I just had a total epiphany. I've realized that the dissonance I've been feeling about this blog is that I want to inspire others AND I don't want to make others feel bad (Yes, they are two different things). I feel like if I write so much about how amazing life is and how wonderful people are and how we can change the world with our powerful minds, people will react in a few ways - 1) They may be inspired (I hope!) 2) They may think, holy cow, Susan's goofy! or 3) Geez, she's really high over there - what's wrong with me? How come I don't feel like that?
So I can deal with people thinking I'm crazy. And I adore the idea of inspiring others. But the thought that I actually might make people feel bad about themselves or their lives is just really a downer for me. I think that is why when I came up with the idea of posting twice per week, it seemed like a good idea to have an "Inspiration" theme and a "Keeping it real" theme. In this way there would be some balance and people would see that I'm a real, *imperfect* person. Yes, I do have some pretty lofty goals and idealistic notions, but I'm no better than anyone else. (And don't forget the actual lofty purpose of it all - to get me to consistently write twice a week! These "themes" were more a primer than anything.) But even after one week of posting a "Confession" on a Friday I was already rethinking this tactic. I jokingly commented that I may have had a meltdown that day just to create material to write about. I'm not saying that is actually what I did, but the more I see how my mind creates my reality, the less far-fetched it is sounding. Last week I talked about Judgment (without an "e" - thanks Mom!) again, and you know what? I found myself judging again this week.
The other thing I noticed about these two "Opposite Categories" is that they really aren't opposite. I can take almost any experience and see how it can transform my life or awaken a new awareness in me. After I judged this week, it was tempting to berate myself - why is it so hard to be the person I want to be? I have all of these inspirational writings and people flooding my awareness and I *still* say unkind things. Perfectionism. Another topic to be tackled at a future time. Instead I chose to love myself in spite of my insecurities and imperfections. To say in my mind over and over, "I approve of myself."
And really this isn't a "balance" I want in my life - 50% inspiring and 50% oops, I F*@$ed up again. I want it to be more like 90/10 or even 99/1, goshdarnit! And really that is how I'm feeling almost all the time lately - LIFE IS GOOD!! *That* is what I want to share and spread.
BUT, like I said up there ^^ I also want people to know that life here in the May household is not all rainbows and sunshine. So here is my Ultimate and Final Confession, I'm going to add a tab on my menu too, so anytime someone needs to they can click and read it there:
I, Susan Dionne Damaske May, hereby confess to being 100% imperfectly human. I have bouts of impatience, ignore my kids, spend too much time on Facebook, obsess over my blog and what to write next, and make judgments on other people's choices. My house is usually a mess and often borders on a disaster zone. I barely cook. In fact, my husband cooks most nights when he gets home from work. At 7 o'clock. (Poor guy! But lucky me ;-) I have barely exercised since my daughter was born (almost 6 years ago!) When I read I don't hear anyone which drives my husband crazy - and leads to what looks like more ignoring of our children. I over-think and analyze just about everything. I tend to dwell on things that bother me - about myself and others. I sometimes talk too much. I love Peace but sometimes feel violent.
My children have meltdowns, eat lots of candy, and fight with each other. They have been known to stay up late.
My husband and I very rarely have "deep" conversations and we can count how many "dates" we've had in the past 6 years on our hands (not sure how many hands, but one sounds way too pathetic!)
We all get on each others' nerves and say things that we feel bad about later. In short, we're a family comprised of imperfect human beings.
So there you have it. When you look at it that way it doesn't sound that amazing, huh? But even with all the above I am more in love with myself and my life every day. Blogs are only snapshots, just like everything else. When we see someone at the grocery store, or the playground, or at church it is only a snapshot. When we visit with family or friends the image projected does not include every aspect of our person-hood, and usually some parts are magnified, diminished, or distorted. I think this is why it is sometimes challenging to write for me - because I want to present a clear, whole picture but when all my ideas and beliefs are so tangled I worry about getting it all straight - and really it will never be the whole picture. So I choose what to focus on and present here, and I can only do what feels right for me. I am comforted by the thought that each post is like a conversation that can be built on or even revisited over time.
So no more Friday Confessions (3 was enough I guess!) I'm thinking I may do Snapshots, which highlight a day in our life, or "Did you know?" type things, we'll see. And I'm not even sure how long I can keep up two posts per week. We'll see!
Good night all you lovely people! I hope you enjoyed my final, truly scandalous, confession.
Wife, mom, information and peace seeker.