An attempt to answer some good questions about all this Peaceful Parenting Stuff....

Susan, Thank you so much for your lovely words and wonderful messages. 

I would love some concrete examples of how you deal with your kids in situations where a parent would normally assert control (or at least attempt to). For example, if one child is hurting another with a toy (stick, whatever), would you talk about it first and not just remove the toy (I would always explain and talk after taking action)? For the child who refuses to budge when the family needs to go somewhere... what do you do in that situation... if talking and talking doesn't work? If a child runs through a parking lot without looking, do you not speak to them sternly? I am genuinely interested in how you manage these very typical situations. I talk with my kids all the time and explain my reasoning and ask their opinions and compromise when I can, but there are a good amount of situations in which they do need to be told no, and sometimes it can't always be with a gentle tone. I think a lot about what *you* would say/do and I've even read some material in addition to yours about this more unconventional style of parenting - I incorporate a lot of it, but some of it, I can't get around. My son has tantrums sometimes specifically in order to get his way and I have tried sitting and talking to him about it and providing comfort, etc, but it perpetuates the issue and doesn't feel right to me. When I started giving the tantrums the absolute attention he was asking for, he really started doing it more... I consider myself a very warm and loving parent, but I *do* feel like I need to set limits in order to teach. I know these are all trigger words and I hope it's fine that I'm being honest. I am open-minded to a good degree (meaning I think I will always set tv and food choice limits and I won't be exploring home schooling for various reasons), but I would love to hear more about your style with some concrete examples. 

Thank you again xoxo - Janet

So my wonderful cousin (actually she's married to my cousin, but I consider her family now and therefore call her my cousin...just try to stop me) left this comment a while ago on this post and I've been working a little at a time on a response. Janet blogs herself at The House on Salem Street, and I've only come away from her writing dry-eyed once or twice. She is amazing, I highly recommend you check her blog out. Just make sure you have tissues nearby.


Before I dive into answering some of Janet's questions I want to get a few general thoughts out. First I want to address the misconception of Unschooling/Peaceful Parenting that parents following these philosophies never say no or are never stern. It's just not true. I do know that many try not to arbitrarily say no and many try to find the "yes" as often as they can (I'm sharing a great link later on). 


As for being stern or sharp - I find that as my kids get older I am sharper. But I'm also opening up to the idea that it isn't necessary. (I think I'm opening a whole new can of worms here, so I'll try to state it simply for now.) What I mean is - since my kids have not become desensitized to harsh tones, they *do* react to it (well my 7 year old daughter especially). I can simply say, "That was mean" in a very low voice or give her a look and she is so sensitive to it that there is an immediate reaction. However, I'm actually beginning to see that even that isn't usually necessary. Ugh. I'm on a tangent here. But my main point is (and I've heard many other writers/sharers say the same) is that just because someone (like myself) believes in Peaceful Parenting, that doesn't make us perfect. Please always know that. There are times for stern tones - they just aren't as necessary or often as most of us believe.

Another thought I had run through my mind is: There is no magical answer.
There are TONS of amazing resources and people out there. This is a good thing BUT it can also be overwhelming. Sometimes you may be into researching and trying new strategies BUT many times you may be best off following your instincts and tuning into yourself and your kids. It helps so much to have one or a few big ideas guiding you - for myself Kindness is a huge one. Also, just rejecting punishment in itself is a huge step because it takes it off the table as an option.

So without further ado, or tangents, or bush-beating - let's jump into some of Janet's questions. 

For example, if one child is hurting another with a toy (stick, whatever), would you talk about it first and not just remove the toy (I would always explain and talk after taking action)?


This to me is a clear case of safety coming first. ALL of our kids need to feel safe in their own homes. Safe with us, their siblings, other family members, and themselves. If they are already hurting someone, else they need to be stopped, when they are little this often means physically by holding them.


I think that the important thing is that there are lots of other times when you are not using physical force. For example, instead of grabbing something from a small child (because you "think" it's dangerous {scissors jump to mind - I find it is rarely necessary to grab them from a toddler and may even more dangerous to do so!} or because *they* just grabbed it from another child), you do NOT grab from them. You try to trade with them, talk to them about not grabbing, wait till they drop it or move on etc. When children see that you use physical force as a last resort and only in instances of safety (another example people love to throw out there is a child running into the road - of course you stop them!) they get the message. Oh I guess, I just answered your parking lot question with that one too. Parking lots are tricky. Kids want to be independent, parents want kids to be safe. (Because parking lots often feel like one of the most dangerous places in the world!) I've tried lots of different things - carrying the child, encouraging holding hands - often if I hold out a finger and they wrap their fingers around it, they are more cooperative than if I tightly grab their hand, holding onto a hood/shirt, of course having many conversations about dangers in parking lots, pointing out when I see cars engines are on or even backing out, sometimes grabbing a shopping car in the parking lot and putting them in it right at the car.

For the child who refuses to budge when the family needs to go somewhere... what do you do in that situation... if talking and talking doesn't work?
 
Once again there is no one-size-fits-all answer here. Because we have chosen a lifestyle with maximum flexibility there are really very few times when our whole family HAS to go somewhere. We really have chosen most of the things we do. I think what would help answer this is a post about how I get out the door with my two kids with maximum cooperation from both of them. Marisol has 3 classes a week this year and so far we haven't missed any - so we are getting better at getting out to places by certain times. We've had many years of NOT needing to be hardly anywhere though, which I'm sure has helped.


Gerry is in a phase where he loves being home - he really doesn't want to leave, even when it's a place he knows he has a lot of fun. Here are things that help us get places:


1) Make appointments/classes later in the day. We are all slow starters and neither of my kids like to be rushed right in the morning.


2) Start talking about our plans early in the day. When he says, "No I don't want to go!" I usually lightly say, "You don't want to go? We're not going yet, we have time." I also remind him of fun things we do at the place (trampoline at friends' house, playground at church etc.)


3) As we approach leaving time I get everything ready (snacks, extra clothes, iPhones for car etc.) and I also give more "It's almost time to go!" prompts.


4) When Marisol and I are ready I let Gerry know. He's often at the computer and again voices his discontent. I offer empathy - even calmly affirming him by saying, "I hear you" or "I know you don't want to go". If there is a short clip left of what he is watching always respect his wish to finish it - if it's longer (which usually doesn't happen - if he's watching TV I'll usually give him enough warning - this is the last show!) we try to pause it. I ask if he wants to bring anything with him (his "lovey" is a KING SIZE sheet right now! ha! So that comes with us along with Raoul - his new remote control car).


I've found that Gerry actually adjusts really well to going once we're moving. Not like his big sis who often held onto her discontent until we returned home. The more people in the family, the more difficult it is to always do things that everyone wants to do. It helps so much to stay open to creative solutions, to offer empathy, and to make things as fun as possible. We are also not above a little sweet bribery! Mostly kids want to be with us doing fun things so we can use this to our advantage.

I talk with my kids all the time and explain my reasoning and ask their opinions and compromise when I can, but there are a good amount of situations in which they do need to be told no, and sometimes it can't always be with a gentle tone.

You are correct - there are going to be plenty of times when kids don't get what they want right when they want it. I think the thing to keep in mind is that our conventional, modern parenting practices has kind of made "no" the default mode for kids. It is really healthy for us to examine this phenomenon. Because always being told no is NOT healthy. It squelches curiosity and spirit and weakens our connections to each other. Sometimes we can say yes is creative ways - for instance when we're tired or it's bedtime, "Yes we can jump on the bed - tomorrow" etc. Here are a lot more ideas about saying yes.


I wrote a bit about the idea of a gentle tone above. I think for myself (as I alluded to before) this is actually an area that I'm growing and changing in right now. It didn't help Marisol when I told her she was mean - she knew. And because our relationship is so strong and connected she had no problem telling me that it didn't help her - that in fact it made her feel worse, when what she needed was to feel better so she could DO better. (And this reminded me of a post I wrote a while ago in which I talked about a book called The Old Way. The author, Elizabeth Marshall Thomas talks about how children in this tribal society were almost never "reprimanded" and they were just delightful human beings to be around!)


Also, there are plenty of ways to redirect a small child that don't involve being stern - for instance by being playful! 


This is an idea that I definitely need to think on more and can be expanded on. I think that the biggest thing you hit on is how THE IDEA that sometimes we "must" be stern is a limiting idea. Just questioning that attitude will start to bring about change. In fact, there are plenty of ways to be kind and gentle when our kids aren't able to get what they want. Being told NO in fact does not have to be a harsh experience. (However, we may have to deal with more expressive feelings in this scenario. The harshness may be what we are using to keep our kids "in line" and behaving in a way agreeable to us. ie - no tears, accepting the "no" or "consequences", moving on etc)

All that being said, one thing I do NOT want to do is make any parents feel guilty for not being "enough" - gentle enough, fun enough, creative enough, loving enough... etc. We try. If things don't go the way we wanted them to we have lots of things we can do - talk to our kids, reach out to others for creative ideas, TRY AGAIN, love ourselves unconditionally and recognize all of the things we do well. Remember that just by believing we can do better, we are being the best parent to our kids possible. 


And this is getting long now, but as for tantruming and kids. I've had my fair share of tantrum experiences (we call them meltdowns or MDs in our house :-P) When Marisol was littler I tended to disengage - especially when she didn't want hugs etc. But now I know that there are ways to just be present - to literally JUST BE - and let them get their feelings out. The thing is, the feelings aren't going to go away so we get to choose how we deal and react to them. We can add to them or we can ride them out. I'm adding a few links at the bottom that may be helpful.


I hope this was helpful! If anything jumps out at you or you'd like me to expand on it please let me know!

Links to check out:
Hitting and Peaceful Parenting

When Children Hit - 10 Tips for Parents by L.R. Knost

Toddlers, Tantrums, and Time-Ins, Oh My! by L. R. Knost

Peaceful Parent Institute - Toddler Articles By Genevieve Simperingham