|
Sleep, oh, sweet sleep. It's on the minds of most parents in our modern world. Parents are warned that they will never sleep again. And then our expectations are largely realized - sometimes even exceeded - when we compound our difficulties by resisting a baby's true sleep biology. Marisol started in a bassinet next to our bed. When she was about one month old we put her in a crib in the BEAUTIFUL nursery we prepared for her. It went relatively well for a few months. I went to her when I heard her wake on the monitor, changed her diaper and nursed her back to sleep in our comfy glider, then put her back down. Until she was about 5 months old. Then everything seemed to fall apart (what?! Babies have sleep REGRESSIONS?? What do you mean?!) This period of time was very hard for me - and it coincided with Thanksgiving and Christmas that year.  What baby wouldn't want to sleep in this beautiful "oasis"... or should I say ocean. Wait, maybe she felt like she was drowning! Darn fish... I did not want to let her cry-it-out and she would wake up almost as soon as I put her down almost every time. I would try patting her to sleep, sometimes even lying down next to the crib. At my low point I was actually making a bed on the floor with blankets and pillows and when I got too tired to try keeping her in the crib we slept together on the floor. Yes, you read that correctly - I was sleeping with my newborn on the floor in our house that had a perfectly good Queen sized bed and full-size futon. Looking back on it now, it's amazing to me what I went through trying to have her sleep in a crib. And I had even read Dr. Sear's book, Nighttime Parenting, while I was pregnant! I loved the idea of co-sleeping before she was even born. So why was I so stuck on her sleeping in the crib? I think there were a couple of factors. First, I don't think Mike was ready to try anything so "out there" (ha! So funny now - poor guy, he really had no idea what he was in for! To be fair though, neither did I). So I really tried for his sake not to be "weird" about the baby's sleep. I already had a natural birth, was using cloth diapers, and was breastfeeding almost constantly so I think I wanted to do something "normally". Why I wasn't just proud of all those things, I don't understand now, but I'm a different person then I was 6 years ago. Also, for a couple of months she did ok in the crib. So I think I was lulled into thinking we had sleep "figured out" (I know, I know - what a rookie!) I remember my father-in-law asking me almost every time I saw them (which was often since we lived in walking distance) how Marisol was sleeping. I dreaded the question and wanted to say, "No!! She's not sleeping through the night! I'll let you know when she is!" I remember calling my mom after a particularly hard night and being so tired but she wasn't able to come over and I thought, "How am I going to make it through the day?" (Spoiler - I did live to see another day.) I babysat a little girl and I remember loving when she wanted to play pretend and it was "nap" time - I lay on the floor a lot at that house! Fortunately for me, at Christmas time we went to Florida and I was like - "She's sleeping with us!" I didn't want to be exhausted for the whole vacation. It was such a beautiful relief. When we came home from vacation I was not going back to the floor. So I slept with her on the futon for a while and eventually we both moved back to the big bed with Mike. We haven't looked back since.  Cribs are good for things besides sleeping - Like practicing pulling yourself up! Or storing baby clothes... I remember asking my pediatrician when she was tiny how I "should" put her to sleep. I asked, "So I should put her down sleepy but awake, right?" (I think I probably read that one in a magazine.) And the wonderful man, bless his heart, confirmed that yes, ideally this was the best practice for babies learning to sleep on their own. Even now I can still see his gentle, kind look that pretty much defied the words even as they came out of his mouth. It's like I can see a thought bubble over his head in my memory, "Poor, naive, first-time mom. She's trying so hard! Do I tell her the truth or just agree with her?" Nap-time was another struggle Sometimes she slept in the car and I would then continue driving her, she sometimes slept in her in a swing, and I remember one time walking in the rain for an hour and a half because she was asleep in her stroller and I didn't want her to wake! And she never seemed to be on a "schedule" - it was just all so confusing and HARD! Even my mother, who is about as supportive as you can get, sometimes questioned my "methods" (or lack-thereof).  awww... baby Marisol sleeps soundly in her stroller. This was just before the worst of my sleep trials began - good thing she's so cute! When Gerry came along I didn't think twice about co-sleeping. He has slept with me since we came home from the birth center the day he was born (we did use the bassinet a bit when he was tiny too). He's always been pretty good about going back to sleep if it's the nighttime hours and I'm just more relaxed about nap. When he was a baby I thought he was "different" than Marisol was, but as he's grown I've seen them largely follow the same pattern - which tells me it is more me (and Mike), our "sleep-practices", and our attitudes that have changed. Neither of our children really slept through the night till they were about 2 1/2 (and Gerry still wakes during the night sometimes at 3 1/2). This sounds awful to most people, but I can honestly say it's fine. Because I'm right there they go right back to sleep. I've also read enough "studies" and "stories" as well as talking to real live parents to know that night waking is very common. Am I tired sometimes? Yes. But I don't know parents who aren't.  Our sleeping arrangement right after we brought Gerry home. Marisol didn't last in her "big girl" bed for very long. I'm not trying to push co-sleeping on people who don't want to do it or who don't think it's right for their family. But I do think it would be way more helpful to new parents everywhere if people were more honest about how sleep really looked in their homes. It's another example of everything being so private and hidden in our isolated, nuclear family units/homes. When Marisol was little I would always "admit" that she slept with us a little sheepishly, like I was letting people in on some dark secret of ours. I would "justify" it because when we moved to DC we only had a small one-bedroom condo. So it was a "good thing!" that we *did* co-sleep. In reality, I would have been sleeping with her even if we lived in the Spelling's Manor in Hollywood.  We wouldn't take up much space in this place! Now it seems so normal I just don't even think about it. All of our friends who come to our house know our sleeping arrangements. Marisol is 6 1/2 and still loves to sleep next to me. I'm not worried about it. I know when she's ready and the time's right she will sleep in her own bed. So many people are looking for "solutions" to the children's sleep "problems". Most of what are considered problems are actually a child's natural way of sleeping. That or they really want to be close to their parents. Peter Gray PhD calls our culture's issues with our children's sleep an "Evolutionary Mismatch." I love this perspective (of course!) and highly recommend reading his short essay on the topic. So - Sleep. We make it way harder then it needs to be. Being tired is a big problem because it makes everything else seem difficult to deal with. When we are sleep deprived there is little else that can be right in our lives. I know from experience. But the more we let go of our expectations, embrace the truth or how children sleep best, and then make our decisions based on that knowledge, the more rested we will be (even if we are still tired!) ps Sometimes we *will* be exhausted when we have little babies, no matter how we do things. This is not about those times. For those times we need love and support and listening ears to commiserate with us - not people trying to "solve" our sleep issues. These are the times that I wish we had our tribes surrounding us.  Embracing my life as mama. Couldn't be happier. What is your "sleep story"? (I know you have one, every parent does!) I'd love to hear it. What has made things harder or easier for you?
4 Comments
Parenting is hard. It's the most difficult job you'll ever do. Parenting is challenging but rewarding. The message is everywhere and it is beat into our heads almost constantly. PARENTING IS HARD. Not only that, we reinforce it to one another often. But what if parenting *isn't* intrinsically difficult, we are just making it so? How many times have you seen a mama cat complain about motherhood - all those kittens suckling! And later she has to teach them to hunt - and they never even say thank you! Or a bird - does she ever complain that the babies are hungry *again*? Why do we as humans seem to believe that we have such a hard gig? Is it because we're smarter or more aware? I was mulling over this question a few months ago after reading some comments on one of my favorite blogs. Everyone was chiming in with their own stories and feelings about how difficult motherhood is. Some women admitted that they didn't even like babies; others said they couldn't wait until their kids were out of the house. And it just got my wheels turning. One thing that I've learned from teaching Hypnobabies is how powerful our minds are and that we create what we dwell upon. If the constant refrain in our lives is how difficult things are then we are likely to get a lot more choruses of... hard, Hard, HARD! I'm not saying that I can't relate to the stories all these mamas share. I can. I know sleepless nights and crying for almost no reason other then exhaustion. I know losing my patience and feeling guilty for it later. I know feeling extreme anxiety as my child gets more upset about something seemingly insignificant. I know feeling uncomfortable as I worry about what others think. I get all that. But that doesn't mean that these things become my focal point. And it doesn't mean that I accept that this is just the way things are and there is nothing I can do about it. Not at all. I know now that it's possible to shift almost all of those things into a more positive state. A very common theme in our culture is that the teenage years are often years of rebellion, less connection between children and parents, emotional, and just generally trying. But I've found a small subset in our culture who says that it doesn't have to be that way. (Just like birth doesn't *have to* be an excruciating experience that a woman just has to get through.) Maybe this is true of many accepted ("difficult") aspects of parenting. Anyways, back to my churning mind. I wondered if all of this "positive thinking" wasn't just a little too much. I mean parenting can be hard, right?! Even I, Sunshine Susie, admit to having difficult days. I wrote to my Tribe and asked them what they thought. I got some amazing, inspiring responses. Here is a line from one of my favorites, "Forging awesome, respectful, nurturing relationships takes time and effort and intention." Yes! There's a perspective shift that resonates with me. Don't we put effort into our adult relationships? Why shouldn't we expect to with our children? But still not satisfied, I examined the problem from another angle. One of my favorites - The Evolutionary perspective. Did parents of the Hunting and Gathering era get together and grumble around the campfire (did they even have a campfire??) I went to the most direct source I have, Elizabeth Marshall Thomas, author of The Old Way, who was kind enough to let me interview her on the phone last spring. Here is what I wrote to her: It's amazing to read the comments and just how HARD parenting/mothering is for so many women. And I'm not disagreeing with them exactly - I mean I've had plenty of challenges and less than proud moments with my kids. But overall I just LOVE my life and them so it kind of makes me sad how many mom's are actually saying, "I don't like babies" or "I can't wait till they are out of the house" or any number of other things. And always the refrain, "it's hard, Hard, HARD!" And here is what this incredible, generous woman wrote back to me: I think you’re right by saying that the Ju/wasi just took parenting in stride—they wanted children, enjoyed children, and anyway, they didn’t have a choice about having children. Then too, all the people in an encampment looked after children in general—if an adult or an older kid saw a little kid in some kind of trouble that person would help immediately as a matter of course. Also, the Ju/wa kids could self-amuse. They played all the time, the boys playing hunting games or some rather formal games with rules, and the girls making patterns with their footprints or dancing. I don’t think I ever saw a kid wheedling at an adult about anything. Good social behavior was simply expected of children. And it was so wonderful to hear from her and her perspective. And it definitely affirmed for me many ideas I have about parenting, our modern culture, children, and whether it necessarily needs to be so HARD. You may recall that Elizabeth also told me that children were not punished in the Ju/wa culture. Some of you may be thinking but she says the children "self-amused - my kid doesn't do that!" This is another area where I think the tribal culture is very difficult to compare to our isolated, modern culture. Yes, they "self-amused" -- with all the other children in the tribe. And with plenty of adults around too. Not the same as expecting a kid to play alone or with one (or even a few) other sibling(s). Really it's quite ironic. Back in the day when we had to travel miles and miles to dig up roots, then carry back heavy loads (again miles and miles), and hunt animals down - all just to survive - then we weren't complaining about raising our young. Now, we have refrigerators full of food (and a grocery store just down the road), we have dishwashers and washing machines, we have TVs and computers, we have light with the flick of a switch, we have roofs to keep the rain off of us, and heat to warm the chilly nights... but now parenting is so hard. What if the culture we've created is actually really difficult for our children? If we could shift our perspective then our parenting difficulties might diminish greatly, or even disappear. I'd love to hear thoughts on this from other parents. What feels better - thinking that parenting is terribly difficult, or thinking that we are made to parent and can rise to the challenges, forming beautiful relationships with our kids as we go? The last thing I want to do is make more people feel guilty. This is not about feeling bad for finding parenting difficult. This is about creating a new paradigm (and from that a new culture!) so more of us can see that it doesn't have to be difficult.  Modern baby wearing, complete with frilly shirt, earrings and sunglasses. Beautiful, natural surroundings. Juxtaposition of the Old Way And New.  Well loves, the time has come. This book is going to mark the end of my Blogiversary celebration. I sure had fun, I hope you did too! This book is such a gem. It is actually been a couple of years since I read it, but I was skimming through tonight and reading pages that I had flagged (they're still marked!) and there is so much wisdom in in this little book. I mentioned earlier this year that finding unschooling was one of the biggest awakenings of my life. If that statement is confusing or intriguing to you and you want to know more, this book will answer a lot of your questions. Rue Kream organized Parenting a Free Child: An Unschooled Life in a very reader friendly way. Each chapter is actually a short essay that answers a typical question or concern regarding unschooling.  The first page of the Contents, to give you an idea of the format and what types of questions are answered I want to quickly share a couple of my favorite quotes from the book. When asked if she could play a song on the radio on her guitar, Rue's daughter said, "I could if I knew how" (p 7). I love this! How confident the child is in her own ability to learn what she wants when she wants to, so beautiful. I also love Rue's response to the question, "Don't you ever have a bad day?" "Unschooling does not make us more than human. Striving to be a peaceful parent does not make me a perfect parent." (p 112) All I can say to that is, Amen! This book gives perspective on so many issues from why in their family (and many unschooling families) they choose not to limit TV and screen time, and how and when children learn to read, to concerns about children getting into college and chores. It really covers a lot of ground in a concise and clear manner. Sooo.... whether you are interested in learning more about unschooling or if you are already unschooling but need a shot of inspiration and confidence, this is a great book. Leave me a comment if you want to be in the drawing for this awesome book! And if you share the love by liking my FB page, or by sharing the link on your blog or FB page I'll add your name an extra time for each bit of extra love you give me. ;-) Lots of Love and Peace to you all tonight...   Besides my first giveaway, all the give aways celebrating my Blogiversary have been personal copies of books I love. Also, if you've been paying attention closely you may have noticed that the books have followed my path as a parent from Natural Family Planning and Breastfeeding, and Natural Child Birth, to Elimination Communication. This weeks giveaway ties all of these things together neatly in a pretty bow. This week I'm giving away Mayim Bialik's book, Beyond the Sling: A real-life guide to raising confident, loving children the attachment parenting way. I bought this book mostly because I love Mayim Bialik. Honestly, I didn't "need" it. By the time I read it I had two natural births, been breastfeeding for over 5 1/2 years, using baby carriers with ease, sleeping with my kids for 5+ years, and had two kids out of diapers - one of which I had used the principles elimination communication part-time to achieve potty independence. Yeah, I guess I'm kind of a poster mommy for attachment parenting. But what intrigues me about Mayim Bialik (besides that I loved the show Blossom) is all that I have in common with her. We are approximately the same age, went to school in the same period of time, I was a Brain and Cognitive Science major with a concentration in neuroscience, she has her PhD in Neuroscience, we got married and had two kids (very similarly spaced) in almost the same exact span of time - it's kind of uncanny! (And yes I want to be her friend in real life. Someday.) Of course there are differences, the biggest being her family is Jewish and mine Catholic, and of course that little actress thing she does on the side. ha. So last winter when I heard that she had a book coming out about attachment parenting I was interested to read it for fun. I also had just really started to get into writing, and the thought of writing my own book seriously crossed my mind for the first time. Then I saw the Table of Contents for Beyond the Sling.   Ugh. Seriously? This is TOO GOOD. Too simple and direct and so well organized. I LOVED IT already and I hadn't even gotten past the contents! But now what was *my* book going to be about?? Not to mention that it didn't seem quite fair since, you know, she's FAMOUS already.
Oh well, C'est la vie. I trust that when the time comes and I am ready, my own voice and message will come out in it's own unique way. Plus, *somehow*, *someway*, I'm going to get Mayim to write a forward for my book. That will even things out! Here are a couple of my favorite quotes and passages from early in the book: What I had discovered, and what I seek to share with you, dear reader, is this: you already know the majority of what you need to know to be an incredible parent (emphasis hers). It was only when I believed this and began to apply it consistently to my growing family that my anxiety, worry, and exhaustion began to lift. It was then that I truly began to enjoy being a parent and to see myself as a successful parent; not a perfect parent, and not always the most patient parent, but a sensitive, loving, and confident person who truly loves this life I have chosen. That's really what this book is about: empowering you to make the best choices for your kids. (p 5) My kids are flawed and they make plenty of mistakes, as do I. My kids are not always polite, patient, clean, wise, and quiet; nor am I, for that matter. (p 12) I love how Mayim presents attachment parenting. She is kind about it. She does not claim to know the right way for every parent, she is only sharing what works for her family. The two examples above show how she debunks any thought of "perfection" from the first pages of the book. It's not about being perfect it's about listening to your instincts and your children. Mayim puts all kinds of myths to rest about attachment parenting to rest (ie You have to be a "martyr" to do all that stuff! Only wealthy or advantaged people can afford to parent this way. Children will be spoiled, overindulged, whiny, etc. if parented this way. etc.) Not only does she address all of these concerns, but she does so with compassion, conviction, and humor. She acknowledges that everyone in the family has needs and that there are ways to meet these needs, it just may not be the way you used to before you had children or how you imagined it would look. And the really cool part is that she puts her PhD to good use and explains the SCIENCE behind attachment and why it just makes sense to parent this way. I've barely had this book in my possession 8 months - I even mentioned it here the day I received it in the mail! Mayim's book debuted a little before the controversy stirred up by the TIME cover showing a mom breastfeeding her 3 or 4 year old son standing up (not to mention the inflammatory title, "Are you mom enough?) In a way it was good publicity for her and she handled all of the extra attention extremely well. I myself wrote about being a "Closet Lactivist" and then why I think attachment parenting is the best way to parent during this time. It's been an eventful span of time for me personally as I know it has been for her. But I'm ready to let this gem of a book go and inspire a new mom (or dad!) so that another family can benefit from all her wisdom. Leave a comment - you may win a great book! (I will also put your name in additional times if you like my Facebook page, share a link on your FB page, or share my blog giveaway on your blog - just be sure to let me know in your comment!) ps This is my used copy of the book and there are a few pages in the beginning warped by some water damage - in my pre-baby days I would have said it was from reading in the bathtub. Not likely to be the case anymore - no this time it is probably from one of many water spills that occur in our house daily! Don't worry it's still legible. **WARNING** What started out as a post about Elimination Communication and Gerry's journey towards potty independence turned into a slew of incredibly cute pictures of him. You've been warned. Also, if you are interested in the book give-away for this week make sure you scroll down to the bottom past all the cuteness and leave a comment! Ok, so now that *that's* out of the way. Elimination communication. (From now on referred to as EC.) What is it? Well, there are different definitions and names - but basically it is meeting your baby's elimination needs without diapers. Now, before you stop reading, you should know that you can practice EC part-time. Also I used cloth diapers (with and without covers) and disposable diapers. We also used Gerber training pants starting about the time Gerry was 1 year old. I'm not going to get too deeply into the "how's" of EC (I'm giving away the book Diaper Free! for those of you interested in details, and if you don't win I highly recommend it!) But I do want to share with you our journey, the realities and challenges, the fun, some tips, and of course the cuteness. I started putting Gerry on the potty or holding him over a bathroom sink when he was a couple of weeks old. (I know the sink thing may sound "gross" to some of you unfamiliar with EC - well, let me just say it's no grosser than a poopie diaper - and easier to clean.) I actually won our little potty and the book that I'm giving away from another blogger in a give-away - I'm paying it forward this week! (Holy cow, I just looked back, and a LOT of people commented on that post - I'm feeling even more excited now {3 years later} that I won!) Looking back, I'd say that winning the give-away was a huge catalyst for me - I was interested in EC before Gerry was born, but in the tired haze that comes with a newborn, I wasn't sure I had the energy or desire to try something so new. But once I won, I was energized and ready to try! The awesome thing about trying to "catch" your babies pees and poops is that it is fun. Yep, you heard me right, it's fun! So once you catch a couple you are kind of hooked and want to keep trying. Another awesome thing is that you don't have to do EC 100% of the time - and we certainly didn't! I would definitely classify us as "part-time" ECers. We used cloth diapers, the potty, and actually I used more disposables with Gerry than I did with Marisol (I felt guilty about it, but it's the truth). It can be difficult imagining how to begin on this adventure. One suggestion is when you have some time at home to put baby on a waterproof pad covered with a blanket, either naked or with a light blanket covering them. Then you simply wait and keep track of how often they pee or if they give any signals before they go. This can give you a sense of how often they go and what patterns there may be. And of course you can try putting them on the potty if you suspect it's time! Usually when moms hold their babies on a potty or over a sink they make a noise like, "ssss" or grunting/bearing down sounds. Sometimes they just say whatever word they choose for eliminating. This is a VERY simplified version of the process - to be honest I can hardly remember now the beginning stages! What I can remember is how gratifying it is to have your baby eliminate *outside* of a diaper (and of course into a desired receptacle!) I pretty much continued to be surprised every time it happened! I invite you now to a photo "tour" of Gerry's journey towards potty independence. (You can dim the lights and put on your favorite potty music at this time if you so desire. Then proceed to scroll down the page {sorry, it's not automated, but the good news is that you can go at your own personalized pace, even stopping if you wish, to read the witty and poignant captions} ):  Love this picture! Love the chaos and seeing our tiny living space. And of course cute little baby Gerry! Also note the legwarmers - a great thing for babies using potties.  Gerry sitting on the potty at about 5 months.  We still used cloth diapers with covers a lot. We also used cloth diapers without covers so I would know almost immediately when he was wet and change him. I used covers more when Mike was home - he wasn't as comfortable with "misses" - aka pee pee wherever Gerry happened to be.  A little before Gerry's first birthday we started using Gerber training pants. They are not that absorbent, so we often used two pairs.  1 year old, near the cornfield behind Grandma and Grandpa's house  mmm... chocolate.  Naked time is always fun and helpful for learning too!  Sitting in a tub of corn.  Getting so big! 18 months old and in bigger training pants now.  Great for outside play too!  As a swimsuit...  Outside in my undies, eating a chocolate chip cookie in a fairy fort with my big sis - life doesn't get much better than this!  This picture was taken the morning of Gerry's 2nd Birthday. He was going quite often on the potty but as you can see we still used disposables at night.  I love this picture. That is all.  Getting to be an old pro at this potty thing!  Walking with Grandpa to the pool in my undies.  Christmastime and still using diapers sometimes.  Happy New Year! The first outfit Gerry wore consistently coming out of his 2-year-old-naked-phase (yes, there is an actual, clinically proven naked stage, I kid you not) It's the middle of winter, but shorts are better than nothing!  We went to NYC in January on a train. I remember he refused a diaper on the train and made it the whole way without an accident (even went on the train potty!) Here we are at a UR basketball game vs NYU - you can see the disposable sticking out a bit. It was probably one of his last...  This picture was taken the weekend Gerry was exactly 2 1/2 (January 23). I remember very distinctly because Nonna Gigi was visiting and we went to the mall - his first outing completely diaper free! We never looked back...  Still naked... (photo taken by big sis)  Visiting at a friend's in Florida in March. I remember because he had an accident... on the carpet next to the train table - oops! The train table was just too fun to stop playing! It was one of few though, he hasn't had very many.  Because it's too cute not to include...  Love our little potty! We still use it today.  April and still wearing the same outfit!  Oh. My. Goodness. I love this boy. (That's Marisol's baby helmet - flowers - covered with Thomas stickers - by the way)  We biked over to watch trains at the train station.  One of the last times we used a diaper at nighttime - we bought this diaper and he didn't wet it once! By his third birthday he was consistently dry through the night. So as you can see we used diapers a lot. But there were lots of times when we were home that he was naked, or in a cloth diaper without a cover, or later in his training pants. He never stayed wet long so he didn't get used to the feeling. Also I'm not going to lie, there were LOTS of misses. Some baby/carer couples get really good at knowing each others signals and rarely have misses, others are like me and deal with more. One thing that didn't bother me too much when he was a small baby, pre-mobility, is wet or dirty blankets - since I was used to washing diapers I just threw them in with the diapers. What's most important is your attitude. It's easy to get obsessed with the potty - especially once you've had some "success". But the best way to be is relaxed about it. If you're tired or overwhelmed, give yourself a break. You may want to wait on the nice carpets and cover as many surfaces as you can. Also don't worry about what other people think. I know I sometimes felt pressure for Gerry to "perform" since I was trying something so unconventional. But to be honest I always got positive reactions from people about his potty use. Of all the unconventional things I've tried, this seemed to be one that was easy for people to consider. I also usually just said, "I put him on the potty" instead of using the words Elimination Communication. I also never considered what we did "potty training". You may be wondering, why bother if the baby's just "going" wherever they need to all the time? Well, there are a LOT of benefits to using EC, even if only part-time. First of all any time baby goes on the potty, you are using one less diaper - better for your wallet AND the environment, no matter how you look at it! I also loved that Gerry never once had a diaper rash. His little bottom was clear and smooth his whole life! Marisol definitely had a couple of sore spots when she was a baby that were difficult to get rid of once they were irritated. The biggest benefit to me was how natural the whole process was for Gerry. Sitting on the potty is something he has done his whole life! There was no fear or resistance to it. I never forced him to sit or stay if he didn't want to. I don't know when he would have potty trained if we had just used diapers and tried to train him later in a more conventional way - but it does seem like "for a boy" he was using the potty quite early (this is the impression I get from many friends and experienced mothers I know). It was a slow, gradual journey and now that it's over, I hardly even remember it! It's good that I'm recording it now, because in a few years I'm likely to remember even less. Again, this is not "quicker" or "easier" and I know that for many families it may not fit into their daily lives. But for families that have a primary caregiver with the kids the majority of the time, who are looking for different, more natural options to diapers, EC (or Natural Infant Hygiene) may work for them. The first winter that I was home with both kids, Marisol basically went into a hibernation mode and I was home with them for long stretches of time. I figured since I was home I may as well put my time to good use! I'm really excited to pass this book onto someone who is interested in learning more about EC. In fact, I love this book so much, I'm kind of sad to see it go (I love her core parenting philosophy, very in line with much that I hold dear). But I'm working on letting things go (especially material things) - I don't need it at this stage in my life and I look forward to someone else benefiting from it. So please, leave a comment below to enter your name in the drawing! And remember, if you share and like my page you will get your name in multiple times!  This is going to be just a stream-of-consciousness type post - just some of the thoughts I've had swirling today.
After my post on Monday - which I stayed up quite late to finish before the "deadline" for Blog Action day - I've been thinking how I must be irritating some people by insisting that some parenting practices just aren't nice. And I have to admit it makes me a bit uncomfortable because I don't like making people feel bad. But then I thought, well hey, that's kind of good if someone's bothered by something I wrote, because that means that it got into their head and it's sticking there. Maybe it's like a little grain of sand that will rub until it turns into a beautiful pearl. Tonight Marisol and I were reading Dr. Seuss' story about the Grinch and she said that she likes people with the Biggest hearts -then she looked right up at me and into my eyes and said, "I think you're one of them". Oh my goodness, did I melt and cry? Oh yes I did! I don't write here to brag about how wonderful my kids and life are, or to show off how perfect and compassionate I am. Because although my kids are wonderful and I love my life, we're not perfect by any stretch of the imagination - we have meltdowns every day and I feel my heart contract and turn cold when she freaks out about something that seems insignificant to me. But we've been making a habit of saying what we're grateful for at night before going to sleep and tonight she said, "My life", and she keeps telling me in so many ways, and I just want people to know that they can have that too! I see a lot of hurting parents and kids and I just want them to know it doesn't have to be that way. I feel a bit like I'm becoming "One-note-Nelly" and my monotone mantra is "Be Nice to your kids!" but I guess it could be worse. And I have some different stuff coming up soon that I'm excited about (how's that for a teaser? Stay tuned!) So in the near future I'll be a little bit less like a 1-Hit Wonder (although I'd be excited just to have 1 Big Hit at this point!) I was messaging with an old friend a bit and talking about how writing here just fills me up in a way I never could have predicted. She mentioned that she's not surprised and it's a good way to connect with like-minded people. I guess it kind of is. But actually that was more what my "secret" blog was for - and Xanga is a great blogging community for that because you can search for specific things, like homeschooling, and then "friend" or follow people. Other great places for finding people you gel with are Yahoo groups - I've found international and local groups which have been great for inspiration and making friends in real life. But again as I wonder why (wonder but don't question... it's too good to doubt it) I'm doing this - writing, sharing - why I've been able to keep it up so consistently for so long, I'm realizing that it's my way of living out loud. And it feels great. There is no doubt that we are a very powerful species. Whether this power is used for the benefit of our own and the rest of the planet or for destruction is the question. A remarkable man who calls himself the Peace Artist has a unique perspective from his experience of running across the United States with only Art Supplies and the clothes on his back. Before his adventure he noted “We will either learn to live together in peace or die in mutually assured destruction.” After experiencing the kindness of countless strangers on his travels he hopefully asserts "I say this wholeheartedly: everything that is done from compassion will be met with success. The nature of the universe is love.” The key to harnessing our collective "power of we" and to promoting peace and quality living for all of earth's beings, is compassion. It sounds so simple, and yet, it is not easy or we would have it all figured out by now. But the message is everywhere if our hearts are open to it - uniting the major religions of the world in the Charter for Compassion or in Sprouting Seeds of Compassion's mission to plant trees. As our greatest strengths are often also our weaknesses, in this case the problem is contained within the solution - Passion. We all have our causes that make us burn. Just as real fire can help feed us, warm us, and keep us safe, our passion can be a very powerful force for good. Passion causes us to cry out when we witness injustices and brings us to action. But what happens when someone or something flies right in the face of beliefs that we may have spent many long hours, days, or even years piecing together? It's as if someone threw gasoline onto our fire! The explosion will potentially burn anyone too close to our fire - ourselves included. Passion divides us when we use it to judge or condemn others and creates an illusion of otherness. The truth is that we are all interconnected and our actions will always affect each other - it's up to us to choose a loving path, and the sooner the better. It's been helpful for me to think of wrapping my Passion in Love. Practically speaking this means taking a deep breath or waiting to speak my mind when I feel my passion as anger instead of love. If we can move towards doing this more and more, then we can begin to get to a place of Compassion. And from this space we can harness our true collective power to make positive change in the world.  Compassion is the ability to transform and we can see its metamorphic power in stories like this and this (I just noticed these both take place on airplanes! Is there something magical about being confined to a small space with strangers?!) Yes, compassion is the key to thriving in the future, but only by practicing it now. And let's not forget the past - how can compassion do anything about what's already over and done with? Compassion for the Past In one simple word: forgiveness. After learning whatever lessons we need from our experiences, challenges, hurts and trials it is time to look back on it all with a compassionate heart. We cannot change the past so to move forward effectively we must make peace with it and release it. We must forgive ourselves and others. I've read a lot of great material on forgiveness in the past year because it's something I struggle with personally (not because I've had such terrible things happen to me, but because I am a perfectionist and one side effect of this is dwelling on things - both about myself and others. It's not healthy.) All the wisdom I've come across states that forgiveness is for yourself, not for the person who hurt you. If you are carrying hatred, anger and hurt inside then you are not operating at your highest capacity. Not only that you just aren't living the happy, joyful life that you are entitled to! But don't beat yourself up too much if you struggle with forgiveness - forgive yourself for it and believe that we are all doing the best we can at any given moment. Then move on and strive to do better. If someone can release the abuse of their children or their family's killers, in the case of Immaculée Ilibagiza, then surely we can learn to forgive ourselves and loved ones for leaving the ice-cream out or telling each other to "shut up". Compassion in the Now Although this post is all about how through compassion we can finally harness the sea of communal power - of our "we" togetherness - I believe the present relies on us committing to individual, personal, and deep introspection. Only by knowing ourselves, our triggers, our faults and where we can improve can we then move from compassion. If something irritates us or bothers us that is our cue to turn the mirror back on ourselves and examine our own actions. Even if we really, truly believe (or even KNOW) deep in our core that we are in the RIGHT, we can still look at our reactions, how we relate and communicate with others, and most importantly what compassionate action we can take after processing. And actually, just looking at that word "right" kind of says it all. Because "right" and "wrong" sets us up immediately for competition instead of cooperation. Compassion is putting ourselves in another's shoes and seeing things from their perspective. It's learning about what they've been through or what their thought process is before jumping in with your own battery of explanations, reasons, research or stats. Oh, and I know this isn't easy which is why we have to go easy on ourselves as we learn. It's especially difficult with those we are closest to - our partners and children. Why is this? That we often become our worst selves with those that mean the most to us? Perhaps because they are who we feel the safest with or maybe just the laziest with. But if we cannot put the effort in with our loved ones in our own homes, how can we expect peace to spread the globe? My Alma Mater's motto is "Meliora" which the University of Rochester translates to "Ever Better". We may not be perfect but armed with forgiveness for mistakes and a willingness to always work on ourselves we may become ever better at this thing called compassion. Sowing Compassion for the Future I cannot believe how many amazing writers, causes, and blogs there are out there - I find new ones every day! And behind each one is a person. But how can we really maximize this human potential in our future? Through our children, which means through our parenting or any adult/child relationship. My passion is my children and parenting - both personally and generally as a practice. I have a lot of very specific ideas about what it means to raise children in a loving, respectful manner and most of these ideas are not the norm in our modern, western culture. I truly, in my heart-of-hearts believe, that compassion in the future starts with our children, because they are literally our future.  Right now it is commonplace in our culture for children to be spanked (hit), punished for a wide range of behaviors - many within normal developmental ranges - shamed, and isolated. Are any of these compassionate? And how can we expect our children to grow up to be compassionate when this is the way they are treated from the time they are babies? People don't like to hear it spelled out that way. They will say, well children must learn, or be taught, or have any number of reasons for their actions. But here I go. You see - I'm becoming passionate and when I do that it becomes, "me versus them", and I'm leaving compassion and therefore our power behind. So what do we do? How do we become compassionate when we see others acting in a way we don't believe is? I will say it is easier in every day life. Because I love the people that I know sleep train their babies or spank their toddlers. I love my friend who takes away her kids' candy because she's worried they'll eat too much or gives her kids time-outs. Right now the best thing I know how to do is to not participate in conversations that I don't agree with, to offer my life, my family's choices and our relationships as our living testimony, and to bare it all here on my blog. I also remind myself that many of the parenting practices I find unkind are actually a result of parents trying to cope with our modern social constructs. Right now most families live in isolated "nuclear" units - parents and children. Most children are raised by a single stay-at-home parent, a nanny, or daycare or some combination of these. This is not our natural state. We are communal, social animals - evolved to live in tribes. Now instead of having a whole network of support woven around you 24 hours a day that consists of parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and friends, we have single adults raising multiple children. Look at this beautiful picture and read the story put with it.  That is compassion. Would this ever happen in our neighborhoods? How can we start making changes so that does become our reality?
I was worried as I worked on this post about getting too preachy, self-righteous, and "know-it-ally". But then I released that worry (actually I mentally said "F**k it!" - but that's my new, not so PC way of releasing worries). I thought to myself, this is my theory and belief and something I've thought deeply about. I've read many stories and testimonies of families choosing to buck societal norms and who are raising amazing children. Children who may grow up to change the world. I believe each of us is here to experience life and part of that is putting our theories to test. The trick is to not get too attached to them. If what I'm practicing isn't working out so well then I will reassess. I think that is what we should all do and stop worrying about being "right" or "wrong". I want others to trust me that I am on the right path for me so I'm working on offering that same consideration to everyone else. In the end the one constant is kindness. Compassion is what will enable our race to evolve further and preserve our mother-earth. And the only people who can tell me whether I'm keeping up my end of the deal in this regard are living right here, under this roof with me.  Ironically, I can't breathe right now. I'm completely congested. There's nothing like losing something that you take for granted to totally make you appreciate it, eh? Here's another great post about breathing. I have to agree, it really is the answer to most problems. Sandra Dodd (another of my favorites) has a whole page dedicated to breathing on her website. So often we think we have to *do* something. Someone wronged us, or was disrespectful, or hurt us and we can't just sit there and take it, right?!? But usually our reactions or actions are taken too quickly, they are knee-jerk, usually thoughtless, and coming from an unsteady place. So this is where breathing comes in. If we can re-train ourselves to stop and focus on our breathing, for one breath, or 2, 3, or 10 or even many minutes of purposeful focused breathing, then we can change our old habits. It gives us time to think and our bodies can calm, dissipating adrenaline and emotions that course hot through our blood.  Today I had the chance to practice this skill. (And it does take practice!) Marisol got very upset with me a couple of times. Both times were things that I was actually doing to help her or be nice! (Remember my public service announcement? She was not being reasonable in my opinion! But what human being is reasonable all the time?) When I say she was upset I mean she was pretty much screaming, crying, yelling - a complete 6 year old rage. And when I say I was being nice - the one time was to do something she asked me to do (turned out I misunderstood what she wanted, but it was easily fixed). For whatever reason, today I was able to breathe through these incidents (one time better than the other - the second time I admit I was trying to reason with her as my voice became more intense - it didn't work). Both times within 5 minutes my little girl came to me apologizing, "I'm sorry for yelling at you" and was in my arms. She's already better than me at saying she's sorry. I was so glad that I took the time to breathe and stay calm. There was no need to to punish or shame her. I calmly stated how I felt and what had happened in each instance. Then I let her be alone (because that is what she wants - if she wanted me with her I would respect that too, actually that would be easier for me!) And hopefully I'm modeling for her how to stay calm when I'm frustrated because as she told me, "It's just so hard sometimes when I'm frustrated!" I have had just a few more years to practice. So yeah, breathing. It does a body good. And mind. And spirit. And relationships. I can't wait to kick this cold and experience the full benefits again!  I was checking out bumper stickers today and this is definitely near the top of my wish-list. This has been my mantra lately, "Breathe in Peace, Breathe out love" - I couldn't believe when I saw this! Guess it's not a new thing ;-)  This is a public service announcement. Adults and parents everywhere are being advised that your children *will* get upset, say unkind things, act in ways (that you consider) unreasonable, want attention from you when you are either unable or unwilling to give it, and do many other things that is generally considered "poor" behavior - and (this is the important part) - they will do this REGARDLESS OF YOUR PARENTING STYLE. Yep, you heard me right. (And you heard it here first! Right?!) It doesn't matter if you are an attachment parent, an authoritarian dictator, a spineless pushover, or 2012's Super-Mom of the year - you will have to deal with behavior that is unpleasant and (seemingly) undesirable. So the question is, what are you going to do when faced with the inevitable? What kind of human being are you going to *choose* to be? Are you going to get out of your comfort zone and try something new, radical, and different? Or are you going to do what everyone else does, what was done to you when you were a child, what you think you "should" do? I keep hearing people say that "parenting today is what's wrong with the world" and that "children today have no discipline" and on and on. What if when our children struggle they were met with true love and compassion and actually LISTENED to? What lessons would they learn? How would they react when others were having a hard time - if that is what they experienced? What if when our children behave in a way that makes us angry or uncomfortable or is just plain inconvenient, *we* are the ones who actually need to learn a lesson and change our behavior? FYI - punishment isn't working. If it was we would have solved these issues by now. But maybe these issues aren't "problems" and maybe they don't need to be "solved". Maybe these are all learning opportunities and when we try to open our hearts, even as we feel them contracting, we will learn even more than our children. Listen, I get it. It's HARD sometimes to do the loving thing. We get annoyed, and have needs and feelings too. But we are the adults and so we must commit ourselves to acting as such. And when we make mistakes or behave poorly ourselves then we admit it and try to do better. That's what children are here to do. To be children and to show us how we can be better. The answer is always love. It always has been and always will be. We all know it deep down inside too. Stop being scared - scared of the future and what your child *might* be tomorrow. Start loving the person they are in front of you RIGHT NOW. I promise you won't regret it.  "The unexamined life is not worth living" Socrates  Gerry in his night-time diaper. Yes you can see his shorts peeking out UNDERNEATH the diaper! A Friend's Facebook Status One Time Long Ago: Remind me that the next time I put a diaper on (my baby) before sleeping with him in one bed in a hotel room I MUST remember to make sure his penis is inside the diaper. I don't really have many pet peeves. There just isn't a lot that annoys me - especially little things that people do. I don't feel like it's worth the effort or time to get upset over things like people talking with food in their mouths or forgetting to introduce me to their spouse. But recently I've discovered a chink in my pet peeve armor. I really can't stand it when people say things or do things without thinking about them. Statements like, "well everyone's doing such and such these days," or "That's just how it's done now" are the epitome of unexamined thoughts and actions. And if these statements are made in regards to children then my tail feathers REALLY get ruffled. *Thinking* is essential when we are making decisions regarding our children. Not reacting or doing what our neighbor does or what our own mother did with us. Examining our intentions, our hopes, our children's needs and connecting with our own internal compass to guide our decisions is one way to mindful choices.
Perfection is not the point. Of course none of us are perfect. The point is being aware and actively try to make choices from a place of love and awareness. This to me is one of the great aspects of choosing to parent without punishments or rewards. It forces you to be creative, brainstorm, and come up with new ways of doing things. You are more likely to have discussions and problem solve when you are in the mode of being your child's partner. The same friend who posted the humorous status above has had to be creative recently with her older son and his bathroom/sleep needs. Last summer after he turned 5 he started having accidents in his bed at night. He had been fully potty trained and dry through the nights for quite some time. So now, before going to bed herself, my friend carries her son to the bathroom (he's usually been asleep for a few hours by this time) and has him pee. She then guides him back to bed - he actually walks himself and never fully wakes up! I asked her if she was nervous the first time she tried this and she said yes. I mean, no one wants to wake up their sleeping child! But it works for them, and I love her for creatively and lovingly meeting his need. My own son Gerry has been fully potty trained during the day since he was 2 1/2 - I remember because the exact day that marked his 2 1/2 year birthday he did his first successful outing without diapers. Nighttime is still a work in progress - he is probably dry 90% or more of the time. But the kid does not want to put a diaper on! No way, no how - he is DONE. D - U -N So for the last several months we usually put a diaper - disposable or cloth - on him after he fell asleep (unless we were feeling daring and just decided to risk it!) Usually it was no big deal - especially if I did it right after he fell asleep and he was in a deep sleep. Sometimes it was a pain when he stayed up late and I was exhausted. Pulling his shorts down was always a bit risky as as "wake up" factor. Luckily he easily goes back to sleep by nursing. And it was worth leaving his dignity intact. Our newest solution is to put a cloth diaper right over his shorts (see photo above). It's working well! Since we started doing that consistently he's been dry every morning! Go figure. My point in sharing these two stories (both about sleep and potty) is that there are often solutions to situations that are not immediately obvious or the "norm". By being creative and flexible we are modeling not only those attributes, but also showing our children that we are ready to support them the best we can. No, we are not perfect and do not have all the answers but we are their partners. Also we can try things and see if they work - if they don't, try something else! Fear often stops us from even trying. Fear of what others think, fear of being "weird", or just plain fear of waking your sleeping child! I'd love to hear some times when you've been able to "Think Outside the Diaper" - whether you are a parent or not! Creative problem solving feels GOOD - share some of your brilliant moments! You may inspire someone else... And I'll leave you with some more Wubbzy Wisdom, my Happy and Deep Mascot ;-) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ By The Book Lyrics: Bob Boyle / Music: b. Mossman It's good to do things the proper way But if it goes wrong that's okay If it's not right, don't be uptight It doesn't have to be by the book By the book...By the book It doesn't have to be by the book If you're out to have some fun but you find there is no sun It's okay, enjoy the day Even if it's not by the book If you want to play a game but the pieces aren't the same There's a way for you to play Even if it's not be by the book By the book...By the book It doesn't have to be by the book If the recipe calls for Doodleberry Jam...Doodleberry Jam! But all you have is Polka-Dot Ham...Polka-Dot Ham! It's not a waste Enjoy the taste Cuz it doesn't have to be by the book When you're building something cool but you don't have the right tool It is fine to re-design It doesn't have to be by the book If you have a fancy hat but you find it's rather flat Don't be blue, try something new It doesn't have to be by the book By the book...By the book It doesn't have to be by the book It's good to do things the proper way But if it goes wrong that's okay If it's not right, don't be uptight It doesn't have to be by the book |
Click on the image to get your free Vitamin C Get Started guide that answers all of these questions and get on my RiseUP with Susan May email list!
Susan MayWife, mom, information and peace seeker. Categories
All
Archives
September 2023
|
RSS Feed
