Ok, now they aren't here. In fact they just left. This is what happens when you blog in bits and pieces - Life.
Physically I feel a little ill (nauseous) after they leave. I'm tired and sad. (Of course part of that could be the vodka I drank last night and the fact that Mike, Laura, and I stayed up till almost midnight watching "Dating Naked". Sometimes the most fun choices aren't the "best" - but when you only get to hang out a handful of times per year you take advantage of every moment!)
Marisol is especially sad. We've already looked at Laura's work calendar to plan our next visit. That helps - knowing when we will be together again helps.
But still. I miss them so much.
Over the weekend I was thinking about "attachment". I work hard to live in the present moment, to embrace "what is". It is a never ending process and practice. It is not something you "achieve" - it is only something you can come back to over and over - like your breath in meditation. Death has been on my mind a lot this year. There is nothing like facing this truth - we will all die - to put everything else in perspective. Being attached makes saying goodbye so painful - whether it is for a few months or for life. We fight letting go fiercely.
I know intellectually that I have much to be grateful for. Just the fact that I don't want my family to leave, that I always want more, that we enjoy our time together so much, that saying goodbye hurts - these are good things. But the feelings, oh the feelings. (And I can't even blame it on PMS - I just had my period! Sometimes I'm grateful to be sad at a time when I know it's not "hormones" - because I think sometimes we're always looking for a reason or to explain our feelings away, instead of just letting them be.)
I'm learning not to fight the feelings. I'm learning to let them flow. I'm learning that they will pass. I'm learning to let them be and to also keep doing things that I know will make me feel better. I'm learning to connect with my kids more instead of pushing them away when I'm sad. I'm learning to forgive myself and my kids when we all feel out of sorts and are getting back into our groove. So much learning.
My life is amazing. But I still get sad. My life is awesome. But I can still dream of ways to make it better. I am grateful. And I want more. All of these things are true.