Every post I make here is a reminder to myself. When I write about "Rejecting Fear", "Facing Fears", and "Moving into Love", it is absolutely NOT because I have already achieved these things and put a check mark by them on my "to-do" list. In fact I have not completely achieved ANY of them.
Each one is a process. Each day I have to face my fears anew. Each day I have to choose love when anger or hate vies for a place in my heart.
2019 was not the easiest year for me - psychologically or emotionally. If you saw me in person, it probably seemed like things were pretty great. Because they were! But most days there was a roller coaster of emotions going on inside of me. I wept, vented, read obsessively, neglected my kids and husband because other matters weighed on my heart and captured my attention.
But I also chose them every day. Because I KNOW they are the most important thing in my life.
This year had a rough start too. Flu, a cancer diagnosis, a global fear of illness... And yet, I am lighter. More grateful. More focused. How did I get here? Can I remain here?
No, I know that I will not be here forever. Life is forever cycling. But I sure am enjoying this peaceful state! The gratitude, hope and lightness that fills me is such a welcome change.
And I am proud of myself. For doing the work the past year to get here. Because I know that all of the ups and downs and tears were important. It was hard work and now I get to enjoy the fruits of my work.
If you are struggling, know that you are not alone. Know that your struggle is important. Know that it is OK to feel whatever you are feeling - in fact it is CRUCIAL to let yourself feel it all so you can process and move through it. We get stuck when we bury, ignore, repress and compartmentalize. When we silence ourselves for fear of rejection we actually begin to rot and die slowly inside.
I have been putting little reminders up around the house for myself to see - words of wisdom, pictures, my own artwork. I bought myself a bracelet after Christmas to remind myself this year to be present in the moment, to stop THINKING so much, and to take action when it's the right time and I am able.
And slowly.... slowly.... the reminders seep into my consciousness. Slowly my heart rate slows, peace returns, I am able to focus again. The pace of life settles and everyone around me feels it too. I am grateful.