) Instead of focusing on how little sleep you got (recounting exactly how many hours, what time you were up and for how long etc.) give yourself positive affirmations that you will get the rest you need. 12) Make sure you go to bed earlier than usual when it's possible. If your kids are actually asleep at a decent hour go to sleep when they do and DON'T STAY UP TO BLOG... er, I mean stay up doing whatever it is *you* do late at night ;-) 13) Make sure you eat well - healthy, real, and immune boosting foods (I'm thinking garlic here... mmm garlic). Homemade chicken soup is good, and if you're lucky like me your husband or someone else who loves you might make you some. But keep food simple - especially for the kids. Leftovers, fresh fruit and veggies, frozen food, and if you are really desperate anything in a box. Again, do not stress about exactly what you are feeding your kids - some days you're just trying to get through the best you can! 14) Slow down as much as you can and release all expectations. Let go of accomplishing housework, cooking, your latest project etc. If your kids are tired too (which often happens) they probably need your presence more. Just be. Play games or watch shows together. Shower or take a bath together. Cook together. Nap together. I think you get the idea. 15) Remember all the times you've made it through tiredness and became rested again. As I wrote this I was struck by how many overlapped with my list of things to do to lift your mood when you feel depressed. Also this could be a list of things to do when you're sick and you're home with your kids too! A lot of these things are great things to do every day but when I'm tired they are even more important. And the more habitual these things are, the easier they are to do and remember when you really need them! Do you have any tips you can add to my list? What helps you get through your tiredest days? The phrase "Me Time" irritates me. It seems like such a selfish term: "Me Time". In my opinion this mentality pits you against anyone getting in the way of you getting your "Me Time". Usually the people "competing" with your "Me Time" are your closest loved ones - for moms, most often their children. I'm not suggesting that we don't take care of ourselves. And goodness knows many women and mothers have reputations for putting others' needs ahead of their own far too often. But if I've learned anything as a mother, it is that the more I can be creative, flexible, and kind, the more likely everyone's needs will get met. In my personal experience, "Me Time" mentality makes me rigid - as in: I have this idea in my head about how I'm going to get some time and space to myself and gosh-darn-it, I want my "Me Time" now, and if I don't get it then NONE of us are going to be happy! (hmmm, I wonder where that phrase, "If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy, came from?! Guess we kinda created that doozy ourselves!) This "Me Time" idea is so common now that everyone knows what it means. To me it is a "band-aid" solution to a deeper problem in our culture. For example when we get "Me Time" we often end up just wanting more. I have two theories about why this happens: 1) We didn't really respect others' needs while trying to get our "Me Time" and so when we are back to "Not-Me-Time" everyone is out of sorts. This leads us to feel like we need to get away... AGAIN. AND NOW! And/Or 2) Because we've put our own needs off for so long waiting for special "Me-Time" when we get it, it isn't nearly enough! So I propose a new paradigm (I like new paradigms). We need to start cultivating a true, deep, and constant Self-Love for ourselves. When we do this we will start to have better Self-Care. Self-care means taking care of your needs all the time, or at least as soon as you can. It means taking loving care of your body by taking the time to spruce up, feeding yourself nourishing foods, and moving (If this sounds like a fancier version of New Year's resolutions, I promise you it's not. When true Self-Love is nourished, you will start doing these things automatically). Self-care is getting enough rest and slowing down -when you are feeling tired, before you get sick. Self-care is connecting with your loved ones every day in ways that are meaningful to each individual, and thriving on the energy this creates. It means if you need time and space to yourself, you work to create it in ways that respects others' needs for you to be around - because they love you and depend on you for comfort and security. This may sound the same as what you think of as "Me Time" - but in my experience they are not. They are vastly different philosophies. I know some people are impressed with my ability to go without "Me Time" (are you annoyed with that phrase yet?!) - but it's really not that remarkable and I know others, like me, who spend almost all their time with their kids. I've learned to adapt and meet my needs in ways that don't usually require separation. And, as my kids get older I am getting more time to myself. It's actually one of my things on my list of 12 - a date with myself (got that from the book The Artist's Way). So please, do take care of yourself. But do it in a way that not only nourishes you, but those around you - it's way more fulfilling and instead of your energy getting quickly zapped to nothing again, you will be revitalized to the point of having your energy overflow. LOVE YOURSELF, it's good for you and everyone around you. ps If you like or use the phrase "Me Time" I still like you. I just don't like the phrase. :-) pps I'm not REALLY irritated... because that wouldn't be very ZEN of me, would it? It's more like the phrase causes slight ripples on the smooth as glass water surface of my mind (is anyone else laughing yet?!), and then I look at the ripples with interest and curiosity. Do you have a story about when you tried to get some "Me Time" and it didn't work out the way you were envisioning? Or how about a time when you were creative about meeting your needs and felt great about how you handled things?  Marisol and I at her first wedding. She's 8 months old. We had a great time! |
Click on the image to get your free Vitamin C Get Started guide that answers all of these questions and get on my RiseUP with Susan May email list!
Susan MayWife, mom, information and peace seeker. Categories
All
Archives
November 2023
|
RSS Feed
