Ramblings on Moments and Memories

Every day there are moments that I want to cling to. I want to freeze them in time and tuck them away in in a safe place where I can pull them up and relive them whenever I want to. Like Carter reaching his little hand into the shower stream yesterday - slowly, carefully - and staring at the water hit his hand, then looking at me as if to say, "Wow! What is this stuff? What am I feeling? What is happening?"

Gerry turned 7 last weekend and Marisol is 10 now. The reality is that I will NOT remember most of these "Baby Carter Moments". I know because I hardly remember anything from when his big sister and brother were babies! Recognizing this Truth actually makes the bitter-sweetness easier to bear. Because I am with my big kids every day and I am able to enjoy the moments without longing for the past... for them to be babies... In fact, it seems silly when you put it that way! Of course, I don't want them to go backwards.

​This is how I know things are as they should be.
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But it doesn't stop me from taking a gazillion pictures though!

I mean - look at that face! It's hard to believe that someday - not so far away - this little, chubby, baby face will be a distant memory.

​After showering with Carter I wrapped him up in a towel and wanted to capture that moment. I mean I just look at him and my heart almost bursts! I want to cuddle him and eat him up all at once. It is the fiercest, mama-love feeling and it is almost overwhelming. Music is helping me so much to let the feelings out. The song "Maybe" came on my Pandora Channel. 

Maybe
By Ingrid Michaelson

I don't wanna be the one to say goodbye
But I will, I will, I will
I don't wanna sit on the pavement while you fly
But I will, I will, oh yes I will

'Cause maybe in the future, you're gonna come back
You're gonna come back around
Maybe in the future you're gonna come back
You're gonna come back
Oh, the only way to really know is to really let it go
Maybe you're gonna come back, you're gonna come back
You're gonna come back to me

I don't wanna be the first to let it go
But I know, I know, I know
If you have the last hands that I want to hold
Then I know I've got to let them go

​I love how music always seems to speak to us - whatever we are experiencing or feeling in that moment - it seems like the words contain a message just for us. So I was belting out the words and dancing and Carter loves it so I'm feeling pretty happy. And I know that I really do need to "Let go". Let go of wanting Carter to stay a baby, let go of wanting to remember every little detail of this beautiful time (as if I could!) Just... Let. Go. (Thanks Ingrid!)

I was just up in NY visiting my hometown and went to my 20 year highschool reunion. Memories were flooding my mind that whole weekend.

So I also know that if I trust and let go, some of the sweetest, most important memories will "come back to me"... Maybe. (See what I did there?? haha.)

But still... I snapped a couple more pictures. The moment was too sweet to let pass.

The next song came on. "All We Are" (Was I still in the bathroom or were we getting dressed in the bedroom? I've already forgotten! Details. Foggy. Let them go!)

All we are... we are. Hmmm... sounds deep. Who can argue with that? But my favorite line this time was, "And every day is a start of something beautiful."

This third time around with a baby I am feeling so acutely how every day is a gift and just how very quickly they will slip by. Did I mention my first baby is 10? YEARS, that is... TEN YEARS OLD.

Just a few more pictures now. Then I'll stop. I promise.

I've been re-reading passages from The Continuum Concept. I'm kind of obsessed with it right now. I'm hoping to share some of the things I've learned and what I think it means to me and to our society soon. 

But yesterday I had another thought related to it that helped me accept myself and my struggle. I mean I'm always saying, "Live in the Moment!" and it seems like it is a message we all agree with... so why is it so darn hard?!

And I was struck yesterday again by our modern way of life: how isolated we've made ourselves; that I am grieving the fact that this is probably my last baby. I realized it is perfectly acceptable for me to do so. Because the truth is, that if he is my last I won't experience this again. Even as a grandma. I mean I sure hope I have children and grandchildren that allow me a lot of snuggles and I know that being a Grandma is wonderful... but THIS particular experience of being the one to know my baby best and to be so close... I will probably not have this again.

The Yequana people in the book don't seem to struggle the way we do. But guess what? They ALL experience babies through every stage of their lives. They live TOGETHER as a tribe. They all help each other with their babies too. 

And so I was comforted again, that maybe I'm not so "weird" after all. That I'm just trying to make sense of this wonderful life and mixed-up world that I am lucky enough to inhabit.

Monday's moment. Agh! This boy.