My One Piece of Advice

You know that cliché old question, "If you had one piece of advice for _________" Well, I bet you can guess who I'm going to address. Yep, You Betcha! (Any "Good Luck Charlie" fans here?? This is one of my daughter's and my favorite things to say right now - "You Betcha".) Where was I? Oh yeah - one piece of advice. Of course my advice is for (drumroll please!)....New Parents! (Shocking I know. Well, this is "A parenting blog that's not (only) about parenting", after all!) If I had ONE bit of wisdom to impart to parents-to-be, what would I say? Actually, let's back that train up even further - what would I tell someone even considering parenthood? ('Cause we're going to assume in the ideal world most babies coming down the... uh, canal... are planned and wanted.) 


I'm not even sure how to explain this one thing I want all some-day (and present day) parents to know. I'm not even sure if I can boil it down to "One Thing". But it is basically this. 


Remember Always:
Children are people and parenting is a relationship. 

(Did I just sneak 2 things in there?? Oh well...)

We look to experts and read hundreds of blog posts and books because we want THE ANSWERS. But there is no answer. There is only your child and you and your relationship. We are so busy looking for the answers to our "problems" - how to stop our toddler from grabbing or hitting, how to get our kids to cooperate when we "need" to leave the house, how to raise respectful, responsible teenagers - that we're missing the forest for the trees. Because it's not about PARENTING. It's about LIFE. And life is ultimately about our relationships. That is what I mean by the tagline, "A parenting blog that's not about parenting" {I added the (only) in later - because clearly I *do* write about parenting a lot!}

Yes, children are people. They are people with their own opinions, will, and desires. There is no such thing as a child neatly fitting into a pre-approved slot that you have left empty on your "Life Blueprints". Your child will have their own plans. So if *you* are *planning* on becoming a parent - throw out any other plans. At least for a while. 


If you think you know what kind of parent you are going to be or what a parent "should" do - try to set that aside. Don't be afraid to entertain ideas that are completely the opposite of what you "know".


When I was a teacher I thought it was good training for becoming a parent. I thought that I was learning to say, "No!" and mean it. I thought I was becoming better at things that were really necessary as a parent. I also thought that I was deficient as a person because my nature is much softer than the archetype I had internalized as "good parent."


Fast forward a few years and I've embraced saying YES! with all my being and I've thrown out just about every lesson I thought I was learning back in those teaching years.


If you want to be a parent, stop looking to experts to tell you what to do and instead turn towards your child. They will tell you everything you need to know (even if it's not with words). Of course, be open to learning from others. If you want to make the way easier for you and your family then read, research, and ask questions! But realize too, some lessons will only be learned with time and experience even if you read them 100 times. 


Your child will not be convenient. Your child will come prepared to make you a better person by pushing whatever your hot buttons may be. They will share characteristics with you and that will be maddening. And they will be different from you and that will be confusing. You will try to give them things like trips to Disneyland, and they won't want them. You will want to go outside, be with friends, go on adventures, when all they want is to be home where they are safe and cozy (or vice versa.) They will push your comfort zones and force you to navigate social situations way before you are ready to (are we ever ready??)

In short, your child will be his or her own person - from the moment they are conceived - and whether you enjoy that person will largely depend on how willingly you embrace this very fact.

Here are some more links and a fantastically funny video for your reading and viewing pleasure:

I became a mother and died to live

It doesn't help anyone not to be honest about motherhood