Hitting and Peaceful Parenting

Welcome to the April 2013 Authentic Parenting Blog Carnival: Peaceful Parenting Applied

This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Authentic Parenting Blog Carnival hosted by Authentic Parenting and Living Peacefully with Children. This month our participants have written about Peaceful Parenting Applied. We hope you enjoy this month’s posts and consider joining us next month when we share about Self Love.

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It's easy to be a "peaceful parent" when our children are happy, engaged, getting along and just generally behaving in a way that we like. But what about the rest of the time? Well, that is when we actually get to put our peaceful-lovin' selves to practice. And it can be challenging to put our money where our mouths are - when we are being triggered, feeling strong emotions ourselves, and generally wishing that things were different in the moment. (<-- These are all reasons why our first priority needs to be working on ourselves and our reactions so we can best support and guide our children.) 

I tend to get stuck in the philosophical when I write. I love to climb up on my soapbox and wax about kindness and "being the change" we want to see in the world. But sometimes it's more helpful to give concrete examples and a window into our homes about how this actually looks day to day. We need inspiration AND we need practical, hands-on tips.


My beloved, sweet 3 year-old boy is mostly through a hitting phase that has lasted for quite a few months (and even now as I type this, I'm JUST realizing - wow, it hasn't been so bad lately! *That's* what I'm talking about - these things fade almost without notice, even when just a short time ago they were driving us bonkers and we thought they'd never end). But it was pretty bad for a while. He was hitting his sister just about every day. And his big sister - 3 years his senior, several inches taller and over 10 pounds heavier - was scared of him hitting her. 


So, what's a peaceful parent to do? Thankfully, spanking has never been on my radar so that wasn't an option (and how much sense would that make in this situation - hitting my child to "teach" him to stop hitting!) But since I've fully accepted that the best route is not using any form of punishment at all, what did we do? (Appropriately, this is a phrase often uttered by my husband when conflict arises, "Mommy, what do we do?!" I believe that this is a good thing. Admitting that we don't always know what to do, breathing, listening, waiting {while keeping everyone safe} - are some of my favorite, most often used "tools".) 

In an ideal world I'm present enough to head off most incidents (before he took her head off, haha). When our children are in the midst of these difficult phases, it is our job to increase our vigilance. 

Also, I've already hit on (<--wow, I'm on a punny roll!) the idea that children will naturally grow out of most behaviors - given love and support. But sometimes we need to address behaviors in the moment - especially when the safety or well-being of any living thing is threatened.  The way we address hitting after it has already happened was mainly with many (very short) talks. "Hitting isn't nice." "We don't hit." "Hitting hurts" and "Look, Marisol is crying, you hurt her." The key is to remain calm yourself and make clear that hitting is not acceptable. And I mean that about remaining calm - adding our frustration to the  mix will never help our kids learn or grow. Even if you've been saying the same thing day after day for months, keeping your voice low and your body language open and loving is so important. As my high-school chemistry teacher, Doc, always said, "Repetition is the key to learning" (or one of them anyways!) Remember, it often takes us a long time to change our habits and behaviors - we shouldn't expect our kids to be any different. 

(Side note: be patient with yourself if remaining calm is something that *you* are learning to do. The first step is to notice when you're starting to feel agitated. Taking deep breaths is extremely helpful. With time and practice you will get better at it. And when you lose your patience you get to practice regaining your calm and apologizing - all great skills to model for our kids!)

It's also been helpful that Marisol is increasing her independent, alone time. She's naturally sought out space and time away from her little brother. She goes to the basement to watch shows, hoop, and play with toys - often for hours - while Gerry and I hang out together on the main level. Not long ago she didn't like being "alone" for such a long time, but she's entered a new phase herself. The timing is perfect because Gerry is in a phase where I can't be out of his sight!

Can you believe that these two don't always get along perfectly? I mean look at those faces!

I've also had a few moments of inspired action. One night after I didn't catch Gerry quickly enough and he had hit his sister, an idea hit me. "Gerry, do you want Marisol to play with you?" "Yes!!" he cried, his face crumpling.


Now, I suppose there are people out there who may think he just "latched on" to this as an easy out. I don't think so. For one, he doesn't fear punishment so has no reason to "get out" of anything. Also he's never been dishonest with me. Also, often after I ask him this, Marisol and he start chasing each other and laughing and playing together.


Since that night we remember to ask him when he starts getting rough, "Do you want to play? Ask her!" And he does. Sometimes she doesn't want to play and then we work through that. 


So my method for dealing with his hitting has been this:


1) Prevention whenever possible by: a) meeting their needs as much as possible for food, rest, exercise, and connection (FREC - meet their FRECin' needs - just made that up!) and b) being with them or having them separated when desired or necessary.

Click on the picture to head over to my Facebook page!

2) If I can't prevent: Physically remove Gerry if needed, check in with Marisol and console her as needed, short reminders to Gerry about hitting. Also trying to understand why he hit - if he wants to play, if he's mad or sad, or wants something she has. 

I'm also working on listening and being with one or both of them as needed before trying to "move on". I've noticed that when I'm uncomfortable with their emotions I often try to distract them by changing the subject or suggesting something fun to do. I've been doing better lately at biting my tongue to allow them time to get whatever they need to out of them.  

3) I choose to believe in the goodness of my son. I can't emphasize enough how important this is. I actually believe I would have handled this a lot differently if Gerry was my first child. Marisol didn't really go through a hitting, pushing, grabbing or any-kind-of-physical phase. Gerry is benefiting a lot from my experience as a parent: because I believe it's best to parent without punishment, it's not an option. And, because I know in my heart that Gerry is the same sweet boy he has always been, I have actually not been frustrated or upset with him at all. I'm kind of amazed by that. 

Other thoughts:

Marisol never expects me to punish Gerry because she doesn't get punished. She has said things like, "I can't wait for our birthdays. For my birthday I want Gerry to grow out of his hitting phase."


Gerry has started to verbalize things better. He's really learning how to say things instead of using his body to express what he needs. Not just about hitting, but other behaviors too. The other day he said, "I won't drab (grab!) that toy" when one of our friends was playing with something of his.


Even in the midst of this "phase" Marisol and Gerry would have  fun together daily, playing and laughing. When they aren't getting along we work through it - sometimes by giving each other space.


I'd love to hear others' experiences with parenting without punishing. What have you found that works? Or if you have questions, please ask!  

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Visit Living Peacefully with Children and Authentic Parenting to find out how you can participate in next month’s Authentic Parenting Blog Carnival, when we discuss self-love!

Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

(This list will be live and updated by afternoon April 26 with all the carnival links.)

 

• Dealing with Whining Compassionately - Mandy at Living Peacefully with Children discusses ways to deal with whining when it is getting on your nerves.
• Peaceful Parenting in the Light of Big Emotions – Laura from Authentic Parenting wonders how to resist being swept away from the storm of emotions in a sensitive child.
• How a peaceful parent speaks -Will the truth set you free? Shonnie at Heart-Led Parenting tells how being truthful (and more) in the way she talks to and about her daughter has helped create more peace and joy in her home.
• To Sleep, Perchance to Sleep - Mercedes at Project Procrastinot expounds on the difficulties of sleeping when you’ve got new twins by your side.
• Hitting and Peaceful Parenting - Susan May at Together Walking writes about her son’s recent “hitting phase” and how they were able to navigate it without punishing him.
• Peaceful parenting in action: the importance of realistic expectations - Tat from Mum in search shares a few examples of how knowing what to expect from your children can make your day a whole lot more enjoyable.
• Success Through Encouragement - At The Squishable Baby, Lisa discusses how she helps her child be successful through encouragement.

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